The Questions and the Child...

Am I the only one, or it keeps happening to all of us...that irresistible urge to speak out...to say out things you probably shouldn't be...to ask the questions, which aren't meant to be asked...

I personally hate mysteries...they attract you..you want to uncover them...but then there are situations when you are expected to behave like grown ups...and not question...being a grown up demands a maturity from you...the maturity to know what should be asked, and what should be...I detest that maturity...I would have prefer going back to being a kid...to simply ask...from anyone...without bothering about the consequences...without the fear of making a fool out of myself...without really wondering how the other person would perceive...

I loved the freedom that my nephew has...how easily he sat besides me while I was working...and simply said.."I want to talk to you...I need to know why you don't have kids yet?"...I'm sure only he can ask this..that innocently, that cutely...and though he can make me stop my work for the few moments...he even gives me the reason to reflect...but at least he has the freedom to ask aloud...not that he would really get true answer...not that I am looking for true answers...because I know, true answers are a rare thing in this world...but I could see he was at peace...he had said aloud what he wanted to...why don't I have that freedom any longer...why do I need to suffocate with my question, but not speak out aloud...

Growing up looked like so much fun...and not that I relent being a grown up...it does have its perks...but growing up has started meaning that my wings cannot really make me fly...I have the freedom to do as a I please...but all that I do would be evaluated...and hence, I really don't do what I might feel like doing...I manage my life in compartments...one separated from the other...because there is so much I'm expected to do, so much I am not expected to...I've to be someone for someone, I've to be someone else for the other...and do I get lose myself in these persona...do I really don't get a chance to speak what's in my mind...

I so want to ask a hundred question...I am holding back...for a day when they all would flood out...because no matter how much I grow...how soon I held on to maturity...there resides a child within...a child who wants to talk, without thinking about consequences...a child who wants to ask the questions, without really thinking if it really is right to ask...a child who wants the answers, even if they really aren't true...

Of Routine, Changes, Courage and of course; Life...

The extended weekend is ending...and it would be back to usual official weekday schedule in another few hours...and that's not to say that my weekends aren't usual...it's kind of same stuff I end doing every weekend, extended or not...make sure to finish a novel...catch on at least a couple of series from US/UK (which makes you wonder why don't we make something as engrossing and sensible as then...why are we stuck to daily shows rather than weekly...why don't we believe in seasons but go on n on n on in continuity...)

Anyways, in short, coming to the crux of it; every now n then (more often than not), life gets predictable...same old set of rules...same routine...same things that happen, and same that do not...and then every once in a while (rarely), we try to break free of the mould...to change things, because the routine is no longer acceptable...but then again, do we really know how to break it...we probably know nothing but that usual routine...that has been the life for us...and that's why, even though we wish, hope and pray for it...we resist changes...even if we know it's better to change some habits, to learn something new...we have an impulsive tendency to make no changes....to let things go on as they are...

Trying to bring a change...proposing a change, is a risk...a risk we won't take...not in general...not unless we are forced to...because though a risk can be rewarding, what we see is how it can hurt...how often do we resist wishing for something  better, just because we fear we might end up losing the little routine that we have...the routine that we are probably bored of, but is still better than losing it altogether...no wonder, it takes courage, to explore, to discover, to succeed, and mostly importantly, to fail...

Who says, losers are coward, the cowards are the ones who never played...the losers were the ones who risked it all...who took chances even when they knew they could end up being called 'loser'...they were no less, if not more, brave than the winners...and the more you are willing to lose, the more you stand to win...but then, few things...few people, few moments...are too precious to be lost, they are what makes you feel secure...they give you a stability...so you hold on to them...you make them your routine...you try to be content with them...live with it, be happy with them...and you try no to wish for more...but then again, when you don't try for better,  you end up with one inevitable question...is what you have, going to stay...you aren't trying to move up to something better, won't one to you just slip to something lower...

After all, there are some strange way of nature....even to maintain our routine life, we need to take the risk...try to make changes...resist our implicit instinct...keep on bringing something new...keep things alive...to ensure, we aren't bored of the routine...and the routine isn't bored of the same old us...

PS: Once again, I started with something...and reached totally somewhere else...with lot of hidden meanings..playing with words, which conceal what I meant at place...a code, buried so deep in words, that maybe if I read it again myself a couple of days down the line, I won't get it...but that's where the fun lies...read a line; and interpret it the way you like...even if we don't change...the words, apparently remaining same, change in their meaning...sounds a lot like life!

Wandering thoughts...

I hold you close...I cherish you..and I detest you...I know I'm never going to get rid of you, maybe, actually very likely, I don't even want to...

You moisten up my eyes, both in happiness and despair...you have defined me, or was it I who created you...you really haven't turned out to be the way I wanted you to be, you aren't exactly what I hoped you would be...but that's the way it always has to be...things aren't supposed to be the way we expect them to be...else where would we find the challenge of changing them...but then I don't know, do you create me, or do I create you...which one of us is dependent on the other...

It's tough to separate me out from you...you are that much woven in me...what we share is a perfect love-hate relationship....how so often, I wish you weren't here...that I wasn't forced to deal with you...and then suddenly when I am down, you turn up to be the one to bring smile to my face...

There is so much I've done, it could be right or wrong...but you took it all...you nurtured it, you make sure I know of my deeds...and it's not that you really teach...I do same things again...sometimes you win, proving me that I would end recreating you...sometimes you lose, I end up rewriting you...and as much as I want to run away from you, I'll still come back to you...because you are what I know for sure...you are what I identify with...

You are my friend...you are my foe...you are my shadow...or maybe you are 'Me'...


“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Sometimes they are not, but they precious still the same...Because they are, who you are...

Quick Status Check...

And it's back to those days when time flies...oh, if it isn't very obvious; I am back home (and yes, haven't stepped out of home since last 80 hours, that's when I popped in as a surprise package for ma-pa...and well, surprises can be both happy n sad in any case ;) )

So yeah, it's almost 4 days since I am back...and I had taken two days leaves thinking to get few things in order at home before I get stuck with my day in and day out regular office routine...and well, time flew...I don't know what I did for the last four days (other than the but obvious, SLEEP)...for I definitely didn't turn up as a good daughter n made the day any special for mom (and such an angel she is, as per her, there is is nothing special as Mother's day...every day is her day...till the marketing people devised a day specially to increase their sales!! Then I had to be a fair daughter as well..pa was super sad reading the news that for an average 20 billion dollar spent for mother's day, only 11 billions are spent for father's day...I just had to show him that I love them both equally, so nothing special for either...not a good daughter I know...but I'll live in the khushfahmi of being a very good daughter!!)

