The Questions and the Child...

Am I the only one, or it keeps happening to all of us...that irresistible urge to speak out...to say out things you probably shouldn't be...to ask the questions, which aren't meant to be asked...

I personally hate mysteries...they attract you..you want to uncover them...but then there are situations when you are expected to behave like grown ups...and not question...being a grown up demands a maturity from you...the maturity to know what should be asked, and what should be...I detest that maturity...I would have prefer going back to being a kid...to simply ask...from anyone...without bothering about the consequences...without the fear of making a fool out of myself...without really wondering how the other person would perceive...

I loved the freedom that my nephew has...how easily he sat besides me while I was working...and simply said.."I want to talk to you...I need to know why you don't have kids yet?"...I'm sure only he can ask this..that innocently, that cutely...and though he can make me stop my work for the few moments...he even gives me the reason to reflect...but at least he has the freedom to ask aloud...not that he would really get true answer...not that I am looking for true answers...because I know, true answers are a rare thing in this world...but I could see he was at peace...he had said aloud what he wanted to...why don't I have that freedom any longer...why do I need to suffocate with my question, but not speak out aloud...

Growing up looked like so much fun...and not that I relent being a grown up...it does have its perks...but growing up has started meaning that my wings cannot really make me fly...I have the freedom to do as a I please...but all that I do would be evaluated...and hence, I really don't do what I might feel like doing...I manage my life in compartments...one separated from the other...because there is so much I'm expected to do, so much I am not expected to...I've to be someone for someone, I've to be someone else for the other...and do I get lose myself in these persona...do I really don't get a chance to speak what's in my mind...

I so want to ask a hundred question...I am holding back...for a day when they all would flood out...because no matter how much I grow...how soon I held on to maturity...there resides a child within...a child who wants to talk, without thinking about consequences...a child who wants to ask the questions, without really thinking if it really is right to ask...a child who wants the answers, even if they really aren't true...

The Travelling Times...

There are phases in life when one chooses silence...there are phases, when the silence chooses us...and then there are the travelling phases which ensures silence...

In last three weeks, I have been across 5 states...reached places I never knew existed in India...met people, I really doubt I will ever meet again...lived without connectivity (now I can write an entire epic over that)...all in all, it has been one of its kind of experience...and in between all this, found a new meaning to silence...there have been days, I went on talking just 20 odd sentences in a day...there have been nights when I have been on call for hours (I really give a damn to roaming now ;) ) Walked with strangers...realizing few people are born helpful, and few are going to create troubles, no matter what...

It has been a journey of a lifetime (specially when you are someone like me, who openly detests travelling)...there have been times, I have craved to go back home...there have been moments when I have lost my cool, because I couldn't find a way back home....and no wonder, there has been a lot of cribbing (when I can crib without reason, I have been given ample of reasons in last few days..) But for a change, let's count the positives of all the travelling I am doing in last few days...

A. I ended up reading a lot...at least in the first few days, stuck at a place where my life was confined to guest house and factory....and the road in between...I completed almost 3 novels in just a week :D

B. I re-affirmed my theory that I can actually live and adapt at any place I am thrown at...

C. Worked in completely unstructured, unknown, clueless environment with no one to reach out for help...phew, I still don't know how good or bad the result has been (would know sooner or later, so keeping the fingers crossed...and please please please pray for me...that I don't fail big time!!)

D. Had a brief experience of the Nomad's life (and have had enough of it too honestly)...being someone who loves to plan, I almost ended up spending time on the platform while people argue and disagree where I should be staying...that was one phase I never 'll forget...in fact I was confused too at the time...to shout out, to return back..or to spill give way to tears :|

E. Actually have started missing the work I was doing...I now miss the regular office hours...the kind of expected work...the known faces around...and the regular routine...

F. Realized that one should never complain about traffic...you tend to find yourself in a worse than before situation every time you complain...

G. Have seen a lot of mornings...mornings as in opened my eyes (and in few cases even dragged my sweet self) out of bed as early as 6:30 or so...and that my dear, is an achievement for a gal who in last 9 months (that since post training), hasn't got up from bed before 9...

H. Not that I never have gone in deep thoughts (or my bouts of philosophy as I call it), but still after long demanding days and all the travelling, I kind of haven't been able to dwell on sad thoughts or philosophy for long ;)

I. While writing this blog, realizing it's already mid of my travel (hopefully) and then again, its mid April...just 4 more months till I meet my favorite person...and yeah yeah, just 2 more till I celebrate (or rather witness) the silver jubilee of my existence (gives me a chance to coin the 25th step)

J. Got the surprises of more weddings coming up next year (which is kind of both happy and sad news...happy for people finding their life partners...but kind of lost trying to understand why is everyone in such a hurry to marry...this seems like a race I am destined to be last in :P )

K Proud of myself of being able to count 10 days in a trip that I just crib about :D

Anyways....that's about it at the moment...my writing needs a little oiling...and I need to get back to thinking mode...before I can actually write something...but before that, I have to sit and wonder, how to survive through the next week...once again in between stranger's faces and clueless work...

Till then, keep praying, that I return back home, safe and sound (I won't even bother hoping to return back sane...that's even more impossible than impossible itself!!)

(Just as clarification...neither are my travel bags pink, they are both black honestly, and a maroon handbag...nor am I least happy as the girl is...but yeah, I am definitely living out of suitcase...and finally unpacked for the first time Friday, after almost 3 weeks of travelling...else it was a daily routine of opening the bag and trying to pick out a dress to wear...and always ready to leave the place to travel somewhere else..)

The woes of Moving (rather Packing)

And it's the time to move...

