The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes by Diane Chamberlain

First things first, I am a new fan of Diane Chamberlain...if I liked 'Keeper's of Light', I loved 'The Midwife's Confession', and I for sure am infatuated with 'The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes', and mind you, to me infatuation is stronger and more forceful than love...after all, love expects a little love in return...infatuation knows no logic, and doesn't even dreams of being reciprocated :D (okie that was some uncalled for philosophy...but that was just so me :) )

The first two novels that I read by Chamberlain, dealt with people who had already died...they were about how after the death of someone so close to us we realize that we never the person who died...while it is gripping to know the truths of a person who no longer exists, it is more grappling to read how a very much living person confronts the secrets they have hid and concealed in their heart for years...how do you really come out in open and confess to the truth which can ruin the entire life you had built in years...

As said, in the earlier post just a while back, teenage is the time, when you are expected to do everything wrong...it is so very easy to succumb to all the temptations...hold on to things that really seem right (though hardly are)...it's an age when you are old enough to hate taking someone's advice..and still young enough to make wrong choices..and so very often we do make the wrong choices...I am sure almost all of us have some secret relating to the teenage which we can't confide in anyone...something we did that's impossible for us to tell the world...it's just that most often, we do things which really don't change the course of our lives, just make us feel guilty...but then, there are few unlucky ones, who end up doing something which makes them change the course of their lives...so much so, that they have to become a new person to carry out with life...

Some choices made at teenage, changes who we are as a person...erases our identity, and forces us to take a new one...something similar happened to CeeCee...it was a book of hopes...hopes in the first part, because it showed even after doing the worst kind of mistake one possibly could, life gives you a second chance to make it all right...that you really can have new beginnings and a happy future...for CeeCee had one...

But can we really change identities and have a happily ever after...true that no one in this world other than us knows who we really are...but at least we do know...and can you yourself kill the person you were...sooner or later, to live and thrive in your own eyes, it's time to go back to who you were...accept the repercussions of your actions..it's easy to ignore what other think of you, but it's tough to fight the demons within you...so CeeCee reveals herself after a decades...

I kind of liked almost all the characters in the book...they were believable and not overboard...a perfect blend of grey...in fact the only character going on the 'it can't be true' side was the character of Cory...she did get a lil unbearable...and I really could never understand how pampering can really hamper someone's growth like it did to her...but then again, even her character makes you realize that generally it's just in happy times that the people we love become strangers...in times of tragedy and need, the estranged ones come back...and maybe that's the beauty of love...one might forget your love during the happy times when all is well...but those you truly loved would sure be there for you when things take a downturn...and maybe that's why life needs a blend of both good n bad times...good to have fun and enjoy the ride...bad to get the ones we lost in happy days back to us again (philosophy fir se...I know)

I am definitely smitten by the way she writes...attracted to the twists and turns she brings around...Diane has turned out to be an author with aces her sleeves...and she definitely can make the simplest of lives a perfect story to engross you for hours to come...

My personal ratings..4 and that one point is lost all thanks to Cory...Dru was so much more likable than her, honestly...all in all, it's a must read...and now I will go back to find the fourth novel of Chamberlain...after all, I need to know what's greater than infatuation ;)

I'm not twenty four...I've been nineteen for five years....So very TRUE

Of course, I am not 24, just been 19 for 5 yrs...and coming June, I won't be 25, just 19 for 6 yrs...though yeah,while picking the book, I was wondering, why 19 and not 16..aren't girls supposed to stick to sweet sixteen..but then to think of, nineteen is the last of teen..and teenage is probably the age where you can even kill someone and come out innocent because, "Oh! but she was just a teenager...we all know how confused and terrible teenage is...one can never be sure of what they feel and do at that age..."