That's how home-coming is for me...I step inside the home, and then it takes a lot of universal conspiracy to push me out of home...home is a parking slot from where my car refuses to take a reverse gear (talking of cars and gears, I need to get myself enrolled in some driving brush up classes...all in order to get a licence...and stop relying on dad for drop and pick up services from office....reminds me, I need to find a goodie good car as well for him; he might, but I don't trust myself with a new car :D )

So yup, looking from an eye of an outsider (or honestly, even mine) I kind of live a very closed, total homely life once at home..now that I have to go to office tomorrow, it again isn't something I am really looking forward to...but that would come in routine...other than that...well, let's see what makes me step out of the home before di turns up and I go on a real shopping spree (of late I have found something different, which I coined up as online-window-shopping)...but then di's yearly visit give us both ample of reasons to shop...and if nothing, this year, it seems like di n I are going to have a lot of time together alone (oh, I don't count the kids in our way...and jiju's can always be sidelined)...

Now that the prayers and counting days to come back home are over...I am gearing up to count the days till the lovely angel in disguise of devil (or the other way round) is ready to show up at home...and then again, I will find another count beginning...it's always good to have something to look forward to ;)

A quote...and lots of thoughts...

Was just going through few old notes and collections...and came across this one quote, no idea from where it came and who has coined it...just that it touched me (duh, being a gal, n that too a touchy one, it had to...why else would I find this one in one of my all time favorite quotes collection...)

And I never would say what love is...to me, something I said years back is the truest I know of love...it is inexplicable (and still we spend ages explaining it), beyond words (and yet we spend eternity trying to define it and put it in words) and unreasonable (still, if you love someone, you are expected to answer that person why on this earth you love him/ her)...but somewhere, I find myself agreeing to every word of this quotation...here it goes...

I won't say I know what love is for everyone, but I can tell what it is for me...

Love is knowing the worst about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than anyone else...

Love is trusting someone enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you have been ashamed of...

Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you....

Love is loving them....even when its the last thing you should do...

Just left me with a couple of thoughts...

- reading it, I don't think anyone of us can say love can happen just once..in fact, I don't even think, love needs to happen to only one person at a time...can't we confide with a couple of special ones..don't we know the bad parts of few people and still accept them with all our hearts...and one is definitely going to b in a very risky place if one finds comfort only in presence of a single person...love by itself, doesn't need to be with one...it's just the conventional way we start looking at love...

- once it happens, it just can't go...if it goes, it never was there...and truly, opposite of love, isn't hate...it's ignorance...and that never comes easy..

- I just ended up remembering few people (and a couple really special people) while reading the quotes...so yeah, I at least love a little too many :)

And love covers a lot of other expects...for example, I love the quote itself...not that I can confide in it, or get weak in my knees or trust it ;)

The Travelling Times...

There are phases in life when one chooses silence...there are phases, when the silence chooses us...and then there are the travelling phases which ensures silence...

In last three weeks, I have been across 5 states...reached places I never knew existed in India...met people, I really doubt I will ever meet again...lived without connectivity (now I can write an entire epic over that)...all in all, it has been one of its kind of experience...and in between all this, found a new meaning to silence...there have been days, I went on talking just 20 odd sentences in a day...there have been nights when I have been on call for hours (I really give a damn to roaming now ;) ) Walked with strangers...realizing few people are born helpful, and few are going to create troubles, no matter what...

It has been a journey of a lifetime (specially when you are someone like me, who openly detests travelling)...there have been times, I have craved to go back home...there have been moments when I have lost my cool, because I couldn't find a way back home....and no wonder, there has been a lot of cribbing (when I can crib without reason, I have been given ample of reasons in last few days..) But for a change, let's count the positives of all the travelling I am doing in last few days...

A. I ended up reading a lot...at least in the first few days, stuck at a place where my life was confined to guest house and factory....and the road in between...I completed almost 3 novels in just a week :D

B. I re-affirmed my theory that I can actually live and adapt at any place I am thrown at...

C. Worked in completely unstructured, unknown, clueless environment with no one to reach out for help...phew, I still don't know how good or bad the result has been (would know sooner or later, so keeping the fingers crossed...and please please please pray for me...that I don't fail big time!!)

D. Had a brief experience of the Nomad's life (and have had enough of it too honestly)...being someone who loves to plan, I almost ended up spending time on the platform while people argue and disagree where I should be staying...that was one phase I never 'll forget...in fact I was confused too at the time...to shout out, to return back..or to spill give way to tears :|

E. Actually have started missing the work I was doing...I now miss the regular office hours...the kind of expected work...the known faces around...and the regular routine...

F. Realized that one should never complain about traffic...you tend to find yourself in a worse than before situation every time you complain...

G. Have seen a lot of mornings...mornings as in opened my eyes (and in few cases even dragged my sweet self) out of bed as early as 6:30 or so...and that my dear, is an achievement for a gal who in last 9 months (that since post training), hasn't got up from bed before 9...

H. Not that I never have gone in deep thoughts (or my bouts of philosophy as I call it), but still after long demanding days and all the travelling, I kind of haven't been able to dwell on sad thoughts or philosophy for long ;)

I. While writing this blog, realizing it's already mid of my travel (hopefully) and then again, its mid April...just 4 more months till I meet my favorite person...and yeah yeah, just 2 more till I celebrate (or rather witness) the silver jubilee of my existence (gives me a chance to coin the 25th step)

J. Got the surprises of more weddings coming up next year (which is kind of both happy and sad news...happy for people finding their life partners...but kind of lost trying to understand why is everyone in such a hurry to marry...this seems like a race I am destined to be last in :P )

K Proud of myself of being able to count 10 days in a trip that I just crib about :D

Anyways....that's about it at the moment...my writing needs a little oiling...and I need to get back to thinking mode...before I can actually write something...but before that, I have to sit and wonder, how to survive through the next week...once again in between stranger's faces and clueless work...

Till then, keep praying, that I return back home, safe and sound (I won't even bother hoping to return back sane...that's even more impossible than impossible itself!!)

(Just as clarification...neither are my travel bags pink, they are both black honestly, and a maroon handbag...nor am I least happy as the girl is...but yeah, I am definitely living out of suitcase...and finally unpacked for the first time Friday, after almost 3 weeks of travelling...else it was a daily routine of opening the bag and trying to pick out a dress to wear...and always ready to leave the place to travel somewhere else..)

The woes of Moving (rather Packing)

And it's the time to move...

That's what life has all been about for long...being a daughter of a bank employee, I've moved across places...a year here and a year there, we were once again packing and moving...and still, I know, I have shifted way less than my elder siblings...

Any interview that I remember, I've always said adaptability as my strength...to prove it is simple...I've changed almost ten schools...how can one survive that unless one adapts to the changes...new places...new people...new set of rules...and still, deep within me, I know, I haven't been all that successful...

I did move, I did adjust...but then, there wasn't an option with me...I moved because I had to...I adjusted because the whole bunch of new people won't change for me...in the process, I changed...not that I regret that, change is the only constant after all...but sometimes I do wonder, why don't I just go around and talk with anyone and everyone...after all, that should be easy for me...with so much of changing places n meeting new people that I have done in my life...but then, somewhere in between shifting and moving places, I started accepting that I am not in my comfort zone...rather than falling in the lure of friends and then bidding them goodbye, I made a world within myself...

Uff...too much of philosophy (which I know is truly me)...but then main crux is, even after shifting home so many times...seeing truck-loads of things being packed and unpacked...I still have huge issues while moving...like today...