That's what life has all been about for long...being a daughter of a bank employee, I've moved across places...a year here and a year there, we were once again packing and moving...and still, I know, I have shifted way less than my elder siblings...

Any interview that I remember, I've always said adaptability as my strength...to prove it is simple...I've changed almost ten schools...how can one survive that unless one adapts to the changes...new places...new people...new set of rules...and still, deep within me, I know, I haven't been all that successful...

I did move, I did adjust...but then, there wasn't an option with me...I moved because I had to...I adjusted because the whole bunch of new people won't change for me...in the process, I changed...not that I regret that, change is the only constant after all...but sometimes I do wonder, why don't I just go around and talk with anyone and everyone...after all, that should be easy for me...with so much of changing places n meeting new people that I have done in my life...but then, somewhere in between shifting and moving places, I started accepting that I am not in my comfort zone...rather than falling in the lure of friends and then bidding them goodbye, I made a world within myself...

Uff...too much of philosophy (which I know is truly me)...but then main crux is, even after shifting home so many times...seeing truck-loads of things being packed and unpacked...I still have huge issues while moving...like today...

When I realized I have to move, I thought me being a single person (no strings attached, and hence no gifts loaded on me in last ten months), who absolutely had no necessity to buy any furniture or utensils (perks of being in a service apartment), I won't need any movers/packers/courier people's help to move back to home (Yeah!! I finally am shifting to home...now my blog would have more of home complains rather than office and loneliness ones :P ) 

But then, I was realistic, I knew, I have seen two "Sale Season" staying alone in Hyderabad...and I even remember that I've given free health advice to people in the name of Retail Therapy...since I'm an age old loyalist of that therapy, I realized I definitely have added a lot of luggage (add to it, the multiple visits home were always for bringing stuff from there to here and never vice-versa)... So realistically, I went to the market n bought a big suitcase (the biggest that you get...the ones used for foreign travels (as if I would ever need them for that purpose :| )) 

Then thanks to some travel uncertainty, I started packing up long back...till I realized that two big suitcases (I had one more of that bada wala suitcase pehle se baba!!) and a normal sized trolley, won't be enough to fit my requirement....sighs...I really wasn't inclined to buy a new bag...so finally it was the time to move ahead and look for packers and movers...but then no credible packer and mover would be ready to take goods weighing like just 60 kgs at max...sighs...then came n picture GATI...

Now the less I say about it, the better...for I've already opened the carton I had packed for the movement and stuffed as much as I could back in the suitcase...those people never showed up...never liked the experience of calling up the customer care, Gati just made me have one of the worst ones...so here I'm (kind of feeling in the third world)...thinking how much additional baggage I'll pay tomorrow (and more importantly, hoping that they let me just put all the luggage, charge me, but not refuse me!!) And most importantly, what I am wondering right now is...where the hell do I pack my shoes and sandals...I just can't pick which ones to take and which ones to leave in that :(

Phew!! It's tough to move (even when you are moving to a place you want to move to ), and leaving old people behind, meeting new ones isn't the only challenge...the main challenge is looking at your belongings and wondering how to pack them and where (and of course wondering, since when did you start owning so much of them ;) )

I just hope this ordeal ends by tomorrow evening...and I settle down at home, with of course all my little few belongings!!

PS: The pic suits so well....how I am trying to cram all I can in my three innocent carry bags...sighs...I pity them, but I can't help them....they got to make space for my shoes now!!!!

The other side of the 'Expectation'...

There is one thing we all probably have heard or been told a number of times..."Root cause of all the heartaches and troubles in the world is having Expectations" ...there have been sermons I have read and heard, asking us not to expect anything...for if we don't expect a thing, those expectations won't be broken down...it wouldn't hurt to see people behaving in a way we never dreamed them to behave in...it won't kill us to see things we thought would surely happen turn impossible in this lifetime...

And still, at times I wonder, there is something worse than having expectations...it's knowing that people expect you to do something, to be someone...to behave in a way, u really don't feel like behaving in...it's a risk to expect something out of someone, but it's a hard task to come true to someone's expectations...it's easier to expect any day, than to stand true to what one expects you to be like...I am who I am, and still, I know very few will take us for who we are...there are so many layers to each of us...and sometimes I am sure, it's not us who wishes to be a person of multiple layers...it's just what the world made us...we come to treasure few people, and then we realize the expect something from us...to those people we become what they believed us to be, for it's better to add a layer in our personality, than to risk losing them...

No one is really perfect, I don't even understand why anyone is expected to be perfect...life has never been perfect in itself...else why would life be full of ups and downs...then why are humans expected to be always nice, or few are blamed to be always evil...I really doubt black and white exists in this world...it's mostly always grey, though we hardly accept it...

I know I've been hurt...for I expected a lot...from people, from things, and yes from life itself...and still, when I am out of that cribbing and crying mode (which I rarely am :P ), I do accept the fact that I've been blessed way more than many...I am blessed with a love, unconditional love at that...I might not have turned out as the happiest person, but I never was not cared for...and still, I expected more...I expect so much more out of people...and when I think of all that is expected from me, in those few moments I realize, how much I am burdening others with my demands and wishes...how vocal I am at times with criticism...

How do we judge someone...we all have different parameters of right and wrong...when we don't agree by those who judge us, how do we gain the right to judge someone else...how do we really go about selecting a person to be good enough for us...and that's exactly what we have done since childhood...picked friends, took sides, categorized everyone around us a person we looked up to or down at...when does a child starts doing that...who taught us to do it...I even wonder, did I really expect anything as a child...I guess not...and still I was happier, not because my expectations weren't there to be broken...simply because I knew no one really expected anything of me too...not something life changing...