So yeah, when a murder is excusable, a wrong turn or two in love life are definitely forgiven (and forgotten too!!) Now that's one reason, I am going to be a teen till I end up marrying (or who knows even after that...after all who said I will stop making errors once married...seven rounds around the fire doesn't result in instant wisdom, right?? )

Anyways, even after being the self obsessed person that I so often am, I should probably come to this book,  'I'm not twenty four...I've been nineteen for five years by Sachin Garg'...The background of how this book reached my hands...of late to kill time, I have started ordering books online (now I can't always be in front of laptop, and then it's very tough to find e-books of Indian authors...and then again, when Flipkart offers you book within 100 bucks, you really shouldn't waste efforts finding an e-version)...And after reading the new books from two renowned and pretty hyped Indian authors (I probably shouldn't name them because I am bickering and not praising them, but common, just because your first novel was best-seller, you can't give everyone a crap to read every next time!!), I was giving up on Indian authors...but then thankfully, I had to order a home appliance, and in the whim of the moment, I ended up ordering both the released books of Sachin Garg (now seems like I had confidence on this guy...after all I didn't try and test, but ordered all that was available :D )

Starting with the book, well the best and the unique part was the book being written from the girl's POV..If I end up writing anything from a girl's perspective, it's understandable, but a guy actually doing it..."WOW" specially because we all know, 'Guys never can understand Gals'...and I won't say Sachin actually does, but let's say, he has done it better than most guys would...and that in itself deserves an applause...the tone of the book was a lot fun...I don't think there was much place for sad or vulnerable emotions here...even when at places it got a little emotional, it was quickly moved ahead...ahead enough that you won't really feel the pain related to the accident...and somehow I prefer it that ways (there is too much to worry and cry about in real life in any case :| )

I won't say that the book was perfect, like I said...it was a fun read...pages passed by...what I liked the most was, the story moved on...things happen, life gives crap...we do have the right to feel low, but we owe it to us and those who care to keep moving...so thankfully no character was crying or ruing over something lost...there was no exaggeration...all believable, other than the idea of someone spending a life in the welfare of others, that too after forgoing all the riches and a perfect career life could have offered..honestly, I am yet to find such people...but well, one can always hope (and in case one does know, please tell me a way to reach out to those people...sometimes, ok a lot many times, even I am inclined to do that...not in all goodie goodie selfless way, but in the way of I want to get rid of my job and do something which can make a difference so that I feel good types ;) )

Honestly, I don't know why I liked the book enough to have told everyone around me in last couple of days to try n read this author...because I frankly wasn't left in tears (and yeah it happens as much reading a novel, as it happens while watching a movie...n u know I am someone who can shed a tear or two...or tens even in animated movies...sighs), I wasn't even left deep in thoughts (my thoughts were provoked by the beginning of the author's second novel :P )...it in fact had an open ending (and I so detest open endings...it leaves you a lot to imagine, and then it of course forces you to buy the sequel whenever it comes...marketing gimmick!! )but then I still liked the book....maybe for it's simplicity...maybe since it tried something new (love stories aren't new, but writing from gal's perspective is new in India...and then of course sending a gal to a remote corner, even if for a kind of HR job is pretty new as well...) 

And then, of course, this was a book I could relate to...at least as far as the title goes...but since it's not perfect, what more can I ask for...well, it would have been great to have a little background and past perspective of the character...only Shubho had his past revealed...rest were the way they were, no reasons given...and maybe that's one thing I appreciate the foreign authors for...the attention to details is something I find only from the authors of west...and maybe that's the reason none of their novels are less than 400-500 odd pages whereas we hardly find novels over 200-250 pages in India...

All in all, a pretty decent attempt, in fact a more than decent attempt...the book delivers what it promises...a good couple of hours read...of life which you can identify with in bit and parts...and best of all, this one won't make you think...and definitely leave you with at least a couple of smiles at places....

My ratings: 3.5 (oh I gave 4 on Goodreads..in fact I even rescued the book on Goodreads (now that's a long story about whole rescuing thing), but the only reason is, I like getting into the skin of the character and have inside out on their lives...which I couldn't in this case...and of course the open ending...) And yeah, I forgot, I loved the cover image of the book (how can I not with my craze for high heels...and the best part, the author sure gives the story behind the image...true or not is for readers to decide :) )

PS: After all my non stop talks, in case one does reach this point, please do suggest me a few other Indian reads that I can order from Flipkart...