When I realized I have to move, I thought me being a single person (no strings attached, and hence no gifts loaded on me in last ten months), who absolutely had no necessity to buy any furniture or utensils (perks of being in a service apartment), I won't need any movers/packers/courier people's help to move back to home (Yeah!! I finally am shifting to home...now my blog would have more of home complains rather than office and loneliness ones :P ) 

But then, I was realistic, I knew, I have seen two "Sale Season" staying alone in Hyderabad...and I even remember that I've given free health advice to people in the name of Retail Therapy...since I'm an age old loyalist of that therapy, I realized I definitely have added a lot of luggage (add to it, the multiple visits home were always for bringing stuff from there to here and never vice-versa)... So realistically, I went to the market n bought a big suitcase (the biggest that you get...the ones used for foreign travels (as if I would ever need them for that purpose :| )) 

Then thanks to some travel uncertainty, I started packing up long back...till I realized that two big suitcases (I had one more of that bada wala suitcase pehle se baba!!) and a normal sized trolley, won't be enough to fit my requirement....sighs...I really wasn't inclined to buy a new bag...so finally it was the time to move ahead and look for packers and movers...but then no credible packer and mover would be ready to take goods weighing like just 60 kgs at max...sighs...then came n picture GATI...

Now the less I say about it, the better...for I've already opened the carton I had packed for the movement and stuffed as much as I could back in the suitcase...those people never showed up...never liked the experience of calling up the customer care, Gati just made me have one of the worst ones...so here I'm (kind of feeling in the third world)...thinking how much additional baggage I'll pay tomorrow (and more importantly, hoping that they let me just put all the luggage, charge me, but not refuse me!!) And most importantly, what I am wondering right now is...where the hell do I pack my shoes and sandals...I just can't pick which ones to take and which ones to leave in that :(

Phew!! It's tough to move (even when you are moving to a place you want to move to ), and leaving old people behind, meeting new ones isn't the only challenge...the main challenge is looking at your belongings and wondering how to pack them and where (and of course wondering, since when did you start owning so much of them ;) )

I just hope this ordeal ends by tomorrow evening...and I settle down at home, with of course all my little few belongings!!

PS: The pic suits so well....how I am trying to cram all I can in my three innocent carry bags...sighs...I pity them, but I can't help them....they got to make space for my shoes now!!!!

The other side of the 'Expectation'...

There is one thing we all probably have heard or been told a number of times..."Root cause of all the heartaches and troubles in the world is having Expectations" ...there have been sermons I have read and heard, asking us not to expect anything...for if we don't expect a thing, those expectations won't be broken down...it wouldn't hurt to see people behaving in a way we never dreamed them to behave in...it won't kill us to see things we thought would surely happen turn impossible in this lifetime...

And still, at times I wonder, there is something worse than having expectations...it's knowing that people expect you to do something, to be someone...to behave in a way, u really don't feel like behaving in...it's a risk to expect something out of someone, but it's a hard task to come true to someone's expectations...it's easier to expect any day, than to stand true to what one expects you to be like...I am who I am, and still, I know very few will take us for who we are...there are so many layers to each of us...and sometimes I am sure, it's not us who wishes to be a person of multiple layers...it's just what the world made us...we come to treasure few people, and then we realize the expect something from us...to those people we become what they believed us to be, for it's better to add a layer in our personality, than to risk losing them...

No one is really perfect, I don't even understand why anyone is expected to be perfect...life has never been perfect in itself...else why would life be full of ups and downs...then why are humans expected to be always nice, or few are blamed to be always evil...I really doubt black and white exists in this world...it's mostly always grey, though we hardly accept it...

I know I've been hurt...for I expected a lot...from people, from things, and yes from life itself...and still, when I am out of that cribbing and crying mode (which I rarely am :P ), I do accept the fact that I've been blessed way more than many...I am blessed with a love, unconditional love at that...I might not have turned out as the happiest person, but I never was not cared for...and still, I expected more...I expect so much more out of people...and when I think of all that is expected from me, in those few moments I realize, how much I am burdening others with my demands and wishes...how vocal I am at times with criticism...

How do we judge someone...we all have different parameters of right and wrong...when we don't agree by those who judge us, how do we gain the right to judge someone else...how do we really go about selecting a person to be good enough for us...and that's exactly what we have done since childhood...picked friends, took sides, categorized everyone around us a person we looked up to or down at...when does a child starts doing that...who taught us to do it...I even wonder, did I really expect anything as a child...I guess not...and still I was happier, not because my expectations weren't there to be broken...simply because I knew no one really expected anything of me too...not something life changing...

Now, it's scary...now I have to sit and wonder, how am I really supposed to behave...how would certain action of mine be comprehended as...do I come across as too arrogant, or am I behaving too clingy...actions lose their fun when you have to think a hundred times before taking it...and still, that's what happens these days...I am doing something, but what would other think of this action from me...would they find me an attention seeker...or am I going to come out at someone who wants to be aloof...

Yeah, it's yet another mindless banter...but still, just give it a thought...how many of us would behave the way we behave..and do the things we do, if only we knew, we are from the expectations of the world...growing up is an irony...you get independent, you are free...and still, you are caged behind the bars of expectation...you can't fly, because there is the web of world's rule book of the right and wrong...

Having expectations hurts....but knowing, you are the one the world and people expect from; is tougher to deal with....like it's easier to blame, than to do....but then, I don't claim to be perfect, I have my shortcomings...so what, life hasn't been perfect to me too...and we all still love life, so I really am not 'Expecting' too much, if I expect people to love me :)

The Question of Love...

I was on a reading spree this weekend...completed three novels over the last two days (one of which was going since a week..and two were started n finished this weekend itself), and yeah, I want to say a lot about them (they were all really good to be honest, and I am just being lazy in doing a review)..and then I had started this fourth one (which would have to wait for another weekend to get over with)...

It's by a new author which has actually amazed me by the first novel I read...after I was on verge of giving up on Indian authors, I found I am not 24 by Sachin Garg, and maybe I will pull myself for a review later, but all in all, he is worth the read...Starting with his second novel, I turned pages to read the beginning of it...a place where the author had tried to give (or rather wonder) his views about love...and it touched a raw place in me...somewhere it seemed that here is a guy as lost as me...and if not lost, as confused...probably I am trying to take credits, but his words seemed kind of the ones that can come from me (and all apologies to the author for trying to compare myself with him)...but for those who know, here are the online 2 pages of the part I am talking about...read it and do let me know if you find any resemblance :D

Have just read a couple of the chapters of the book...but still, I am most amazed by the beginning only...kind of made me think quiet a lot...it's not that different people have different definitions of love, in fact same person has multiple definition of love..I love lots of people...and I love them all in a different way....and then again, my beliefs and feelings regarding love are definitely not what they used to a few years back...

When I change as a person, how can I expect someone to keep loving me the same way even when I change...I know the time when I had been innocent..and I know I can no longer say I am one...I was the one who was childish...and now sometimes I myself feel I am far too serious...how do I expect someone who fell in love with the cute kid, to love the mature, overgrown (and don't you dare say old) me...how can I bring myself to love someone who is no longer the complementary person I looked for...

