Bored and unstable me....

Sometimes I wonder how does anyone have a stable life...life, by the very essence of it, is unstable in the least...no two moments are alike, nothing stays forever...its like the happiest and the most blessed of us face a gloomy day every once a while...and then those with the worst luck, ensured to have all the problems of the world find reasons to smile...even if nothing changes in your life, the time in itself changes....

These days my top priority is to keep the person who matters the most to me happy...and yeah the ego-centric me decided that such a person no one other than ME...so while I was sitting (okie, I hardly sit...I either am standing or lying) I decided that now time has come to pamper myself...to make sure I'm a happy bee...for a while I should just let go off things which aren't in my control...forget trying to get things around me the way I want them to be n rather concentrate on being happy with what's already around me...

I did succeed...for a while at least (not that I've failed till the moment..) the best way to be happy, I realized, was to get back to my childhood shoes...somewhere I feel, its only the chutku cheenu meenu who actually are truly happy...baaki ki janta just tries to steal some moment of happiness...so I went back to my "mentally creative" mode...gave a damn to worries n took things as it came...behaved like a kid with all those sweet tongue in cheek comments n what not...and yup I was happy...for few days...

Not that I'm sad now...nah, I'm not mourning or cribbing or any such thing...it's just that time changes...I got bored of being childish...I'm finding no fun thing...why did I have to be a Gemini...I can't be in tune with a single mood, a single activity, a single anything for long....sighs...sometimes I wonder how on this earth would I be committed to a single person...guys beware ;)

Not very glad to accept, but the truth remains, nothing interesting is going on in my life...I'm missing the fun...I'm probably missing life...agar kuch nazar aata hai toh boring mundane projects and assignments (which ofcourse 'll never get over till the night before submission and that's like ages away...) so I'm killing time...trying to be busy when there is nothing to be busy with...and searching for a tinge of stability...which well, always slips off my palms...

Anyone with any interesting or creative ideas to keep me busy is publicly promised a goodie from me!!! (and of course he/she would get loads of blessings from the readers of this blog, who are time n again left clueless as to what I write and why I write :D :D )

Smitten by Darkness

I have always had a thing for the dark...I mean, every so often (like at the moment) I can be found sitting in the dark...lights switched off...curtains drawn close...in fact, my preference for darkness is kind of evident in my sleeping patterns too...I religiously wake till early mornings and sleep as soon as suraj chachu is about to come...

Insane..right?? Nah...I've recently replaced "insane" with "mentally creative"....I can be you know, like the biggest power saver, after all, if left to me the lamps n CFLs would never be switched on unless absolutely necessary (you are just not supposed to count how much power a laptop, television n cellphone consumes...they are like staple needs...can't compromise on them..I'm at least semi-human :D )

So now I wonder, what is it with darkness (other than the facts that you don't need to cover up n make excuses for your room being completely messy, you aren't expected to study in dark, you even don't need to wonder if your face has a big dark blotch on it...cool isn't it?? :P )

You know actually I guess, life is simpler in dark...and a lil elegant n classy too...remember, all the products marketed for elites are normally in earth tones or black n whites...there is no big issue of identifying a million of colors in darkness (take for instance today's incidence...a friend asked me if she can borrow the wine color leggings I have...and I was wondering, when did I ever purchased anything like wine colored...till I finally realized that what she was referring to as wine, is something, I till date referred as purple...and yeah shame on me, I claim myself to be a gal!! ) So how perfect is the dark world... (if no one else, Sanjay Leela Bhansali 'll agree)

And no, I don't detest colors (red is my current flavor for a big big big wala change)...but then to again think of it, maybe I always have been a lil partial towards the earth tones (barring this inexplicable red-o-mania)...seems like darkness n earth tones are my home calling...a link from the past...because nah, I can't explain why I'm pulled in by them...

Yeah, this is yet another incoherent, written for the sake of it post...in fact, I was writing something else...till I realized that post was getting too dark to be published, and rather came up with something about dark...and as a closing note...its generally in the darkest hours, that we understand ourselves and the ones around us the most...Try out a night with lights switched off...n experience d indescribable...