Now, it's scary...now I have to sit and wonder, how am I really supposed to behave...how would certain action of mine be comprehended as...do I come across as too arrogant, or am I behaving too clingy...actions lose their fun when you have to think a hundred times before taking it...and still, that's what happens these days...I am doing something, but what would other think of this action from me...would they find me an attention seeker...or am I going to come out at someone who wants to be aloof...

Yeah, it's yet another mindless banter...but still, just give it a thought...how many of us would behave the way we behave..and do the things we do, if only we knew, we are from the expectations of the world...growing up is an irony...you get independent, you are free...and still, you are caged behind the bars of expectation...you can't fly, because there is the web of world's rule book of the right and wrong...

Having expectations hurts....but knowing, you are the one the world and people expect from; is tougher to deal with....like it's easier to blame, than to do....but then, I don't claim to be perfect, I have my shortcomings...so what, life hasn't been perfect to me too...and we all still love life, so I really am not 'Expecting' too much, if I expect people to love me :)

Night Dreaming...A novel, by me...

I have been hearing about Monday Morning Blues like since forever...but in all honesty, you never really understand something, until you experience it...so yeah, since last few months now...Friday mornings are the ones I welcome with open arms...Saturday mornings are sweet...Sunday mornings are a li'l dreadful...but Monday, the lesser said the better :D

Last year I had thought I will make sure to put a post every month...and now looking at the blog-roll, I know I missed a couple of months...but not bad for starters...I mean anything you decide for a new year, kind of backfires anyways...this time, hadn't thought of anything...but now I feel like hoping (praying, believing, whatever) to come up with a post every week...it's too tough for me, I know...for I rarely find any topic to write...but still, let's see how long I can continue with it (and I am not too optimistic about being successful :| )

How has the first week of the new year been...honestly, not bad...not till now in any case ;) Completed a few novels...definitely found nothing much to review about them (though maybe one day when I really don't find anything to write about, I will go back to review a couple of them)...other than that, one thing, I have realized is, I actually do really want to pen down one...it's tough...damn too tough...specially given the fact that I have such short attention span...but damn...every time I go to flipkart, and see yet another engineering or management student coming out with a novel, I feel like I am outgrowing my age to come with one...sighs..

And I was worst hit, when I found a book written by a guy in his 12th standard...still wondering as to how people find a publisher (then I will thing who buys the books...I haven't yet bought the 12th standard kid's book after all...) But all in all, with nothing to do on weekend (except sleeping, and killing time...and if not these two, then jeopardizing the bank balance by shopping :( ) I was just wondering, is it easier to write fiction, or is it more convenient to write a book based on your life...kind of had a whole list of pro's and con's drawn in my mind...

Pros of a personal life incident, you don't really have to research much...after all, you have lived through that phase, who knows the facts better than you....you just can't go wrong, historically, geographically...or even emotionally....and when writing about something related to you, it's far more easier to feel it...to actually describe it in a believable manner, because well...it really had happened, and what has happened, can always happen again...with you, or someone else next time...

Cons...well, the biggest con of writing about something personal is making yourself vulnerable...I am kind of a crazy person...I won't talk much...I like to keep withing myself...but once I talk, I kind of find it hard to hold back...so yeah, I often end up telling people close to me all about me..and even that scare me at times...trusting someone is a li'l hard...but once you trust someone, believing your trust won't be broken is kind a li'l more hard...and when it's tough to believe that the ones who know me inside out won't judge me because they know the real me, it's tougher to imagine exposing yourself to whoever buys a bucks...it kinds of need bravery to let people who can spend a few buck know about a personal part of you...a life you lived, loved or hated...liked or detested...

Me being me, would have definitely thought more about cons you see (yeah, I am not called a borderline pessimist without any reason ;) ) Every so often in life we do things and kind of regret doing them sooner or later...how do I ensure that exposing a part of me won't lead to any regret...phew!! 

See now, that's one reason, I haven't even begun writing a word down for my dream novel...I still am not sure whose story it really would be...all I know is, I believe my life is interesting enough to be put down in words, in a story (yup, that's the 'khushfahmi mein ji raha Me part' ;) ) but at the same time, I don't know if I really want to let a lot of people (okie even a few hundred are a lot) know about me...rather to think of it, I wonder if I would really like the me that would come down on paper while writing a journey through life...

So yeah, those plans are still on hold...I'm still busy weighing down the pros and cons...the two sides of Gemini are busy fighting, arguing and holding down the judgement...and I should hold back on a never ending post, once again all about 'ME'...that's how egocentric and self absorbing I can be...but then it's better to be lost in Me...rather than to deal with the one you can't forget, no matter how hard you try..."Monday Morning Blues" 

PS: I'll definitely try to be back with something better by next week...well but gear up for a lot of such no sense, no logic, simply blabbering post...after all I have to come with 52 new ones this year :P

Attraction, it is!!

Ever wondered what keeps you waking at 4 in morning...yup, it being a Saturday night, no office the next day, no work pressure (though I still have a pending deliverable which I am trying to ignore as best as one possibly can :P ) I can't believe it's over 24 hours since I haven't opened the office laptop :D :D :D , though truth be told I've accessed my official mails 3 times in these 24 hours....

Anyways, other than weekend and work (which to be honest hasn't yet) what can keep you waking till 4...lots of thoughts definitely (thoughts that generally tend to b lot speculative, sad, depressing, ruining and what not....yuck!!! night is such a precious thing, and these thoughts are certainly not welcomed to ruin it, but then most of the time they do :( )....In my case a perfectly sweet novel can keep me awake too...n yeah, till an hour back or so, I actually was reading one and completing it in one sitting...nothing new in that though...