Yeah, I know...I am uselessly wondering a lot...but then I just went a few years down in the memory...I care for all those who are close to me, who once were close to me...without whom life seemed impossible once...and whom I thought I loved...I still care for them...they are still special...but I don't think I love them...in fact sometimes I wonder if I ever loved them...my definition of love probably has changed...probably 'll continue to change...and probably a forever love is one in which you find a soul mate who changes with you (or rather with whom I can change)...and even while saying this, I doubt it really is possible...

At some point of time in life, all of us 'll compromise...and maybe it's finding a person irresistible enough to compromise for that is love...of I don't know...I maybe never will...but yeah, other than this eternal love on which millions of love stories are written, I know one thing for fact now...the love of family is definitely an unconditional one...they really can forgive almost anything...no matter how bad you are, your parents and siblings have the magic of finding the good in you (or rather the fault of being unable to see your fault)...

PS: I really have no idea why I wrote whatever I wrote...to be honest I am afraid to even look back at it...because I know I might just erase it all...but sometimes (or most often) one should come up with raw, incoherent post...maybe this is just one of them...do check the author's note though...it's way better lined up (would have to be...after all the proof reads and editing ;) ) Hopefully would be back sooner...with something better...

Life Updated with lots of Firsts...

I have been missing in action...and would have continued to miss...lest I had resolved to make a post every week..and that's too tough too keep...but at least the resolution shouldn't break as early as in January itself...so here I am...

Last few days...like about 8-9 days have just gone rolling by...not that I was busy with work (slow n steadily, I am kind of understanding rather realizing that it really doesn't make a difference how much you work...not till you really love what you do, which is actually a very tough thing to happen...at least it's more of a dream in the Indian scenario...and I now realize why I see so many people jumping from one company to another in a year...or even less at times...end of the work story, when I really haven't been working thanks to training or something or the other...)

I actually traveled a little...and then there has been a list of things I did for first time...or after a long long time...

a. witnessed a love story becoming a happily ever after (ab the marriage did happen..after that whatever happens is concluded as a happily every after in story books, so yeah, I am talking of that happily ever after..not the literal one :D but all jokes apart, it was really nice watching two people crazily in love with each (one I can definitely vouch for...for I have seen her crazy sweet acts) actually being tied to each other for life...with all their parent's approvals )...and yeah, I know of another long standing love stories actually meeting their happily ever afters in the last few days...but yeah, I wasn't physically present to witness them and say that I have seen it with my eyes and can vouch for them...

b.went to an amusement park after ages, and I really mean ages...like as in a decade...and there hit the realization that I really have grown up...wasn't all that scared in riding the scariest of rides there...or maybe now I am hard customer to please (I remember, as a kid I loved going to amusement park...and then I would tend to stay away from all d big merry-go-rounds or anything with lots of twists and turns...and there I was, a decade or more later, trying to find one ride which would scare me...sighs....)

c. saw a movie first day first show...that too when the day wasn't Friday but Thursday...and what's more, I actually witnessed a paper shower...right from the time the name of the movie appeared, to the breaking of handi by little 'Vijay', and then the entry of 'Kancha', to the young guy turning up and becoming "Vijay Hrithik Deenanath Chahuan"...I it was fun to see all frills rising in air...all the whistles and hooting...you hardly find such crowd...surprises of all, the movie (which was over 3 hours long) was a good one...it won't let u get bored ever...and yeah it does go overboard as times (remember the typical 90's action movies...single man army, the cry wailing mothers and sisters...and the leading lady with no role to lead with) but it still was a treat to watch...the best part..the movie actually ended with full screen credentials...rather than some pop/item song (would have been beedi chillam in this case) being show and credits rolling by in small tiny part...I so have missed the full screen plain jane titles...

d. shopping (yeah it's not shopped...it's present continuous) shopping like crazy...I so very intelligently call it retail therapy...but damn, shopping is like the best things you can treat yourself with (mind it, yourself, not your account balance)...the shopping spree (henceforth known as retail therapy) started with the very first sale in January, yeah the very first week...and is still going on...I don't even want to calculate how much I have spent...but then, sales come just twice a year...and if you get something for the price, you actually should hoard it...right?? In fact, I am in strong favor of companies paying us double in the month of January and July...it's so much needed...sighs...who says companies are employee friendly...I so desperately need to be in HR :P

e. filled my income tax saving proofs...and damn tough thing it is...as if investing the money for saving the tax isn't bad on you account balance as it is, collecting proofs for the investments and HRA is a big headache in itself...that whole process probably brought tears in my eyes (and don't you for moment thing they were tears of happiness!!), but common guys, we aren't the rich ones...what would the government do by taxing the innocent poor souls...tax should be collected from those who have enough to pay...in fact I know of few intelligent souls who really went on to limit of not investing at all...it's better to pay few thousands than to get into all the hassles and headaches...and I so do agree (hope mom never reads this...she would be doubly sure that her daughter is too lazy, n if left to her, she would throw all money in air ;) )

So, it really isn't my fault (though it can be the reader's good luck) that I have been silent since a while...and I have lots of things churning up to write...how to proceed with them is something I have no idea about...but yeah, there is this one novel I am about to end, and I kind of really liked it...when I was all ready and gearing up to give up on Indian authors, I found one who actually made me think that even Indian authors can bring at least a new angle to the age old love stories (yeah they still can't think much beyond love stories...and before anyone points out, I know of Chanakya's Chants and Immortals of Meluha but still, accept it, most of the Indian novels are all on love, one way or other...), so even if this novel had the love angle, I liked the way it was written...and would soon come out with words on it (at least gives me something to cover for next week ;) )

And then there of course have been my thoughts...not always depressing, in fact mostly thoughtful these days...so I will definitely come up with lots of questions (logical, or illogical as expected from me :D ) and with dher saara gyan to be spread around, no matter if one wishes to hear or not...till then, I will keep it simple and short (and yeah, this is short, very short as per my parameters...)

That's all the updates I have about the days they have been....

The Question of Choices...

It's past 12 in night...a time when my mom n dad would love to see me asleep...probably a time when even I want to b sleeping sound (kind of unbelievable I know...but then I can't help but wish I was asleep...specially since I don't even feel like opening office mails, have nothing interesting to read as of now, nothing to see on television, no one to talk too :( )

But then, this happens to be the time when I am almost always awake...there are happy times when I am waking doing things that interest me...and then there are the not so happy times, when I am wondering about things...night happens to go progressively down when you have quiet a lot on your mind...I do have loads tonight...

