The woes of Moving (rather Packing)

And it's the time to move...

That's what life has all been about for long...being a daughter of a bank employee, I've moved across places...a year here and a year there, we were once again packing and moving...and still, I know, I have shifted way less than my elder siblings...

Any interview that I remember, I've always said adaptability as my strength...to prove it is simple...I've changed almost ten schools...how can one survive that unless one adapts to the changes...new places...new people...new set of rules...and still, deep within me, I know, I haven't been all that successful...

I did move, I did adjust...but then, there wasn't an option with me...I moved because I had to...I adjusted because the whole bunch of new people won't change for me...in the process, I changed...not that I regret that, change is the only constant after all...but sometimes I do wonder, why don't I just go around and talk with anyone and everyone...after all, that should be easy for me...with so much of changing places n meeting new people that I have done in my life...but then, somewhere in between shifting and moving places, I started accepting that I am not in my comfort zone...rather than falling in the lure of friends and then bidding them goodbye, I made a world within myself...

Uff...too much of philosophy (which I know is truly me)...but then main crux is, even after shifting home so many times...seeing truck-loads of things being packed and unpacked...I still have huge issues while moving...like today...

When I realized I have to move, I thought me being a single person (no strings attached, and hence no gifts loaded on me in last ten months), who absolutely had no necessity to buy any furniture or utensils (perks of being in a service apartment), I won't need any movers/packers/courier people's help to move back to home (Yeah!! I finally am shifting to home...now my blog would have more of home complains rather than office and loneliness ones :P ) 

But then, I was realistic, I knew, I have seen two "Sale Season" staying alone in Hyderabad...and I even remember that I've given free health advice to people in the name of Retail Therapy...since I'm an age old loyalist of that therapy, I realized I definitely have added a lot of luggage (add to it, the multiple visits home were always for bringing stuff from there to here and never vice-versa)... So realistically, I went to the market n bought a big suitcase (the biggest that you get...the ones used for foreign travels (as if I would ever need them for that purpose :| )) 

Then thanks to some travel uncertainty, I started packing up long back...till I realized that two big suitcases (I had one more of that bada wala suitcase pehle se baba!!) and a normal sized trolley, won't be enough to fit my requirement....sighs...I really wasn't inclined to buy a new bag...so finally it was the time to move ahead and look for packers and movers...but then no credible packer and mover would be ready to take goods weighing like just 60 kgs at max...sighs...then came n picture GATI...

Now the less I say about it, the better...for I've already opened the carton I had packed for the movement and stuffed as much as I could back in the suitcase...those people never showed up...never liked the experience of calling up the customer care, Gati just made me have one of the worst ones...so here I'm (kind of feeling in the third world)...thinking how much additional baggage I'll pay tomorrow (and more importantly, hoping that they let me just put all the luggage, charge me, but not refuse me!!) And most importantly, what I am wondering right now is...where the hell do I pack my shoes and sandals...I just can't pick which ones to take and which ones to leave in that :(

Phew!! It's tough to move (even when you are moving to a place you want to move to ), and leaving old people behind, meeting new ones isn't the only challenge...the main challenge is looking at your belongings and wondering how to pack them and where (and of course wondering, since when did you start owning so much of them ;) )

I just hope this ordeal ends by tomorrow evening...and I settle down at home, with of course all my little few belongings!!

PS: The pic suits so well....how I am trying to cram all I can in my three innocent carry bags...sighs...I pity them, but I can't help them....they got to make space for my shoes now!!!!

The other side of the 'Expectation'...

There is one thing we all probably have heard or been told a number of times..."Root cause of all the heartaches and troubles in the world is having Expectations" ...there have been sermons I have read and heard, asking us not to expect anything...for if we don't expect a thing, those expectations won't be broken down...it wouldn't hurt to see people behaving in a way we never dreamed them to behave in...it won't kill us to see things we thought would surely happen turn impossible in this lifetime...