The Question of Love...

I was on a reading spree this weekend...completed three novels over the last two days (one of which was going since a week..and two were started n finished this weekend itself), and yeah, I want to say a lot about them (they were all really good to be honest, and I am just being lazy in doing a review)..and then I had started this fourth one (which would have to wait for another weekend to get over with)...

It's by a new author which has actually amazed me by the first novel I read...after I was on verge of giving up on Indian authors, I found I am not 24 by Sachin Garg, and maybe I will pull myself for a review later, but all in all, he is worth the read...Starting with his second novel, I turned pages to read the beginning of it...a place where the author had tried to give (or rather wonder) his views about love...and it touched a raw place in me...somewhere it seemed that here is a guy as lost as me...and if not lost, as confused...probably I am trying to take credits, but his words seemed kind of the ones that can come from me (and all apologies to the author for trying to compare myself with him)...but for those who know, here are the online 2 pages of the part I am talking about...read it and do let me know if you find any resemblance :D

Have just read a couple of the chapters of the book...but still, I am most amazed by the beginning only...kind of made me think quiet a lot...it's not that different people have different definitions of love, in fact same person has multiple definition of love..I love lots of people...and I love them all in a different way....and then again, my beliefs and feelings regarding love are definitely not what they used to a few years back...

When I change as a person, how can I expect someone to keep loving me the same way even when I change...I know the time when I had been innocent..and I know I can no longer say I am one...I was the one who was childish...and now sometimes I myself feel I am far too serious...how do I expect someone who fell in love with the cute kid, to love the mature, overgrown (and don't you dare say old) me...how can I bring myself to love someone who is no longer the complementary person I looked for...

Yeah, I know...I am uselessly wondering a lot...but then I just went a few years down in the memory...I care for all those who are close to me, who once were close to me...without whom life seemed impossible once...and whom I thought I loved...I still care for them...they are still special...but I don't think I love them...in fact sometimes I wonder if I ever loved them...my definition of love probably has changed...probably 'll continue to change...and probably a forever love is one in which you find a soul mate who changes with you (or rather with whom I can change)...and even while saying this, I doubt it really is possible...

At some point of time in life, all of us 'll compromise...and maybe it's finding a person irresistible enough to compromise for that is love...of I don't know...I maybe never will...but yeah, other than this eternal love on which millions of love stories are written, I know one thing for fact now...the love of family is definitely an unconditional one...they really can forgive almost anything...no matter how bad you are, your parents and siblings have the magic of finding the good in you (or rather the fault of being unable to see your fault)...

PS: I really have no idea why I wrote whatever I wrote...to be honest I am afraid to even look back at it...because I know I might just erase it all...but sometimes (or most often) one should come up with raw, incoherent post...maybe this is just one of them...do check the author's note though...it's way better lined up (would have to be...after all the proof reads and editing ;) ) Hopefully would be back sooner...with something better...

Life Updated with lots of Firsts...

I have been missing in action...and would have continued to miss...lest I had resolved to make a post every week..and that's too tough too keep...but at least the resolution shouldn't break as early as in January itself...so here I am...

Last few days...like about 8-9 days have just gone rolling by...not that I was busy with work (slow n steadily, I am kind of understanding rather realizing that it really doesn't make a difference how much you work...not till you really love what you do, which is actually a very tough thing to happen...at least it's more of a dream in the Indian scenario...and I now realize why I see so many people jumping from one company to another in a year...or even less at times...end of the work story, when I really haven't been working thanks to training or something or the other...)