There are choices we make, and having the freedom to make choices, in my personal opinion, has always been a bane rather than boon...every so often I feel I made the wrong one...n no matter what I do, I no longer can turn the time back and make a different choice...one can just imagine how tough it is for me, to make a choice now...I need someone to help me make a few choices...but then again, I don't know whom to choose to help me out :P

As kids we dream a lot...as we grow, we understand the reality...there are the determined us, who face the reality and still strive to make the dreams come true...then there are those who accept the reality and adjust, rather compromise to live with it...probably I am thinking unnecessarily...time isn't running out, but who knows if it is...I don't know if I should hold on to my dream...or make a compromise with what life is offering me...because holding on to the dream is a risk...I never know if I'll ever be able to make it in reality...sometimes being stubborn n pursuing a dream costs a lot...compromising can lead to a stable future..stable, but not the kind my dreams are made up of...would I really be happy living that life...

Too cryptic, I know...but I don't know how to really put down all I feel and all that's going in my mind in word (so I really shouldn't expect someone to be able to help me out with the choice part)...

But what would you do, chase a dream, which might never actually turn true...and leave what reality is offering you....or would you rather choose the reality, live with what life is openly offering you, and give up your dream? Which is the choice you can live with....

Night Dreaming...A novel, by me...

I have been hearing about Monday Morning Blues like since forever...but in all honesty, you never really understand something, until you experience it...so yeah, since last few months now...Friday mornings are the ones I welcome with open arms...Saturday mornings are sweet...Sunday mornings are a li'l dreadful...but Monday, the lesser said the better :D

Last year I had thought I will make sure to put a post every month...and now looking at the blog-roll, I know I missed a couple of months...but not bad for starters...I mean anything you decide for a new year, kind of backfires anyways...this time, hadn't thought of anything...but now I feel like hoping (praying, believing, whatever) to come up with a post every week...it's too tough for me, I know...for I rarely find any topic to write...but still, let's see how long I can continue with it (and I am not too optimistic about being successful :| )

How has the first week of the new year been...honestly, not bad...not till now in any case ;) Completed a few novels...definitely found nothing much to review about them (though maybe one day when I really don't find anything to write about, I will go back to review a couple of them)...other than that, one thing, I have realized is, I actually do really want to pen down one...it's tough...damn too tough...specially given the fact that I have such short attention span...but damn...every time I go to flipkart, and see yet another engineering or management student coming out with a novel, I feel like I am outgrowing my age to come with one...sighs..

And I was worst hit, when I found a book written by a guy in his 12th standard...still wondering as to how people find a publisher (then I will thing who buys the books...I haven't yet bought the 12th standard kid's book after all...) But all in all, with nothing to do on weekend (except sleeping, and killing time...and if not these two, then jeopardizing the bank balance by shopping :( ) I was just wondering, is it easier to write fiction, or is it more convenient to write a book based on your life...kind of had a whole list of pro's and con's drawn in my mind...

Pros of a personal life incident, you don't really have to research much...after all, you have lived through that phase, who knows the facts better than you....you just can't go wrong, historically, geographically...or even emotionally....and when writing about something related to you, it's far more easier to feel it...to actually describe it in a believable manner, because well...it really had happened, and what has happened, can always happen again...with you, or someone else next time...

Cons...well, the biggest con of writing about something personal is making yourself vulnerable...I am kind of a crazy person...I won't talk much...I like to keep withing myself...but once I talk, I kind of find it hard to hold back...so yeah, I often end up telling people close to me all about me..and even that scare me at times...trusting someone is a li'l hard...but once you trust someone, believing your trust won't be broken is kind a li'l more hard...and when it's tough to believe that the ones who know me inside out won't judge me because they know the real me, it's tougher to imagine exposing yourself to whoever buys a bucks...it kinds of need bravery to let people who can spend a few buck know about a personal part of you...a life you lived, loved or hated...liked or detested...

Me being me, would have definitely thought more about cons you see (yeah, I am not called a borderline pessimist without any reason ;) ) Every so often in life we do things and kind of regret doing them sooner or later...how do I ensure that exposing a part of me won't lead to any regret...phew!! 

See now, that's one reason, I haven't even begun writing a word down for my dream novel...I still am not sure whose story it really would be...all I know is, I believe my life is interesting enough to be put down in words, in a story (yup, that's the 'khushfahmi mein ji raha Me part' ;) ) but at the same time, I don't know if I really want to let a lot of people (okie even a few hundred are a lot) know about me...rather to think of it, I wonder if I would really like the me that would come down on paper while writing a journey through life...

So yeah, those plans are still on hold...I'm still busy weighing down the pros and cons...the two sides of Gemini are busy fighting, arguing and holding down the judgement...and I should hold back on a never ending post, once again all about 'ME'...that's how egocentric and self absorbing I can be...but then it's better to be lost in Me...rather than to deal with the one you can't forget, no matter how hard you try..."Monday Morning Blues" 

PS: I'll definitely try to be back with something better by next week...well but gear up for a lot of such no sense, no logic, simply blabbering post...after all I have to come with 52 new ones this year :P

Her Terrain of Thoughts...

Every so often she wonders, is she the odd one out...is the life of everyone as simple and yet as complicated as hers...a thought always wandered, was she living the life she preferred to live, or she was living a life she was expected to live...

For few life is a one time opportunity, to be exploited to the hilt...for few one time is too many, for her...she never knew...she loved it at one moment, she detested it the next...there was fun in seeing two sides of the coin..but that was a scary part too...only those who live in extreme of two emotions can understand what living in two parallel world is like...she was her best friend, and she was her worst enemy as well....

To wish for something, rather someone, and have that person, is the best present one can have...or she thought...but then stability never stayed forever, she knew...it just is a matter of chance and luck...which side you are on...the one who stays back...or the one who moves ahead...it's a game one plays life long..no matter what you are made to believe, it's a fact of life she realized...no two person can love each other, value each other in equal proportion...and you need not be lovers to fit in the equation, it holds true for all relations...be it siblings or parents or friends...there always is one giver and one taker...and in the end, it was her choice; which side she wanted to be in each case...

And choices are kind of ironical power bestowed on you...no matter what choices you make, there would always come a time when you would regret not choosing the other option you had...she had those regrets too..but how can she forget the happiness she had felt when she had made the choices she did...it was once again her choice, to cry over things that happened, or smile over all what she went through...for one thing she was sure, no matter how her life looked to an outsider, once she really gave an account of the real life she had lived, no one would be able to say she had lived a boring life...the only thing, she wasn't sure of, was...whether she wanted to share her life completely with someone...

Maybe she was too greedy for it....there is not much you can preserve from the world...you can't confine someone, you can never be sure that there exists a secret between two people...for things to be secret they have to remain within you...and the only thing she could keep away from everyone was a part of herself...it was only her she can truly have the satisfaction of knowing better than anyone else...or maybe she wanted someone to peel layers after layers of her...she was looking for someone who would take the pain and make the effort of knowing her, treasuring her, hating her...but all the same loving her, like she did...looking, not waiting...because over the time she had realized, waiting has been highly over-rated...you never know it, until you take chances...

PS: Just one of those moments, when I just need to write...a 15 minute break and self indulgence...maybe the after effects of a novel read...maybe I got lost in the 'She', 'He' and 'They' I once had created and never made a headway with...just had to get these thoughts on paper...or keypad in this case :)

A Penny on Happiness...

