Cheers to the New Beginnings, or Goodbye to the Unanticipated Endings....

So much like the 'glass-half-full-or-glass-half-empty' debacle, there is the debacle of 'welcome-the-new-beginning-or-regret-the-unanticipated-end'. Changes are good, but every so often they are painful. Pretty sure, if left to out choices, majority of us wouldn't change. That's human nature....every so often we crib about our monotonous life, we complain the same routine, we demand something different but then again, most of us when being true and reflecting to our own-self; do agree that there is a comfort in the unknown burden, there is a feeling of having the upper hand while playing in a known field. So while we do crib, complain, pretend we want a change; a part of us (rather the major part of us) is at rest seeing life pass by in the known comfort.

But then life at times has its own plans. You're forced to play a hand of the game you always stayed away from. You avoided making choices for so long that life went ahead and choose it for you. All then a human does is plays the cards he is dealt with the best. While it's true that as human we always want choice, I do believe as humans we always avoid choices. Picking one means leaving the other and oh, we so don't want to leave anything. We hold on to what's not really our end-goal for so long that often too late do we realize that we stopped back at a point called 'nowhere'. Worse still, while we were busy convincing ourselves (and all too few people we ever are lucky to have care about us), not only the 'nowhere' turned out to be a place we can't build a home at, no matter what; it also appears that the way from 'nowhere' to 'somewhere' has been buried. We are stuck to a place we can't stay at (and now no longer even want to) but we don't have any path to go anywhere off to either. 

Then, given we have no choice, we finally (wo)man up. Start carving out the way, dig back the path we buried  over the years thinking this 'nowhere' is our own personal 'everywhere'. We try and pretend it's a new beginning, it so isn't. It's the no-choice handled to us and just because us human usually have a real tough time openly accepting defeat, we gear up and crusade ahead. No matter how many times we think about calling it quits, there is something in us that keeps finding excuses (and always great ones at that), to give life another shot, to rebuild our goals again...to beg, borrow or steal a new path (who really creates a path too long by himself).

While so cryptic (or is it really is), I stand in a similar situation. So much I lived for, so much I thought was right approach to life, so much I believed was the sensible-mature-oh-so-grown-up-me's view on how life should be; is headed to an end. I already might be too late (only I probably have an ink-link of how much) and I do know that very likely I'll make mistakes again. But for the moment, here is to the me trying to re-figure life, trying to go back to basics and hoping to start something afresh. Not that it's going to be easy, not that it was even a choice...just that it was all I could do, so here's to me hoping for earnestly doing something (right for a change)...

And with this, while I make an entry back to the space after years (the ending few years back was unanticipated, the beginning now shaky and not really promising), here is hoping and wishing I would reach the destination this time around (and also hoping that the next post would make some more sense to at least me, if not the world)...Cheers (with the Virgin Mojito, as always!)

The year has changed...but I wont...

A year has gone, another has already started...it was the time of checking out the checklist...to see if we did what we thought of doing in the year gone by...and its the time when we sit down n prepare a new list of 'to-do's' for the current year...many of us call it, resolutions...

For me, resolutions have been a no no...somehow I've seen that the more we try to do, hold on, or achieve something, the tougher is to succeed...many would call it the lack of determination and some might even call it the fear of failure...but that's how it always has been...or maybe it's the other way round...maybe all I want are the tough to happen things, hard to held on people, challenging achievements...maybe the easy doesn't hold the charm..

And why should it...how do you appreciate something that is right there for you to pick...and maybe that's why we girls aren't easy...easy to understand...easy to woo...easy to get get rid of too :)

So yeah, year changed...and we no longer can rely on Mayans and secretly be happy that it is all going to get over....pretty soon...so yup, we got to live, we got to toil...we still have to strive and achieve the 'not so easy to get' targets...but then nothing really changed...not the people we loved, not the things that mattered, not the way we lived...

I am alive, so are my dreams, my wishes are intact and so are my feelings...I'll still hold on to all that I hold dear...logic might suit few, I'll still go with my calling...and few people, no matter how hard they try n resolve, will always be a part of my journey....

Here is to a year that doesn't promises to be a real good one, but would be the one to bring changes...and here am I to the challenge of not changing myself as a person...of bringing in new people, but holding on to the old...Wishing everyone a real happy fantabulous year ahead....

The Questions and the Child...

Am I the only one, or it keeps happening to all of us...that irresistible urge to speak out...to say out things you probably shouldn't be...to ask the questions, which aren't meant to be asked...

I personally hate mysteries...they attract you..you want to uncover them...but then there are situations when you are expected to behave like grown ups...and not question...being a grown up demands a maturity from you...the maturity to know what should be asked, and what should be...I detest that maturity...I would have prefer going back to being a kid...to simply ask...from anyone...without bothering about the consequences...without the fear of making a fool out of myself...without really wondering how the other person would perceive...