But there is more to it...unlike my usual cry stories (yeah yeah I sob a lot, even I know that :| ) or loads of gyaan and philosophy (though I'm sure I'm quickly going to switch to at least one of these two...) I am quiet happy tonight...and when you are happy, you should probably live in those moments...why waste them sleeping :D After all waise bhi, these days I rarely find myself all happy n cheerful...and the best part of the story is, it's without any reason...what more can a gal ask for than to b in an unreasonably happy mode (even when she has lots to worry about, and I won't even start counting items on that list...I'm determined to be happy for the moment, am I not using the word moment too often :-? )

So, question for the day (or night or whatever 4 in twilight time is) is...what exactly attraction is...I won't play with the definition of it, for a change, but then, I do have questions about it...do attractions make any sense....do they need to make any sense...is being attracted to something, to someone a good or a bad thing...and the most important of all; how is it that we get attracted to only few, most of it, most of it to probably things which we really don't think we ever can like...

Maybe attraction is just another word for insanity...for finding yourself do things you have no reason or excuse for doing...the only bottom line is; somewhere like love, you can't help what or who you get attracted to...and like you can't stop it from happening, you just can't make it happen too...it just happens, to give you a lil sweet thing to wonder about...and spend a night figuring out, how did it happen...that too when you had given up the hope of it happening again....just like falling in love, you probably get attracted when you are convinced it never is going to happen to you again (and I am saying this, just in hope of that the former would happen, now that the latter has happened :D )

And last but not the least (the truly philosophical part is going to come, so brace yourself!!) why am I excited that I am attracted...not because I believe I have found my true calling...or bcoz I have found a promise of a future (if I know myself well, I get bored of things as quickly as I used to get attracted to them...yeah it was me who loved embroidery and kind of excelled in all kind of stitches only to leave it since ages now, it was me who was crazy about making soft toys....me again who once loved dancing n has two left feet as of now, me who talks to a person hours at length for a day or two, only to find she doesn't want to talk to that person again, as she has nothing to say or listen to :P )

But then, of late, it has been so long since I really found something I looked forward to...life had become kind of boring and drag...and so I was so afraid that I've become an oldie (you can still stand firm in your belief that I sound like a granny, but I know I definitely am not one :) )...but I was quite convinced that nothing interests me anymore...and now, with the new found attraction, I am happy...I am all normal, convinced that I am still living, still looking forward for good new things in life..still open to experience, and best of all, I still can have a new beginning...So here to hope, faith, love, peace and last but not the least a new found belief (yup, this sentence is added for the pic I selected, just couldn't resist it :) from wherever I found it, it had the caption laws of attraction ;) )

But for the new morning I really need to call it night...and one way or other...really put myself to sleep...finally, for a while (with a hope that I get up in an equally good mood ) :) :)

To A New Beginning....

Hopefully I'm all set...and ready to retire to the bed (very very hopefully I'll fall asleep too...after all I woke up at 8 today and have tried everything to ensure I keep my eyes open throughout the day, just in order to ensure an early night!! ) 

Tomorrow would mark the beginning of a new phase in life....the corporate journey...finally, after escaping for almost a good 24 yrs, work n job have captured me....maybe for a while, maybe forever...frankly speaking, I don't even know what to expect...and I don't want to have any expectations either...whatever it brings would hopefully be nice, better than all the phases I've witnessed till now (though I seriously doubt it...and I'll put my thoughts at rest because if I go on wondering about it, I would be setting up expectations :P )

The beginning has been of extremes...witnessed a slept off Hyderabad at 10-11 in night (a sight you never can find in case of Delhi..), then saw the Hyderabad of yester-years...the simplicity of life...one off shops, lil grocery places...and finally after 15 hours of stepping in Hyderabad, witnessed a completely different city...a city of calls and tall towered apartments...of all glitter, and in all probability a city which would wake even post 12....stepped in an amazing guest house...and then saw the hopeless dining services they have (in fact had a dinner I never would forget in my life...waiting can b such test of patience with good doses of humor put in ;) )

By the way, I don't know about the other guest houses where the new recruits have been set up at...but I can seriously confess that the company has earned quiet a few brownie loyalty points from me for putting in a place with wi-fi connectivity...though again, I hope that this 24X7 connectivity doesn't make sure that I'm up in night till 2-3 a.m. (like I always have in hostel and home)...and then either sleeping till 10 in morning or yawning whole day (coming to which, how does the sweet recruiters of mine expect the fresh bees like us, totally spoiled after 2 yrs of college (considering even people with work-ex), who are so used to miss the morning 9-10 am lectures to report at the venue at 8:30 a.m. ...sheer inhumanity...and to add to the woes they expect me to hold back my yawns for a 10 hours induction session they have :-o Nahi Ho Payega!!!)

And well this post...this is yet another of my on the run post...where I frankly have nothing to say, but just updating my life...as if I one day years henceforth, I would return and have a journey back through the old days...this is me signing off...and hoping for a gud 6 hours sleep (baaki main 10 hours mein se for sure 2-4 sote hue nikal doongi :P ) Adios!!!

PS: How I wish, I really had someone to clink the glass with!!!

Of Courage, Challenge & Checklist...