I actually traveled a little...and then there has been a list of things I did for first time...or after a long long time...

a. witnessed a love story becoming a happily ever after (ab the marriage did happen..after that whatever happens is concluded as a happily every after in story books, so yeah, I am talking of that happily ever after..not the literal one :D but all jokes apart, it was really nice watching two people crazily in love with each (one I can definitely vouch for...for I have seen her crazy sweet acts) actually being tied to each other for life...with all their parent's approvals )...and yeah, I know of another long standing love stories actually meeting their happily ever afters in the last few days...but yeah, I wasn't physically present to witness them and say that I have seen it with my eyes and can vouch for them...

b.went to an amusement park after ages, and I really mean ages...like as in a decade...and there hit the realization that I really have grown up...wasn't all that scared in riding the scariest of rides there...or maybe now I am hard customer to please (I remember, as a kid I loved going to amusement park...and then I would tend to stay away from all d big merry-go-rounds or anything with lots of twists and turns...and there I was, a decade or more later, trying to find one ride which would scare me...sighs....)

c. saw a movie first day first show...that too when the day wasn't Friday but Thursday...and what's more, I actually witnessed a paper shower...right from the time the name of the movie appeared, to the breaking of handi by little 'Vijay', and then the entry of 'Kancha', to the young guy turning up and becoming "Vijay Hrithik Deenanath Chahuan"...I it was fun to see all frills rising in air...all the whistles and hooting...you hardly find such crowd...surprises of all, the movie (which was over 3 hours long) was a good one...it won't let u get bored ever...and yeah it does go overboard as times (remember the typical 90's action movies...single man army, the cry wailing mothers and sisters...and the leading lady with no role to lead with) but it still was a treat to watch...the best part..the movie actually ended with full screen credentials...rather than some pop/item song (would have been beedi chillam in this case) being show and credits rolling by in small tiny part...I so have missed the full screen plain jane titles...

d. shopping (yeah it's not shopped...it's present continuous) shopping like crazy...I so very intelligently call it retail therapy...but damn, shopping is like the best things you can treat yourself with (mind it, yourself, not your account balance)...the shopping spree (henceforth known as retail therapy) started with the very first sale in January, yeah the very first week...and is still going on...I don't even want to calculate how much I have spent...but then, sales come just twice a year...and if you get something for the price, you actually should hoard it...right?? In fact, I am in strong favor of companies paying us double in the month of January and July...it's so much needed...sighs...who says companies are employee friendly...I so desperately need to be in HR :P

e. filled my income tax saving proofs...and damn tough thing it is...as if investing the money for saving the tax isn't bad on you account balance as it is, collecting proofs for the investments and HRA is a big headache in itself...that whole process probably brought tears in my eyes (and don't you for moment thing they were tears of happiness!!), but common guys, we aren't the rich ones...what would the government do by taxing the innocent poor souls...tax should be collected from those who have enough to pay...in fact I know of few intelligent souls who really went on to limit of not investing at all...it's better to pay few thousands than to get into all the hassles and headaches...and I so do agree (hope mom never reads this...she would be doubly sure that her daughter is too lazy, n if left to her, she would throw all money in air ;) )

So, it really isn't my fault (though it can be the reader's good luck) that I have been silent since a while...and I have lots of things churning up to write...how to proceed with them is something I have no idea about...but yeah, there is this one novel I am about to end, and I kind of really liked it...when I was all ready and gearing up to give up on Indian authors, I found one who actually made me think that even Indian authors can bring at least a new angle to the age old love stories (yeah they still can't think much beyond love stories...and before anyone points out, I know of Chanakya's Chants and Immortals of Meluha but still, accept it, most of the Indian novels are all on love, one way or other...), so even if this novel had the love angle, I liked the way it was written...and would soon come out with words on it (at least gives me something to cover for next week ;) )

And then there of course have been my thoughts...not always depressing, in fact mostly thoughtful these days...so I will definitely come up with lots of questions (logical, or illogical as expected from me :D ) and with dher saara gyan to be spread around, no matter if one wishes to hear or not...till then, I will keep it simple and short (and yeah, this is short, very short as per my parameters...)

That's all the updates I have about the days they have been....

The Question of Choices...