There are few words in life, and defining those words, takes an entire life...and most ironical of all this is, life itself happens to be one such word..love and happiness are few others...and since love is so talked and discussed about, come a less debated one...happiness..

I read a novel by Jodi Picoult a couple of months back...never bothered writing about it, because it happens to be a novel with an open end..you just won't know what to do with it..it grips you strong and then leaves you wandering for answers...like with most of Picoult's work, this one forces you take one side, the only catch being there is never a completely right or wrong side...

Anyways, it so happens that the dad of the main character in the novel happens to be an economist...and he has theorems and equations for a lot of intangibles..and maybe that's where economics gets an edge over maths and physics...it's easy to play with figures are reach out to a definite conclusion, but how does one ever reach to the conclusion for an emotion..how do you define a rule for something, which by virtue of it is random...

There is a particular line (out of quiet a few) in that novel that caught my fancy, "A mathematical formula for happiness:Reality divided by Expectations.There were two ways to be happy:improve your reality or lower your expectations."

It looks so simple...only if it truly was...for ir does give the formula, the underlying equation and it still doesn't tell you how to really achieve either of the two ways...if only improving the reality or lowering the expectation was even half as easy as it is to ask someone to do it...

Do we really start expecting more over the years...I really am baffled by the question...if I remember correctly (even with my failing presence of mind...) nothing much has changed in what I wanted as a 16 year old till date (yeah a gal is always stuck at sweet 16 :D ) Maybe what has changed is that slowly the reality sinks in...the reality that what looked easy enough to achieve once, slowly became possible to achieve if really dedicated, to its tough to get it but then dreams are always tough to achieve, to finally the inevitable end of, we see dreams because they are a good way to escape reality and dream rarely do come true...

The reality also probably never changes...it just sinks in more deep...or takes a new face...no one really knows which way it goes..

And yeah, though I accept that I am lil high on the cribbing scale, sometimes I really do wonder, how many of us, the people of our age, our times...are really happy...am I the odd one out, or is it normal to spend days in search of one true happy moment..A long lasting satisfaction and peace, now looks like a distant dream...there are miles before it happens, there are miles before I 'll b contend...

June it was...July it is....

It has been a long time...since I spoke up...naah...since I have cribbed...over the blog at least...I mean, come on! about a month or so since I showed myself up...and now I'm worried...is this what JOB does to you?? People ask me if I liked Hyderabad...and I am like...oh, isn't it too soon to say...haven't been here for long...if one weekend went in looking out for home (which I sadly never found) another went in shifting places (service apartment came forward to save me!!)...then there was a weekend I spent sleeping around..and another was claimed by the first gal in our gang getting married....and well this weekend, I need an excuse for not exploring this weekend...well, simple...I was busy thinking and plannin for my blog (as if I've ever thought or planned before writing whatever I've wrote till date :P )

A couple of days back a mail dropped in my official inbox (it receives almost 10 mails a day, and I frankly detest opening any of them...why is the frequency of mails in my regular inbox that high...it at least gets the mails I would like to read...) and it was a survey (my company actually believes very strongly in feedback...for every lil thing we do, we insist on feedback...pity, we aren't true in answering most....) and it made me realize that it's a month since I've been working (trust me, the payslip does a better job of reminding you that  you are through with one month...how I wish, salary came in every 15 days...it gives you something to b happy about for a week or at least 2 days :-/ )

So it's a month of working...of staying in the southern region of the country (which i successfully had evaded for 23 yrs of my life :-| ), a month of giving up my sweet schedule of sleeping post 3 (now I find it hard to keep my eyes open past 2 even on weekends X( ), it has been 5 weeks when I've counted the 5 days of the week to pass on quickly (which they never do ) and prayed hard for Sunday night never to come (which always does..who says God hears you always n grants you things you truly wish for... :-S )

And the month....well it was a month of roller coasters (a perfect Gemini Month)...from the absolute highs to the lowest lows...seems like I've been through it all...I found, I lost...and I found to lose again...somewhere the  work is supposed to bring stability in your life, but my search for the same continues...I am supposed to b busy working but still in between all those training n looking at the watch for it to strike six, I happen to find time to think...and thinking, frankly is very dangerous to the peace of mind :) Thankfully June is over...and here is July...the month of Cancers (honestly, I don't have much of an idea about Cancerians...but they have to b simpler than the complex lives of Geminis....) All in all, everything has changed in professional (or rather say impersonal) life...and I've my fingers crossed for the personal one...I need some fresh breeze in there...and well, "Isharon ko agar samjho....Raaz ko Raaz rehne do!!"

This is all the mindless rambling I'll make people suffer for the moment....and well hoping to be back here, sooner...than last time....Have a happy peaceful time!!!

PS: I just got a message saying this July has 5 weekends in it...which makes it have just 20 odd working days...I was about to get happy, but then I realized that I've worked for just one day till now n already used up one weekend...moreover, I've to finally move out from training rooms n hit the workfloor in a while...Who says happiness lasts forever!!!

PPS: Well as in the pic...I'm still waiting for a Miracle...let's see if it happens in July :D and well...now moving ahead to read the info about the link (story) mentioned in the pic..in case you've lots of spare time here it goes...just click in once, n maybe I won't b sued for copyright infringement!!! Link: The Miracle in July

Of Courage, Challenge & Checklist...

Yeah, haven't read any novel in the last 24 hours...just didn't feel like it (guess I've had an overdose of them n there would b nothing like completing 14 novels before being sucked in by the job!!) Actually I did read one page and back cover of a lot many novels, nothing really interested me at the moment (and definitely no more of teenage novel for a while, someone reminded me that I'm more like a grandma :D oh no, I should be sad about this one :( )

But while looking out for books (not for reading myself, but finding out few books which can work out as gifts..no luck yet, I would be grateful if someone actually can suggest me the absolutely giftable books :-? )I had a lil brush up with GoodReads (just for the review, which I never seek out for myself but need to while thinking about gifts..) and somewhere on it's homepage was a lil tiny miny link called Challenge...it was a target you had to challenge yourself...number of books you are planning to read...and though I felt like putting something like 50 out there, I stopped myself...common, taking a challenge needs a lot of courage...it's like making yourself susceptible to failing...and that's an absolute no no...at least for an adult (one more point why I should be sad about being called a granny X( )

Just makes me wonder, how n when did it happen...I remember a time when I used to be so vocal...I want to be so n so..I want to have this n that...I plan on becoming this...this is definitely going to happen in my future..back when I was a kid (don't you dare say it was centuries ago :-s ) I remember very openly telling everyone that I plan to marry my dad (thanks Ma...for letting me live ;) )...then there was the plan of becoming a doctor (just to clear, I was scared of blood even then, but damn, the docs look so smart!!), then there were plans to make movies...so much..and never did I once shy from telling it out in the public..then why is it that today, I hardly ever speak out about my dreams, fantasies...none of the ones I spoke of ages back succeeded but I still don't feel like a failure for them...but today, I am scared of confiding my plans to even myself, because I don't want to turn out to be a failure...I don't want people talking about me, saying "Hey!! Look at her...she planned on being so n so...she wanted to achieve this n that...and where she ended up!! " :-s :-s :-s 