Yeah, haven't read any novel in the last 24 hours...just didn't feel like it (guess I've had an overdose of them n there would b nothing like completing 14 novels before being sucked in by the job!!) Actually I did read one page and back cover of a lot many novels, nothing really interested me at the moment (and definitely no more of teenage novel for a while, someone reminded me that I'm more like a grandma :D oh no, I should be sad about this one :( )

But while looking out for books (not for reading myself, but finding out few books which can work out as gifts..no luck yet, I would be grateful if someone actually can suggest me the absolutely giftable books :-? )I had a lil brush up with GoodReads (just for the review, which I never seek out for myself but need to while thinking about gifts..) and somewhere on it's homepage was a lil tiny miny link called Challenge...it was a target you had to challenge yourself...number of books you are planning to read...and though I felt like putting something like 50 out there, I stopped myself...common, taking a challenge needs a lot of courage...it's like making yourself susceptible to failing...and that's an absolute no no...at least for an adult (one more point why I should be sad about being called a granny X( )

Just makes me wonder, how n when did it happen...I remember a time when I used to be so vocal...I want to be so n so..I want to have this n that...I plan on becoming this...this is definitely going to happen in my future..back when I was a kid (don't you dare say it was centuries ago :-s ) I remember very openly telling everyone that I plan to marry my dad (thanks Ma...for letting me live ;) )...then there was the plan of becoming a doctor (just to clear, I was scared of blood even then, but damn, the docs look so smart!!), then there were plans to make movies...so much..and never did I once shy from telling it out in the public..then why is it that today, I hardly ever speak out about my dreams, fantasies...none of the ones I spoke of ages back succeeded but I still don't feel like a failure for them...but today, I am scared of confiding my plans to even myself, because I don't want to turn out to be a failure...I don't want people talking about me, saying "Hey!! Look at her...she planned on being so n so...she wanted to achieve this n that...and where she ended up!! " :-s :-s :-s 

That's one big peril of growing up...As you grow there is so much little you say (and dare anyone roll their eyes n wonder if this is what my little is, what my lot would be like...you are not even allowed to have any such thoughts...that's a complete me zone :D :D :D ) Growing up is supposed to make you stronger, and doesn't being stronger means having more courage...and if you are courageous, why be afraid of failures...( I know velle logon ko bahut velle khayal aate hain...bear them for another 10 days :P ) and with these thoughts, I thought (yup, again don't roll your eyes, I definitely can think X( ) why not try and show a lil courage and once again speak of few dreams out in open (phew...really courageous when you know that you very intelligently have let your family know of your blogs...doubly intelligent when you realize that every time they read a blog of yours they might be trying to find deep hidden meanings and never tell you what they found :-/ )

Anyways, I rarely do think of good things...and this idea looks good enough (and looks can be deceptive :| ) So before I change my thoughts, I better get going n put up a little checklist (of things I want to achieve or things I want in my future) and again, with time people change, their choices change..everything changes, so can the list (even if because of circumstances and not just because my mood changed..) But at present, here goes the list (and you are lucky that I am getting down to the list after just about 2 pages of random talking ;) ) They are some big big wishes, some crazy ones, some sweet and well, some devilish....

a. I want to own a Mac (and mind you, I said own, so it doesn't necessarily mean that I have to buy it... you can go ahead, gift it to me, and make my wish come true :D )

2. I want to pen down a book (can't be anything other than fictional novel, and even if it's about real people, you know me being as intelligent as I am, am going to call it fiction only!! ) and, very important and, that novel needs to get published...again an and, needs to sell at least like a 4 digit copy (main jyada nahi chahti :P :P )

c. I feel like, one day; I want have a doctorate... I mean common, I gave up my chance of being a doctor ( I seriously did it for the betterment of the society...imagine you being in an accident, have a tiny lil cut on ur finger...and you go to a doctor to get that checked...she looks at the cut, sees blood coming out of it...n behold...she faints...you won't like to call an ambulance to get the doc admitted rather than having your cut healed...would you??) the only other way I can have anything related to the doctorate thing is by doing a PhD..and though I have had too much of studies to be able to tolerate it anymore, I guess for some dreams, you got to toil...let's see if I ever am able to get a doctorate (this is one wish that can really really change any day :P )

4. I dream of experiencing a candle light dinner followed by a walk in the beach...I mean there definitely must be something great in it...why else would every movie (and now even every Ekta Kapoor, Rajan Shahi or any XYZ's serial) have it...kuch toh feel good factor hoga and I need to experience it...but then first thing first, for having any such thing, you need to have a person with whom you can have such thing...guess I should close down FB and GT rather start logging on to better places (being the sweet innocent soul I am...how am I to know any such better places...you can always suggest few ;)) )

e. I want my family to stay together...united..minus the tu-tu main-main (mmm..visualize something like Sasural Genda Phool!!) And well, I kind of always have been in a nuclear family...add to that, even after having two siblings, I somehow ended up being the only daughter ( di n bhaiya,  you have been pretty useless as far as being present for sibling rivalry and sharing is concerned...and I'm ready to forgive you guys just because you both have been great in giving me gifts (being an Indian bribery works for me...and I'm back to bracket ke ander bracket yay!!) ) So I just want to experience my family as the big joint family for at least a while...like a month or so (common we don't even have a family photograph with every family member in it, n it's not my mistake if a new one comes every second year :P )

6. I want a lifetime free supply of ChocoLava (or at least someone please ban it's rate hike!!) I've recently realized that I can even forgo the cheeseburst, but I absolutely, critically, necessarily can't resist ChocoLava (and my dear Dominoes, better remove the condition of a pizza must for home delivery...Chocolava alone should qualify as an order X( )

g. I want to have a successful career (duh!! so dumb...everyone wants that na!!) but it's like I've some big dreams (so big that I tend to keep on waking at night...aise bhayanak sapne ni dekhne chahiye :| ) Being the youngest of the lot, makes it kind of obvious, that you don't just have to be good...you kind of need to be better ( I know my parents believe that I've done very well...which to be honest I haven't..but well being the youngest they give me a lil partial treatment...and my siblings are more like my parents so there isn't anything like competition....but there are a plenty of role models for me between my parents and siblings)...I have either listened or seen the ones close to me have a very moderate start and making it to where they are today (which is nothing like having their names in headlines but they all r really well settled and at good places) and I don't want to be any different...