It's past 12 in night...a time when my mom n dad would love to see me asleep...probably a time when even I want to b sleeping sound (kind of unbelievable I know...but then I can't help but wish I was asleep...specially since I don't even feel like opening office mails, have nothing interesting to read as of now, nothing to see on television, no one to talk too :( )

But then, this happens to be the time when I am almost always awake...there are happy times when I am waking doing things that interest me...and then there are the not so happy times, when I am wondering about things...night happens to go progressively down when you have quiet a lot on your mind...I do have loads tonight...

There are choices we make, and having the freedom to make choices, in my personal opinion, has always been a bane rather than boon...every so often I feel I made the wrong one...n no matter what I do, I no longer can turn the time back and make a different choice...one can just imagine how tough it is for me, to make a choice now...I need someone to help me make a few choices...but then again, I don't know whom to choose to help me out :P

As kids we dream a lot...as we grow, we understand the reality...there are the determined us, who face the reality and still strive to make the dreams come true...then there are those who accept the reality and adjust, rather compromise to live with it...probably I am thinking unnecessarily...time isn't running out, but who knows if it is...I don't know if I should hold on to my dream...or make a compromise with what life is offering me...because holding on to the dream is a risk...I never know if I'll ever be able to make it in reality...sometimes being stubborn n pursuing a dream costs a lot...compromising can lead to a stable future..stable, but not the kind my dreams are made up of...would I really be happy living that life...

Too cryptic, I know...but I don't know how to really put down all I feel and all that's going in my mind in word (so I really shouldn't expect someone to be able to help me out with the choice part)...

But what would you do, chase a dream, which might never actually turn true...and leave what reality is offering you....or would you rather choose the reality, live with what life is openly offering you, and give up your dream? Which is the choice you can live with....

When words fail, it's love...

Over the years, I have been complimented for my vocabulary...I am supposed to be the one with excellent collection of words with her...in fact, there honestly have been times when I have been accused of using my ways with words to confuse or convince people of things which I don't really mean...again, over the years, I have insisted, that words fail you where things, rather,  people who matter the most are concerned...

It's easy for me to write down long official mails, it's not all that tough for me to write long personal mails too...in fact anyone and everyone who has ever been close to me, has witnessed one of my never ending mails (with few honest souls even accepting that they never found patience enough to read the mail entirely...) But eventually in the end, I still feel, I fail to put even 10% of what I feel in words, no matter how I try (and you better not blame my feeling too much for this failure..) And honestly, even when I put so much in words, I know I am better just with letters and mails...I lose it out in saying my feelings aloud in person...

Something happened just a few minutes back...something very small, but something very sweet...just made me realize, you don't really need words to care about someone...in general, the more you love someone, the less you tell them, in fact the less you are able to tell them (there always are exception, I have one of my own...and I am glad that there is at least one person I really can tell what I feel for her...blessed) 

Sometimes to understand someone loves you, you need to ignore what they say and how they behave...you just have to be alert to see how they react...sometimes the ones who really love you and care for you are the silent ones...who never said a word about it over the years, because they had no clue how to express themselves...that's how true, genuine and surreal the feeling is...

But at times, even those who play with words (yeah I have to come to my case too :P ), who keep on repeating the words to convince you they mean it, do mean it (so you  better trust me tiny-miny bit)...there are those who say it aloud, there are those who cannot...there are people you truly let yourself exposed to...there are cases when the stakes are too high...even me being me, fail to tell what I feel to a couple of people who mean the world...and every so often, I am scared, I won't ever get a chance to let them know what I really felt for them...the ones who really are, are the ones we take for granted...

I don't know what is better...to love and never really express it in words, or to love and keep reminding the other person about it day in and day out, so much that the other person stops cherishing it...I have no clue as to which love is stronger...I know I feel awesome when someone truly tells they like me, they care for me or they love me (you never can be sure how true what they say is ;) ) but at times few unsaid gestures leave me in tears...there are people I won't forget for what they said...there are people who would forever be in my mind for how they made me feel...

But for sure, when you fail to find the right set of words...when you write something and delete it tens of times...when you want to say something but you loose your voice...when all you do is be silent...sit out in a corner, so much in corner that the person might even forget you exist, it's love...