That's one big peril of growing up...As you grow there is so much little you say (and dare anyone roll their eyes n wonder if this is what my little is, what my lot would be like...you are not even allowed to have any such thoughts...that's a complete me zone :D :D :D ) Growing up is supposed to make you stronger, and doesn't being stronger means having more courage...and if you are courageous, why be afraid of failures...( I know velle logon ko bahut velle khayal aate hain...bear them for another 10 days :P ) and with these thoughts, I thought (yup, again don't roll your eyes, I definitely can think X( ) why not try and show a lil courage and once again speak of few dreams out in open (phew...really courageous when you know that you very intelligently have let your family know of your blogs...doubly intelligent when you realize that every time they read a blog of yours they might be trying to find deep hidden meanings and never tell you what they found :-/ )

Anyways, I rarely do think of good things...and this idea looks good enough (and looks can be deceptive :| ) So before I change my thoughts, I better get going n put up a little checklist (of things I want to achieve or things I want in my future) and again, with time people change, their choices change..everything changes, so can the list (even if because of circumstances and not just because my mood changed..) But at present, here goes the list (and you are lucky that I am getting down to the list after just about 2 pages of random talking ;) ) They are some big big wishes, some crazy ones, some sweet and well, some devilish....

a. I want to own a Mac (and mind you, I said own, so it doesn't necessarily mean that I have to buy it... you can go ahead, gift it to me, and make my wish come true :D )

2. I want to pen down a book (can't be anything other than fictional novel, and even if it's about real people, you know me being as intelligent as I am, am going to call it fiction only!! ) and, very important and, that novel needs to get published...again an and, needs to sell at least like a 4 digit copy (main jyada nahi chahti :P :P )

c. I feel like, one day; I want have a doctorate... I mean common, I gave up my chance of being a doctor ( I seriously did it for the betterment of the society...imagine you being in an accident, have a tiny lil cut on ur finger...and you go to a doctor to get that checked...she looks at the cut, sees blood coming out of it...n behold...she faints...you won't like to call an ambulance to get the doc admitted rather than having your cut healed...would you??) the only other way I can have anything related to the doctorate thing is by doing a PhD..and though I have had too much of studies to be able to tolerate it anymore, I guess for some dreams, you got to toil...let's see if I ever am able to get a doctorate (this is one wish that can really really change any day :P )

4. I dream of experiencing a candle light dinner followed by a walk in the beach...I mean there definitely must be something great in it...why else would every movie (and now even every Ekta Kapoor, Rajan Shahi or any XYZ's serial) have it...kuch toh feel good factor hoga and I need to experience it...but then first thing first, for having any such thing, you need to have a person with whom you can have such thing...guess I should close down FB and GT rather start logging on to better places (being the sweet innocent soul I am...how am I to know any such better places...you can always suggest few ;)) )

e. I want my family to stay together...united..minus the tu-tu main-main (mmm..visualize something like Sasural Genda Phool!!) And well, I kind of always have been in a nuclear family...add to that, even after having two siblings, I somehow ended up being the only daughter ( di n bhaiya,  you have been pretty useless as far as being present for sibling rivalry and sharing is concerned...and I'm ready to forgive you guys just because you both have been great in giving me gifts (being an Indian bribery works for me...and I'm back to bracket ke ander bracket yay!!) ) So I just want to experience my family as the big joint family for at least a while...like a month or so (common we don't even have a family photograph with every family member in it, n it's not my mistake if a new one comes every second year :P )

6. I want a lifetime free supply of ChocoLava (or at least someone please ban it's rate hike!!) I've recently realized that I can even forgo the cheeseburst, but I absolutely, critically, necessarily can't resist ChocoLava (and my dear Dominoes, better remove the condition of a pizza must for home delivery...Chocolava alone should qualify as an order X( )

g. I want to have a successful career (duh!! so dumb...everyone wants that na!!) but it's like I've some big dreams (so big that I tend to keep on waking at night...aise bhayanak sapne ni dekhne chahiye :| ) Being the youngest of the lot, makes it kind of obvious, that you don't just have to be good...you kind of need to be better ( I know my parents believe that I've done very well...which to be honest I haven't..but well being the youngest they give me a lil partial treatment...and my siblings are more like my parents so there isn't anything like competition....but there are a plenty of role models for me between my parents and siblings)...I have either listened or seen the ones close to me have a very moderate start and making it to where they are today (which is nothing like having their names in headlines but they all r really well settled and at good places) and I don't want to be any different...

viii. (was bored of even two ways of numbering the list, so tried the third :D :D ) I want a happily ever after...and this one is for those who dared call me a granny...I'm still the chotu sa baccha who loves fairy tales...life I know is full of ups n downs (have had more than what I wanted..but well, that's how life is :-s ) and I'm fine with it (things you can't change are things you accept) but somewhere down the line, I want to see myself settled...with no major worries or uncertainty in life...having the answers to all the major challenges of life :)

nau. I want to have a blemish-free love story...and I am very compromising gal....I am ready for a love story even after marriage (of course with the guy I marry...don't you start having some wrong ideas :P ) but I'm just being realistic...24 yrs old, single, with a big list of eligibility criterion...it's tough finding a guy who would dare enough to have a love story with me...that too an everlasting...so I'm ready to let my parents capture a scapegoat, but he better works towards fulfilling this ambition of mine ;)

decade. Last but not the least...I'm not a very courageous person...so this one would be a coded wish...there is something, beyond this list which means a lot to me at present...somewhere a part of me is giving up on it...somethings are just not meant to be you know...but then there is a part of me which would hold on till it can...I just hope the latter part wins...and I wish I have what it takes to stand for it...to believe in it..and to be true in my efforts for it...

Now that was some list (crazy one I know...but that's exactly who I deep inside am...) Aur fir, kisi cheez ko bahut shiddat se maango, toh poori kayanat use dilane mein aapka saath deti hai na....taking law of nature and probability into account...at least 50% of the wishes should come true...and you guys being a part of kayanat  can always gear in n help making the wishes turn true!!

Filhaal at 3 in night...I so wish that the Gurgaon Electricity Board stops playing with me and turn the power on!!! (I need a 5 minute of modem on to post this blog and well, sign off all my account...so that when Pa logs in the morning, he doesn't sees all my accounts open n wishes to have a saner n more sensible daughter :P )

Post-Script: Gurgaon being Gurgaon...the light never showed up...not before ma was up and busy playing Freecell...sighs...so it's another 6-7 hours before tha public gets my torture :D :D :D

Animation and Me ;)

Pre-Script: This post, in a way, proves how good of an aunt I am for my niece n nephews. It also clearly showcases me as a lead supporter of piracy as far as animation movies are concerned, again it 'll also let the readers (poor souls :( ) know that I still have a kid alive in me (yeah I know shocking, if anyone has fainted reading this, I sincerely request the person sitting beside them to sprinkle some water, because well I know I've the perfect serious gal image :P and I work hard to keep it intact, but we all have our weak points) but the motive of post in none of those cited above....to know the mystery; please read on :D

I kind of have this habit of stocking all the animation movies with me whenever I find them (or rather whenever I feel I'm wasting my internet's bandwidth by not utilizing it and keeping the torrent inactive :D ) Initially this habit of stocking the cartoon movies was on the pretext of doing so for my adorable nieces...like a sweet, responsible, loving, caring and completely devoted Aunt, I made sure to have at least a dozen or so movie ready in hand before the angels (read devils in disguise ;)) ) came for a trip to India....and then came those times when I was out of stock to watch anything (these are the days before I got absorbed by a number of series) and hence, I started watching the animation movies myself....