viii. (was bored of even two ways of numbering the list, so tried the third :D :D ) I want a happily ever after...and this one is for those who dared call me a granny...I'm still the chotu sa baccha who loves fairy tales...life I know is full of ups n downs (have had more than what I wanted..but well, that's how life is :-s ) and I'm fine with it (things you can't change are things you accept) but somewhere down the line, I want to see myself settled...with no major worries or uncertainty in life...having the answers to all the major challenges of life :)

nau. I want to have a blemish-free love story...and I am very compromising gal....I am ready for a love story even after marriage (of course with the guy I marry...don't you start having some wrong ideas :P ) but I'm just being realistic...24 yrs old, single, with a big list of eligibility criterion...it's tough finding a guy who would dare enough to have a love story with me...that too an everlasting...so I'm ready to let my parents capture a scapegoat, but he better works towards fulfilling this ambition of mine ;)

decade. Last but not the least...I'm not a very courageous person...so this one would be a coded wish...there is something, beyond this list which means a lot to me at present...somewhere a part of me is giving up on it...somethings are just not meant to be you know...but then there is a part of me which would hold on till it can...I just hope the latter part wins...and I wish I have what it takes to stand for it...to believe in it..and to be true in my efforts for it...

Now that was some list (crazy one I know...but that's exactly who I deep inside am...) Aur fir, kisi cheez ko bahut shiddat se maango, toh poori kayanat use dilane mein aapka saath deti hai na....taking law of nature and probability into account...at least 50% of the wishes should come true...and you guys being a part of kayanat  can always gear in n help making the wishes turn true!!

Filhaal at 3 in night...I so wish that the Gurgaon Electricity Board stops playing with me and turn the power on!!! (I need a 5 minute of modem on to post this blog and well, sign off all my account...so that when Pa logs in the morning, he doesn't sees all my accounts open n wishes to have a saner n more sensible daughter :P )

Post-Script: Gurgaon being Gurgaon...the light never showed up...not before ma was up and busy playing Freecell...sighs...so it's another 6-7 hours before tha public gets my torture :D :D :D

Animation and Me ;)

Pre-Script: This post, in a way, proves how good of an aunt I am for my niece n nephews. It also clearly showcases me as a lead supporter of piracy as far as animation movies are concerned, again it 'll also let the readers (poor souls :( ) know that I still have a kid alive in me (yeah I know shocking, if anyone has fainted reading this, I sincerely request the person sitting beside them to sprinkle some water, because well I know I've the perfect serious gal image :P and I work hard to keep it intact, but we all have our weak points) but the motive of post in none of those cited above....to know the mystery; please read on :D

I kind of have this habit of stocking all the animation movies with me whenever I find them (or rather whenever I feel I'm wasting my internet's bandwidth by not utilizing it and keeping the torrent inactive :D ) Initially this habit of stocking the cartoon movies was on the pretext of doing so for my adorable nieces...like a sweet, responsible, loving, caring and completely devoted Aunt, I made sure to have at least a dozen or so movie ready in hand before the angels (read devils in disguise ;)) ) came for a trip to India....and then came those times when I was out of stock to watch anything (these are the days before I got absorbed by a number of series) and hence, I started watching the animation movies myself....

I remember watching a couple of Tom n Jerry movies while I was a kid...and yeah, Bug's Bunny too...but more often than not, what I caught up with in name of animation was episodic like TaleSpin, Mickey Mouse, The lil mermaid, Ducktales n so on.... not really a full length movie kind of thing....and hence, in the name n duty of being a "Maasi" I ventured in the world of movies without real people for the first time...

Since then, there have been lots of animation movies I have watched (again being a responsible Aunt you see, I need to watch the movies and make sure they are suitable for my niece...can't let them b badly influence, I'm more than enough of a kind in the family ;) )

But the last two movies I have caught, have actually made me question....question if something is wrong with me, or are the animation movies getting more serious than the usual adult movies....I for one am not a big time movies buff...I do see movies once in a while, but it's tough for me to see a movie with complete dedication...and I generally don't tend to flow out in emotions while watching movies...In fact I remember how we had a school premier of Kal Ho Na Ho, and the gals with me started crying since before the intermission till the end of the movie, and I was rolling my eyes, as to what on earth is wrong with these gals!!! I really have no business in crying while watching a movie, in general....

The only time I remember myself crying in a movie was during the Hum Aapke Hain Kaun show...and I was barely 7 or so that time....couldn't help crying when one of my fav person on screen was dying...I absolutely adored Renuka Shahne back then, and so it got a lil too sad for me...but over the years I rarely have cried...one movie which I love till date n still makes me cry has been "My Sister's Keeper" and I know how badly I'm recommending the movie to everyone around me (though bad guys these people are...they just don't watch it!!! X( )

But I'm afraid of my state of my mind now....the last two animation movies I've seen have left me in tears :( "Tangled" and "Despicable Me"....recently saw them n somewhere towards the end of both the movies I found my eyes wet....and this is grossly unacceptable... (I'm sure my niece n nephew never 'll actually even shed a tear in the movie) and there I was, feeling all what not for the lifeless in reality characters...not loving this shift in my emotional stability even one bit :(