I loved the freedom that my nephew has...how easily he sat besides me while I was working...and simply said.."I want to talk to you...I need to know why you don't have kids yet?"...I'm sure only he can ask this..that innocently, that cutely...and though he can make me stop my work for the few moments...he even gives me the reason to reflect...but at least he has the freedom to ask aloud...not that he would really get true answer...not that I am looking for true answers...because I know, true answers are a rare thing in this world...but I could see he was at peace...he had said aloud what he wanted to...why don't I have that freedom any longer...why do I need to suffocate with my question, but not speak out aloud...

Growing up looked like so much fun...and not that I relent being a grown up...it does have its perks...but growing up has started meaning that my wings cannot really make me fly...I have the freedom to do as a I please...but all that I do would be evaluated...and hence, I really don't do what I might feel like doing...I manage my life in compartments...one separated from the other...because there is so much I'm expected to do, so much I am not expected to...I've to be someone for someone, I've to be someone else for the other...and do I get lose myself in these persona...do I really don't get a chance to speak what's in my mind...

I so want to ask a hundred question...I am holding back...for a day when they all would flood out...because no matter how much I grow...how soon I held on to maturity...there resides a child within...a child who wants to talk, without thinking about consequences...a child who wants to ask the questions, without really thinking if it really is right to ask...a child who wants the answers, even if they really aren't true...

Of Routine, Changes, Courage and of course; Life...

The extended weekend is ending...and it would be back to usual official weekday schedule in another few hours...and that's not to say that my weekends aren't usual...it's kind of same stuff I end doing every weekend, extended or not...make sure to finish a novel...catch on at least a couple of series from US/UK (which makes you wonder why don't we make something as engrossing and sensible as then...why are we stuck to daily shows rather than weekly...why don't we believe in seasons but go on n on n on in continuity...)

Anyways, in short, coming to the crux of it; every now n then (more often than not), life gets predictable...same old set of rules...same routine...same things that happen, and same that do not...and then every once in a while (rarely), we try to break free of the mould...to change things, because the routine is no longer acceptable...but then again, do we really know how to break it...we probably know nothing but that usual routine...that has been the life for us...and that's why, even though we wish, hope and pray for it...we resist changes...even if we know it's better to change some habits, to learn something new...we have an impulsive tendency to make no changes....to let things go on as they are...

Trying to bring a change...proposing a change, is a risk...a risk we won't take...not in general...not unless we are forced to...because though a risk can be rewarding, what we see is how it can hurt...how often do we resist wishing for something  better, just because we fear we might end up losing the little routine that we have...the routine that we are probably bored of, but is still better than losing it altogether...no wonder, it takes courage, to explore, to discover, to succeed, and mostly importantly, to fail...

Who says, losers are coward, the cowards are the ones who never played...the losers were the ones who risked it all...who took chances even when they knew they could end up being called 'loser'...they were no less, if not more, brave than the winners...and the more you are willing to lose, the more you stand to win...but then, few things...few people, few moments...are too precious to be lost, they are what makes you feel secure...they give you a stability...so you hold on to them...you make them your routine...you try to be content with them...live with it, be happy with them...and you try no to wish for more...but then again, when you don't try for better,  you end up with one inevitable question...is what you have, going to stay...you aren't trying to move up to something better, won't one to you just slip to something lower...

After all, there are some strange way of nature....even to maintain our routine life, we need to take the risk...try to make changes...resist our implicit instinct...keep on bringing something new...keep things alive...to ensure, we aren't bored of the routine...and the routine isn't bored of the same old us...

PS: Once again, I started with something...and reached totally somewhere else...with lot of hidden meanings..playing with words, which conceal what I meant at place...a code, buried so deep in words, that maybe if I read it again myself a couple of days down the line, I won't get it...but that's where the fun lies...read a line; and interpret it the way you like...even if we don't change...the words, apparently remaining same, change in their meaning...sounds a lot like life!

Wandering thoughts...

I hold you close...I cherish you..and I detest you...I know I'm never going to get rid of you, maybe, actually very likely, I don't even want to...

You moisten up my eyes, both in happiness and despair...you have defined me, or was it I who created you...you really haven't turned out to be the way I wanted you to be, you aren't exactly what I hoped you would be...but that's the way it always has to be...things aren't supposed to be the way we expect them to be...else where would we find the challenge of changing them...but then I don't know, do you create me, or do I create you...which one of us is dependent on the other...

It's tough to separate me out from you...you are that much woven in me...what we share is a perfect love-hate relationship....how so often, I wish you weren't here...that I wasn't forced to deal with you...and then suddenly when I am down, you turn up to be the one to bring smile to my face...

There is so much I've done, it could be right or wrong...but you took it all...you nurtured it, you make sure I know of my deeds...and it's not that you really teach...I do same things again...sometimes you win, proving me that I would end recreating you...sometimes you lose, I end up rewriting you...and as much as I want to run away from you, I'll still come back to you...because you are what I know for sure...you are what I identify with...

You are my friend...you are my foe...you are my shadow...or maybe you are 'Me'...


“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Sometimes they are not, but they precious still the same...Because they are, who you are...