To me, darkness is like eternity...never ending, never demanding...a kind of freedom... (and I'm getting too philosophical...time to shut up :D )

The special people I once had as Friends...

Long distance relationships are a topic talked about in loads and tons...how tough or easy they are...what are the right set of things you should do to ensure that they not only survive but also thrive...how to  keep the feelings intact even when you don't meet each other for months...but I doubt if anything ever has been said about long distance friendship...is friendship just not worth it or do we just assume that no distance can create any difference between two friends....for those who feel either is the case, I beg to differ...seriously differ...

Born in a family which changed its base every couple of years, I don't know whether to be happy or sad about the fact that I've changed almost 8 schools by the time I finished 12th...and even then I was d lucky one in my family...I had the same school for last four yrs of my school life (though I never ever actually grew too fond of that school...by this time I had given up on making a true long lasting bond of friendship...it just never was possible...) And I remember some very special people from each of my school...each place I was deemed to consider home, just for a while....

The earliest memories, I believe are of Adeeti...she wasn't a schoolmate to the best of my belief...she was just a daughter of pa's friend...I must have been 4 or so when I last saw her...though I did carry a big greeting card from her to me for several years to come by (considering that in those days big cards were like something really special ;) ) but I don't think I ever met her again...I remember coming to know of her father's demise...I remember visiting her home when I was like 15 or so...I know I met her mom, but somehow I never found her again...Then it was a string of friends...from Hema in Aligarh to Ruchi and Neha in Delhi....I never have been in touch with them ever again....

Grew up a lil, came new friends in my life...I remember crying for nights when I had to leave Ahmedabad...maybe that was the city that made me resolve never to get close to anyone ever again, it hurts a lot to say goodbye...the only difference is, I mostly have all the people close or known to me since then in touch till date...it started with a determination to stay in touch through letters...to growing up and switching to occasional calls...next came orkut and then the God of Social Networking...Facebook...

So yeah, I'm very much 'in touch' with people I know since the age of 12-13...but sometimes I really wonder do I know them any longer...do they know me at all...are we friends...no matter how much efforts were put in, no matter how much I wish for it...somewhere, somehow the distance and the time has created a void, which I doubt anyone would be able to fill...and it feels kind of lonely, it feels sort of left out...I see a group of friends talking with each other, and all I feel is an outsider...I used to be one of them at a time and I know I would give anything to be one of them again, but it just isn't possible...its not their fault, its not mine too...but I need to know, how does friendship survive over the years....

And its not just the friends from school...its like people I've lived with for years...we had cried like babies when the time to say goodbye had come...it was an unsaid promise that we would always be close...we had shared our best and worst time together, there was something that connected us...it's even less than two years..and somewhere I'm convinced I've lost them all...as another journey is coming to an end, I sometimes wonder, was it my conscious decision not to let someone come close enough to me this time that it hurts...

I don't know if I'll ever make friends as close as I once had...I doubt if I would let myself open to anyone now...but yes, I always would feel like catching hold of those I had years back...I somehow want to be one of their gang again....and when people in love have so many articles advising them on how to go about long distance love, why don't I find any help in having my long distance friends again...and yeah, this blog...it came by as I pinged a long lost friend....I want to be the way we were then...I wonder how things would have been had I stayed near...if we would have grown up to be the closest of buddies, or have had a major fight...whatever it would have been, it surely would have felt better than an outsider...for I feel there is nothing worse than knowing someone, and realizing you don't know that person at all....

Miss you all lovely people I once had the great luck to be friends with...I might not show it often, I might not say it ever in person....but I'm sure I remember all of you, who ever became a part of my journey...and trust me, I would do anything to have you back...as close knit friend...to be a part of the group, the elite gang we ever had...to make sure distance doesn't forces us to have different close circles....even I want to one day point at a sweet person and say..."Do you see him/her....he/she is my friend since last 20 years...we know everything about each other...we have truly grown up together. " I doubt such day would ever come... :-|

A memory lasts forever and never does die. True friends stay together and never say goodbye." 

---Sometimes distance, however, are silent gudbyes :'(