Anyways, as for the movies, both of them are awesome, n must watch...specially Tangled...it's a visual treat and I doubt if there is anyone who can resist loving our very sweet Maximus....Despicable Me is a delight in itself thanks to the three girls, but still a lil faded in front of Tangled...but then comparing the two movies is like comparing two entirely different entity...must watch movies for any age group (and if any of you cries watching either of them, please let me know...it would be a solace to know I'm not the lonely miserable hopeless soul to do the same :-? )....and as for me...I'll keep wondering if the movies really were that amazing, or I finally actually have lost my nuts n bolts to cry for a animation movie :)

Post-Script: I'm a lil more at peace...happy with the fact that I didn't cry watching "A Bug's Life" :D :D :D Party time!!!! But then, the movie lost it's pace around the first 20 to 40 min....only to pick it again after an hour, but it was a lil too late...nice one for kids, I doubt how much buddhi's like me would prefer it though (specially in the absence of any absolutely heart stealing character...the lil ant princess named Dot tries to do the same, but isn't all that effective given the lil screen time she has had :| ) ...Anyways, I'm hopeful my season of crying while watching cartoons is over, but I'm going to test it again soon, with "Gnomeo and Juliet"..."ll keep you guy's updated, even if you don't want to be :D

Post-Post Script: The blog, of nothing else, gave me a nice excuse to play with pictures and create collage :D :D :D ....Here goes the creation ;)) (do pass me the compliments for the pathetic job done :P ) [As it is, this blog is a pure testimony to how useless n workless I am these days....laziness at its epitome...YayyyY!!!!! ]

Stranger In The Mirror : Not the Review

And I had to write this post 3 days back...but then, life came to a full circle...I remember my firs few days in MBA...same looks like the end...had an unending project report to deal with....n well the last presentation of the course actually reminded and made me go through all what I had in the very first presentation almost 18 months back...life doesn't change much, isn't it :)

So, "Stranger in the Mirror", a novel read by me ages back...has nothing to do with this post...

Nor as one of my friend thought (after reading my status message on FB around 4 days back), is it related to the horror/thriller movie Mirrors (again saw it over 2 years back)...

But this one was a personal reflection, which I prefer to believe holds true for everyone (ab I can't say I'm different in each n every aspect, one shouldn't be that abnormal too after all :P ) "If we look close enough in the mirror, we often find the biggest stranger in our life..." or something like that was the status message I had on Facebook...a quick way to put your thoughts across the world, and definitely better than Twitter (of course, isn't it obvious that I'll choose FB over Twitter...to a gal with never ending blogs, 420 words over 160 chars, the choice is simple enough for even a kid to make!!!)

Just had a thought....we all spend our lives in judging people (yes, I honestly do, n be honest, so do you...) we appreciate them, critique them...find their shortcomings or their strong points (and again lets be honest...from the finding the positive n negative in other, which part do v most often unearth??) We (or rather I'll shift back to I), I definitely can writes essays about the characters, habits and traits of at least a couple of dozens of people...it's just so simple...and I'm so stringent in my belief, so sure that what I think of that person, is how that person really is...and well, no one can change that opinion, but I myself...but why would I (it's tough to accept you are wrong, even if it's something you have to confess to yourself n not the world :-| )

But then, how often do we think of ourselves...how often do we actually measure ourselves on the same parameters, look out for same behavior n characteristics, as we assess in those around us....do we really know ourselves, what we truly are?? Truth be told, I at least don't!!!

Today, if I confess, I probably am the person I know about least....other's can call me predictable, but to think of, I don't know who I've turned out to be, someone I would have appreciated as an on-looker (like I appreciate few people around me..) or someone I would have found full of errors and condemned....is there any way, I can be as true at self-assessment as I am while assessing others???

Till date, I actually have tried making sure that I don't end up doing the very same things, which I don't like seeing other's do...which I raise an issue, complain or even crib behind their backs (yup, that a shortcoming, and being a gal, it's not surprising; but well I do talk about people, I do end up picking their wrongs...and I am not apologetic...because somewhere I know, the majority of us do that...and well, I don't think it's wrong too...it's a part of being in the society.... ;)) Nice excuse...right?? )

Anyways, to cut the long story short, I liked the novel "Stranger in the Mirror", the movie "Mirrors" was good enough to keep me glued till end (I've a bad habit of leaving movies half watched!!! ) but what fascinates me, is the person that reflects back while I look in the mirror....for that's one person I know the least about......

I love love but...

I guess I was just waiting for d clock to strike 12..so dat I don't break a promise on promise day itself..yeah I know I had promised a proper post wid proper reasoning and perfect reasoning and I frankly doubt if this post wud qualify dat criteria..for a change,this is my first post from mobile..so hopefully it 'll b small given how typing on a touch phone is a deadly task..

So coming to d post..d week of love made me feel a lot of things..starting from d fact dat I'm almost 24 n single, it was a mixed feeling..yeah I can b a lil upset over d fact dat everyone around me is busy making plans n celebrating wid their partners n I'm sittin in my room..blogging :P but then again I'm happy too..I don't have to worry and fret abt buying gifts n making plans..everything has pros n cons..being single is no different..

