Wondering of the "Dead-Ends"

It has been long...like 20 days long, when I last ventured into venting out something...and I thought, that is it...I carried through my resolution in January, and trust me, one month is pretty long enough...so after 6 weeks I can give up with that a post a week resolution for the year...but then coming here...counting the number of posts I have up for the year, "mann mein fir vishwas jaga...ummeed ki ek kiran nazar aayi...aur fir main...main chali aayi" ;)

Last couple of weeks...were definitely my busiest ones..and of course what can keep you busy other than job...so it was a little too challenging...but then, once it's done with...you kind of start feeling good of having done it (and of course you start feeling tooooo lazy to start working on new things :| well, very human..) 

There are days when you count every minute of the day...and then there are days that pass in blink of an eye...so while I do complain of getting bored and not having things to kill time, February, being as short as it is, did fly off for me...and now, well...things seem even more on fast track..specially with travelling on cards...hopefully this travel would all be good news (though I still can't motivate myself to be really upbeat about the travelling part...I seriously detest moving)

What happened to blog...took its toll on reading too...have been pretty slow on that front as well :( But no worries...to welcome the weekend, I had a huge Flipkart courier waiting for me when I returned home...between those books and my ebooks, it seems my time should be spent well :D :D (and hope that I find time enough to read all that I want to...which is kind of like asking for moon..)

Ab since I am back...so should my regular dose of philosophy be...haven't we all been in a situation, where we know that this is the limit of goodness and happiness we can get...that we never would have the right to demand more...and we kind of knowingly move ahead with it...resolving never to demand more...thinking that what we are being bestowed with, is more than what we can ask for...not willing to let go off that happiness in our lives...

And then haven't after a period of time (which is like few year for some people, few months for others...maybe few weeks or even days for someone as hasty and impossible as me), don't we just detest the fact that we want so much more, but it just won't be right to demand more...that whole turmoil of wishing for something, and knowing you shouldn't be wishing for it...you don't have a right to it, because right from the beginning you knew the limits you could go to....then passes few more weeks (or months, or years, or days, as applicable from individual to individual)...when the questions start at the back of your mind...why are you really doing this..if you are doing it, don't you deserve something more out of it...there you start wondering why aren't you getting back what you are giving from your end...and you tend to forget at times, this is what you bargained for...no one really asked you to go out of the way and start doing/ thinking/ feeling/ caring as much as you ended up doing...and just because you did, you don't have the right to demand the same from other end...

It's confusing...I know...but that's life...so yeah, with whatever little time I have after the craziness called work-space, I kind of tend to ponder over it...why do we tend to move on a path, knowing that it would meet a dead-end...and then when we reach that dead-end, we kind of shout unfair...we want to keep on moving ahead...we want a new road laid down, specially for us...and even when the smartest choice (a) then is to retrace the steps back and return, it takes us long, really long to convince ourselves that we really need to return (b), rather than waiting day in and day out to see a new way forward... 

(a) - Okie, accepted, had we been smart enough, we never would have walked on a path with dead end and not the destination on it..so common, we aren't smart enough to make the smartest choice...but having a li'l mercy, one can make the second smartest choice possible...

(b) - let's not get into the preachy mode of, one should build a path on reaching a dead end...it's philosophy, not a self help, do it yourself, dig in and make the way concept...there are few things, which are just beyond us...which depends more on the situation and people around us...so no, building the road ahead is not possible..I can start shoving the land...understand the analogy!!

And yeah, we crib...we complain...some of us walk back all the way to the point we started from (that's whenever we get into senses)...people like me wait for too long...and even when we walk back, it's like we are waiting for something to happen...some excuse to turn back and travel to that dead end again...with the hope that maybe the road ahead from that dead end has magically appeared...it's tough...really tough to let go..and it would be way too long (if not forever), before I'll learn how to do that...

PS: If none of the scribbling makes sense, don't worry..it's something wrong from my side, and nothing is wrong with your comprehension skills (duh!! you already know that...don't you? ) And as an excuse for myself, it happens...specially when you end up sleeping before you saw 10 on the clock...and found yourself up at 2, with the thoughts of how dumbly you forgot to send some mails that required to be sent ASAP (and it's too late already)...and you still can't help but make sure now that you remember, you do the work...looks like the rest of the night (if there is any left as per general conception of night), would be spent hoping to find my beauty sleep again...sighs...Life sure is tough!! :P

The Question of Love...

I was on a reading spree this weekend...completed three novels over the last two days (one of which was going since a week..and two were started n finished this weekend itself), and yeah, I want to say a lot about them (they were all really good to be honest, and I am just being lazy in doing a review)..and then I had started this fourth one (which would have to wait for another weekend to get over with)...

It's by a new author which has actually amazed me by the first novel I read...after I was on verge of giving up on Indian authors, I found I am not 24 by Sachin Garg, and maybe I will pull myself for a review later, but all in all, he is worth the read...Starting with his second novel, I turned pages to read the beginning of it...a place where the author had tried to give (or rather wonder) his views about love...and it touched a raw place in me...somewhere it seemed that here is a guy as lost as me...and if not lost, as confused...probably I am trying to take credits, but his words seemed kind of the ones that can come from me (and all apologies to the author for trying to compare myself with him)...but for those who know, here are the online 2 pages of the part I am talking about...read it and do let me know if you find any resemblance :D

Have just read a couple of the chapters of the book...but still, I am most amazed by the beginning only...kind of made me think quiet a lot...it's not that different people have different definitions of love, in fact same person has multiple definition of love..I love lots of people...and I love them all in a different way....and then again, my beliefs and feelings regarding love are definitely not what they used to a few years back...