I know few people love me, even when they never have said it aloud in years....I know they know how much I love them, because I doubt I will ever be able to put it down in words...and I just hope, one day we all realize sometimes, when words fail...it's because there is too much of love to be spoken about...

Night Dreaming...A novel, by me...

I have been hearing about Monday Morning Blues like since forever...but in all honesty, you never really understand something, until you experience it...so yeah, since last few months now...Friday mornings are the ones I welcome with open arms...Saturday mornings are sweet...Sunday mornings are a li'l dreadful...but Monday, the lesser said the better :D

Last year I had thought I will make sure to put a post every month...and now looking at the blog-roll, I know I missed a couple of months...but not bad for starters...I mean anything you decide for a new year, kind of backfires anyways...this time, hadn't thought of anything...but now I feel like hoping (praying, believing, whatever) to come up with a post every week...it's too tough for me, I know...for I rarely find any topic to write...but still, let's see how long I can continue with it (and I am not too optimistic about being successful :| )

How has the first week of the new year been...honestly, not bad...not till now in any case ;) Completed a few novels...definitely found nothing much to review about them (though maybe one day when I really don't find anything to write about, I will go back to review a couple of them)...other than that, one thing, I have realized is, I actually do really want to pen down one...it's tough...damn too tough...specially given the fact that I have such short attention span...but damn...every time I go to flipkart, and see yet another engineering or management student coming out with a novel, I feel like I am outgrowing my age to come with one...sighs..

And I was worst hit, when I found a book written by a guy in his 12th standard...still wondering as to how people find a publisher (then I will thing who buys the books...I haven't yet bought the 12th standard kid's book after all...) But all in all, with nothing to do on weekend (except sleeping, and killing time...and if not these two, then jeopardizing the bank balance by shopping :( ) I was just wondering, is it easier to write fiction, or is it more convenient to write a book based on your life...kind of had a whole list of pro's and con's drawn in my mind...

Pros of a personal life incident, you don't really have to research much...after all, you have lived through that phase, who knows the facts better than you....you just can't go wrong, historically, geographically...or even emotionally....and when writing about something related to you, it's far more easier to feel it...to actually describe it in a believable manner, because well...it really had happened, and what has happened, can always happen again...with you, or someone else next time...

Cons...well, the biggest con of writing about something personal is making yourself vulnerable...I am kind of a crazy person...I won't talk much...I like to keep withing myself...but once I talk, I kind of find it hard to hold back...so yeah, I often end up telling people close to me all about me..and even that scare me at times...trusting someone is a li'l hard...but once you trust someone, believing your trust won't be broken is kind a li'l more hard...and when it's tough to believe that the ones who know me inside out won't judge me because they know the real me, it's tougher to imagine exposing yourself to whoever buys a bucks...it kinds of need bravery to let people who can spend a few buck know about a personal part of you...a life you lived, loved or hated...liked or detested...

Me being me, would have definitely thought more about cons you see (yeah, I am not called a borderline pessimist without any reason ;) ) Every so often in life we do things and kind of regret doing them sooner or later...how do I ensure that exposing a part of me won't lead to any regret...phew!! 

See now, that's one reason, I haven't even begun writing a word down for my dream novel...I still am not sure whose story it really would be...all I know is, I believe my life is interesting enough to be put down in words, in a story (yup, that's the 'khushfahmi mein ji raha Me part' ;) ) but at the same time, I don't know if I really want to let a lot of people (okie even a few hundred are a lot) know about me...rather to think of it, I wonder if I would really like the me that would come down on paper while writing a journey through life...

So yeah, those plans are still on hold...I'm still busy weighing down the pros and cons...the two sides of Gemini are busy fighting, arguing and holding down the judgement...and I should hold back on a never ending post, once again all about 'ME'...that's how egocentric and self absorbing I can be...but then it's better to be lost in Me...rather than to deal with the one you can't forget, no matter how hard you try..."Monday Morning Blues" 

PS: I'll definitely try to be back with something better by next week...well but gear up for a lot of such no sense, no logic, simply blabbering post...after all I have to come with 52 new ones this year :P