There r actually instances which make me wonder if I can actually survive in a relationship..I mean I know I'm sweet,cute n adorable :P everyone says so :D but I doubt myself in a relation..was just analyzing myself as a gf candidate..n realized I'll b a big let down..just jotting down d shortcomings of me, for a change khud ki burai hi sahi afterall even during our interviews v prepare to answer what our weakness r n try to justify them as strength..this ain't going to b any different :D 

The list can serve a dual purpose..can scare off any guy who thinks of getting in a relation with me,haan baba khushfahmi hai meri ki koi aisa galti se bhi schema :P par here goes d list :)

1. Meet the Maharani: Yup, dats d nickname my roomies back during B.Tech days had given me..n even they accept it wasn't bcoz I was lazy, which I am,I accept..no one really did give any concrete reason for it..but everyone feels I'm too pampered by my family..spoilt wid things I necessarily don't need..right from excess of clothes,to phone replacements, imported coffee n what not..it actually just makes me a lil demanding n choosy at the same time..tough for a guy to handle :D

2. Sole peaceful existence: Yeah, even a management degree doesn't help me..I just am not fond of going out..love my solace..I like being alone and love being wid close friends..but I'm a social disaster..a complete no disc no pub person..so I very much am a let down to any guy's social group..wud love to spend time with d guy but he definitely wud miss on showcasing his gf to d world..I just am not d right person for it..more of candlenight dinner..a walk at d beach person..

3. Chatterbox: As I said, I love being with friends..and any guy I get in a relation with got to b one of my closest friend..I don't talk much in general..but in known close groups I just love to talk..I doubt guys can continue talking for hours once a reln is like a year or so..tough job to do :)

4. Rebel Me: The pampered soul, dats me, has issues being told what to do, how to dress, where to go..I mean it's a big negative..but unless it's a request I take it as challenge..I am a feminist I doubt at times...I just can't take the orders, it any day feels great to do things u r asked not to do..afterall no one tells me how I shd behave when my parents hav given me freedom to live the way I want..

5. Ambitions: They make u strive, they make u work hard..they make u see d dreams, but they r very tough for d people around u..I know it bcoz I've seen it..I've seen how expectations kill u..how u r required to match d success ur siblings have attained, b equally well off if not more..n I've no issues from people who expected from me..they r d ones who love me d most n want d most for me..do not want me to get stable n stale..but I've become too ambitious maybe..

When did d wishes of those around me became my wishes I  don't know..par today I want a picture perfect comfortable life..I, without any guilt, openly accept dat love alone wud never b enuf for me..I'm practical enuf today to realize d value if money n basic comforts of life in absence of which love slowly fades away..bitter truth

6. Hot headed: One of the biggest con..I get angry quiet too often :( trying to work on it..still no solution..and the more I love n care for someone, more I'm open or close to someone, the higher r the chances of dat person listening to my useless angry crap..yeah I cool down soon but d damage is done..I end up saying lot of hurting things which I rarely do mean..n no use being sorry then..I know I don't deserve being forgiven, though there r those pampering and spoiling souls who actually have always ignored my angry banter..

This is one point I actually have no excuse for..but it's may e a true law..v hurt only those v love :-| and I'm becoming an expert of dat..sighs

7. Mr. Perfect: I'm a gal who can't use even d most common of slangs..in fact I know people find it shocking d way I generally am stuck to 'aap' in my conversation, including my lil nieces n nephews, turning to 'tum' only wid friends of my age n rarely ever does a 'tu' slips off my mouth...tough for a guy to match..u can't b a guy till u hav few slangs on tip of your tongue, till u can pass few double meaning comments in friend circle..and I actually don't mind it..but I refuse to accept such talks to happen around me..so a guy has to b hyper alert to ensure he doesn't slip sum not so gud word while I'm around :P

Similarly I'm absolute teetotaler..n I can't stand smoking n drinking..maybe I'm just scared of it's consequences..so I do get cold feet as soon as I see a guy getting into either..looks like soon there wud b just no eligible guys for me..again sighs ;)

8. Respect: Again a tough deal breaker..a relation as per me won't survive even when there is a lot of love n no money issues...I do need to respect d guy n b able to look upto him..n believe me, earning someone's respect is even tougher than earning a person's trust..specially in case of me..I myself feel dat I've too high standards, I expect too much..but then I know there exist guys who have all my respect so shouldn't d one I've to b with whole my life deserve d same :)

9. Insecured: Bachpan se..na jaane kyun..I'm both insecure n possessive..once I love a person I can bear anything but loosing dat person..I mean I'm into things completely, there r just no half measures..I'm just too scared of them..I, touchwood, haven't lost anyone close to me..witnessed distances cropping up,but never been completely shut off..and I can't bear d thought of same..so well I'm ready to face anyone n any situation...but u just got to convince me time n again dat u won't leave me alone midway..I demand hundred person commitment bcoz I give dat..

10. I'm a Gemini: Yeah the list can keep on going..and even touchphones can't reduce my post size..but well..trying to make d last point out of unlimited reasons..on a bittersweet light note..I love being a Gemini. It's one of d most colorful n interesting zodiac sign..but it's most unstable too..I know zodiacs r like a superstition but still..I do find few right applicable points...

I've kind of dual personality..tough to handle...

It's hard to grab,n if grabbed retain my attention..

Commitment comes a lil late for me...

I love my freedom n individuality..being with just one person completely is a kill daunting...and a threat to independence :D

And so the list goes on.......

Wow now I really do know d mystery behind my single status..n well it's not all dat bad..I do have lots of chocolate supply, soft toys, people who care n 'll always be around me, a really loving family...and again last but not the least, the right to flirt n eye any guy I want too..without being wrong..it's nice to keep on evaluating guys n find dat they wud fail some parameter or other..sadistic pleasure :P

And no hard feelings..I really am happy for all the couples around me...trust me when it has to happen it 'll happen with me..n I know a lot 'll change in me over d years..so well one day people might even pull my leg n say inni bad bad baatein karti thi n dekho ab sab defy Kar rahi hai..a part of me wants dat day to come soon...a part of me is celebrating the singlehood till it's bestowed to me :)