When I change as a person, how can I expect someone to keep loving me the same way even when I change...I know the time when I had been innocent..and I know I can no longer say I am one...I was the one who was childish...and now sometimes I myself feel I am far too serious...how do I expect someone who fell in love with the cute kid, to love the mature, overgrown (and don't you dare say old) me...how can I bring myself to love someone who is no longer the complementary person I looked for...

Yeah, I know...I am uselessly wondering a lot...but then I just went a few years down in the memory...I care for all those who are close to me, who once were close to me...without whom life seemed impossible once...and whom I thought I loved...I still care for them...they are still special...but I don't think I love them...in fact sometimes I wonder if I ever loved them...my definition of love probably has changed...probably 'll continue to change...and probably a forever love is one in which you find a soul mate who changes with you (or rather with whom I can change)...and even while saying this, I doubt it really is possible...

At some point of time in life, all of us 'll compromise...and maybe it's finding a person irresistible enough to compromise for that is love...of I don't know...I maybe never will...but yeah, other than this eternal love on which millions of love stories are written, I know one thing for fact now...the love of family is definitely an unconditional one...they really can forgive almost anything...no matter how bad you are, your parents and siblings have the magic of finding the good in you (or rather the fault of being unable to see your fault)...

PS: I really have no idea why I wrote whatever I wrote...to be honest I am afraid to even look back at it...because I know I might just erase it all...but sometimes (or most often) one should come up with raw, incoherent post...maybe this is just one of them...do check the author's note though...it's way better lined up (would have to be...after all the proof reads and editing ;) ) Hopefully would be back sooner...with something better...

Attraction, it is!!

Ever wondered what keeps you waking at 4 in morning...yup, it being a Saturday night, no office the next day, no work pressure (though I still have a pending deliverable which I am trying to ignore as best as one possibly can :P ) I can't believe it's over 24 hours since I haven't opened the office laptop :D :D :D , though truth be told I've accessed my official mails 3 times in these 24 hours....

Anyways, other than weekend and work (which to be honest hasn't yet) what can keep you waking till 4...lots of thoughts definitely (thoughts that generally tend to b lot speculative, sad, depressing, ruining and what not....yuck!!! night is such a precious thing, and these thoughts are certainly not welcomed to ruin it, but then most of the time they do :( )....In my case a perfectly sweet novel can keep me awake too...n yeah, till an hour back or so, I actually was reading one and completing it in one sitting...nothing new in that though...

But there is more to it...unlike my usual cry stories (yeah yeah I sob a lot, even I know that :| ) or loads of gyaan and philosophy (though I'm sure I'm quickly going to switch to at least one of these two...) I am quiet happy tonight...and when you are happy, you should probably live in those moments...why waste them sleeping :D After all waise bhi, these days I rarely find myself all happy n cheerful...and the best part of the story is, it's without any reason...what more can a gal ask for than to b in an unreasonably happy mode (even when she has lots to worry about, and I won't even start counting items on that list...I'm determined to be happy for the moment, am I not using the word moment too often :-? )

So, question for the day (or night or whatever 4 in twilight time is) is...what exactly attraction is...I won't play with the definition of it, for a change, but then, I do have questions about it...do attractions make any sense....do they need to make any sense...is being attracted to something, to someone a good or a bad thing...and the most important of all; how is it that we get attracted to only few, most of it, most of it to probably things which we really don't think we ever can like...

Maybe attraction is just another word for insanity...for finding yourself do things you have no reason or excuse for doing...the only bottom line is; somewhere like love, you can't help what or who you get attracted to...and like you can't stop it from happening, you just can't make it happen too...it just happens, to give you a lil sweet thing to wonder about...and spend a night figuring out, how did it happen...that too when you had given up the hope of it happening again....just like falling in love, you probably get attracted when you are convinced it never is going to happen to you again (and I am saying this, just in hope of that the former would happen, now that the latter has happened :D )

And last but not the least (the truly philosophical part is going to come, so brace yourself!!) why am I excited that I am attracted...not because I believe I have found my true calling...or bcoz I have found a promise of a future (if I know myself well, I get bored of things as quickly as I used to get attracted to them...yeah it was me who loved embroidery and kind of excelled in all kind of stitches only to leave it since ages now, it was me who was crazy about making soft toys....me again who once loved dancing n has two left feet as of now, me who talks to a person hours at length for a day or two, only to find she doesn't want to talk to that person again, as she has nothing to say or listen to :P )

But then, of late, it has been so long since I really found something I looked forward to...life had become kind of boring and drag...and so I was so afraid that I've become an oldie (you can still stand firm in your belief that I sound like a granny, but I know I definitely am not one :) )...but I was quite convinced that nothing interests me anymore...and now, with the new found attraction, I am happy...I am all normal, convinced that I am still living, still looking forward for good new things in life..still open to experience, and best of all, I still can have a new beginning...So here to hope, faith, love, peace and last but not the least a new found belief (yup, this sentence is added for the pic I selected, just couldn't resist it :) from wherever I found it, it had the caption laws of attraction ;) )

But for the new morning I really need to call it night...and one way or other...really put myself to sleep...finally, for a while (with a hope that I get up in an equally good mood ) :) :)