I remember watching a couple of Tom n Jerry movies while I was a kid...and yeah, Bug's Bunny too...but more often than not, what I caught up with in name of animation was episodic like TaleSpin, Mickey Mouse, The lil mermaid, Ducktales n so on.... not really a full length movie kind of thing....and hence, in the name n duty of being a "Maasi" I ventured in the world of movies without real people for the first time...

Since then, there have been lots of animation movies I have watched (again being a responsible Aunt you see, I need to watch the movies and make sure they are suitable for my niece...can't let them b badly influence, I'm more than enough of a kind in the family ;) )

But the last two movies I have caught, have actually made me question....question if something is wrong with me, or are the animation movies getting more serious than the usual adult movies....I for one am not a big time movies buff...I do see movies once in a while, but it's tough for me to see a movie with complete dedication...and I generally don't tend to flow out in emotions while watching movies...In fact I remember how we had a school premier of Kal Ho Na Ho, and the gals with me started crying since before the intermission till the end of the movie, and I was rolling my eyes, as to what on earth is wrong with these gals!!! I really have no business in crying while watching a movie, in general....

The only time I remember myself crying in a movie was during the Hum Aapke Hain Kaun show...and I was barely 7 or so that time....couldn't help crying when one of my fav person on screen was dying...I absolutely adored Renuka Shahne back then, and so it got a lil too sad for me...but over the years I rarely have cried...one movie which I love till date n still makes me cry has been "My Sister's Keeper" and I know how badly I'm recommending the movie to everyone around me (though bad guys these people are...they just don't watch it!!! X( )

But I'm afraid of my state of my mind now....the last two animation movies I've seen have left me in tears :( "Tangled" and "Despicable Me"....recently saw them n somewhere towards the end of both the movies I found my eyes wet....and this is grossly unacceptable... (I'm sure my niece n nephew never 'll actually even shed a tear in the movie) and there I was, feeling all what not for the lifeless in reality characters...not loving this shift in my emotional stability even one bit :(

Anyways, as for the movies, both of them are awesome, n must watch...specially Tangled...it's a visual treat and I doubt if there is anyone who can resist loving our very sweet Maximus....Despicable Me is a delight in itself thanks to the three girls, but still a lil faded in front of Tangled...but then comparing the two movies is like comparing two entirely different entity...must watch movies for any age group (and if any of you cries watching either of them, please let me know...it would be a solace to know I'm not the lonely miserable hopeless soul to do the same :-? )....and as for me...I'll keep wondering if the movies really were that amazing, or I finally actually have lost my nuts n bolts to cry for a animation movie :)

Post-Script: I'm a lil more at peace...happy with the fact that I didn't cry watching "A Bug's Life" :D :D :D Party time!!!! But then, the movie lost it's pace around the first 20 to 40 min....only to pick it again after an hour, but it was a lil too late...nice one for kids, I doubt how much buddhi's like me would prefer it though (specially in the absence of any absolutely heart stealing character...the lil ant princess named Dot tries to do the same, but isn't all that effective given the lil screen time she has had :| ) ...Anyways, I'm hopeful my season of crying while watching cartoons is over, but I'm going to test it again soon, with "Gnomeo and Juliet"..."ll keep you guy's updated, even if you don't want to be :D

Post-Post Script: The blog, of nothing else, gave me a nice excuse to play with pictures and create collage :D :D :D ....Here goes the creation ;)) (do pass me the compliments for the pathetic job done :P ) [As it is, this blog is a pure testimony to how useless n workless I am these days....laziness at its epitome...YayyyY!!!!! ]

Stranger In The Mirror : Not the Review

And I had to write this post 3 days back...but then, life came to a full circle...I remember my firs few days in MBA...same looks like the end...had an unending project report to deal with....n well the last presentation of the course actually reminded and made me go through all what I had in the very first presentation almost 18 months back...life doesn't change much, isn't it :)

So, "Stranger in the Mirror", a novel read by me ages back...has nothing to do with this post...

Nor as one of my friend thought (after reading my status message on FB around 4 days back), is it related to the horror/thriller movie Mirrors (again saw it over 2 years back)...

But this one was a personal reflection, which I prefer to believe holds true for everyone (ab I can't say I'm different in each n every aspect, one shouldn't be that abnormal too after all :P ) "If we look close enough in the mirror, we often find the biggest stranger in our life..." or something like that was the status message I had on Facebook...a quick way to put your thoughts across the world, and definitely better than Twitter (of course, isn't it obvious that I'll choose FB over Twitter...to a gal with never ending blogs, 420 words over 160 chars, the choice is simple enough for even a kid to make!!!)

Just had a thought....we all spend our lives in judging people (yes, I honestly do, n be honest, so do you...) we appreciate them, critique them...find their shortcomings or their strong points (and again lets be honest...from the finding the positive n negative in other, which part do v most often unearth??) We (or rather I'll shift back to I), I definitely can writes essays about the characters, habits and traits of at least a couple of dozens of people...it's just so simple...and I'm so stringent in my belief, so sure that what I think of that person, is how that person really is...and well, no one can change that opinion, but I myself...but why would I (it's tough to accept you are wrong, even if it's something you have to confess to yourself n not the world :-| )

But then, how often do we think of ourselves...how often do we actually measure ourselves on the same parameters, look out for same behavior n characteristics, as we assess in those around us....do we really know ourselves, what we truly are?? Truth be told, I at least don't!!!

Today, if I confess, I probably am the person I know about least....other's can call me predictable, but to think of, I don't know who I've turned out to be, someone I would have appreciated as an on-looker (like I appreciate few people around me..) or someone I would have found full of errors and condemned....is there any way, I can be as true at self-assessment as I am while assessing others???

Till date, I actually have tried making sure that I don't end up doing the very same things, which I don't like seeing other's do...which I raise an issue, complain or even crib behind their backs (yup, that a shortcoming, and being a gal, it's not surprising; but well I do talk about people, I do end up picking their wrongs...and I am not apologetic...because somewhere I know, the majority of us do that...and well, I don't think it's wrong too...it's a part of being in the society.... ;)) Nice excuse...right?? )

Anyways, to cut the long story short, I liked the novel "Stranger in the Mirror", the movie "Mirrors" was good enough to keep me glued till end (I've a bad habit of leaving movies half watched!!! ) but what fascinates me, is the person that reflects back while I look in the mirror....for that's one person I know the least about......