And still, at times I wonder, there is something worse than having expectations...it's knowing that people expect you to do something, to be someone...to behave in a way, u really don't feel like behaving in...it's a risk to expect something out of someone, but it's a hard task to come true to someone's expectations...it's easier to expect any day, than to stand true to what one expects you to be like...I am who I am, and still, I know very few will take us for who we are...there are so many layers to each of us...and sometimes I am sure, it's not us who wishes to be a person of multiple layers...it's just what the world made us...we come to treasure few people, and then we realize the expect something from us...to those people we become what they believed us to be, for it's better to add a layer in our personality, than to risk losing them...

No one is really perfect, I don't even understand why anyone is expected to be perfect...life has never been perfect in itself...else why would life be full of ups and downs...then why are humans expected to be always nice, or few are blamed to be always evil...I really doubt black and white exists in this world...it's mostly always grey, though we hardly accept it...

I know I've been hurt...for I expected a lot...from people, from things, and yes from life itself...and still, when I am out of that cribbing and crying mode (which I rarely am :P ), I do accept the fact that I've been blessed way more than many...I am blessed with a love, unconditional love at that...I might not have turned out as the happiest person, but I never was not cared for...and still, I expected more...I expect so much more out of people...and when I think of all that is expected from me, in those few moments I realize, how much I am burdening others with my demands and wishes...how vocal I am at times with criticism...

How do we judge someone...we all have different parameters of right and wrong...when we don't agree by those who judge us, how do we gain the right to judge someone else...how do we really go about selecting a person to be good enough for us...and that's exactly what we have done since childhood...picked friends, took sides, categorized everyone around us a person we looked up to or down at...when does a child starts doing that...who taught us to do it...I even wonder, did I really expect anything as a child...I guess not...and still I was happier, not because my expectations weren't there to be broken...simply because I knew no one really expected anything of me too...not something life changing...

Now, it's scary...now I have to sit and wonder, how am I really supposed to behave...how would certain action of mine be comprehended as...do I come across as too arrogant, or am I behaving too clingy...actions lose their fun when you have to think a hundred times before taking it...and still, that's what happens these days...I am doing something, but what would other think of this action from me...would they find me an attention seeker...or am I going to come out at someone who wants to be aloof...

Yeah, it's yet another mindless banter...but still, just give it a thought...how many of us would behave the way we behave..and do the things we do, if only we knew, we are from the expectations of the world...growing up is an irony...you get independent, you are free...and still, you are caged behind the bars of expectation...you can't fly, because there is the web of world's rule book of the right and wrong...

Having expectations hurts....but knowing, you are the one the world and people expect from; is tougher to deal with....like it's easier to blame, than to do....but then, I don't claim to be perfect, I have my shortcomings...so what, life hasn't been perfect to me too...and we all still love life, so I really am not 'Expecting' too much, if I expect people to love me :)

A Walk Across the Sun by Addison Corban

I just loved the cover of the book...it was kind of 'Pick me up, I look so glam' kind of cover...and yet when I read the blurb, it was anything but a glam book...the first one by the author, set up in Indian background, which coming by an author who isn't Indian, deserves accolades (in fact, I did wonder, why can't the Indian author pick such serious stuff about Indian background rather than concentrating on love stories and collage romance gone right and wrong)...

It's not a happy novel...child trafficking and molestation never is...being a novel it does give everything a believable but happy ending (as happy as it could ever realistically be), but then again, it was honest in a couple of parts...where it clearly said, trafficking isn't something that would stop by stopping the sellers...you can stop one, hundred new would arise...it is going to go on till there are buyers...sex is a commodity, till the buyers exist, people would sell...and there is no way to eliminate all the buyers...not in our lifetime...that's the harsh truth, a truth none of us can change...

I liked the way it moved...at points it made you understand that it's not just India...any country, no matter how advanced, has its own section of people who are living a life worse than hell...simply because there are people in every country who are well-off, rich and still sadist enough to take pleasure in putting someone through hell...it showed the red light areas not just of Mumbai, but went on till France and New York...and they aren't just Asian gals...there are Russians, there are Americans...what started from India, what centered in India, took the global picture...

This is one thought provoking novel (which really tempted me to write a couple of more philosophical posts...I am somehow trying to hold that temptation back...because somewhere I feel I've already turned life too serious and I need happy thoughts not things to ponder and wonder over...the book is great, my timing to read it was wrong)...and then again, no matter how much I liked the novel, I still would say, it's one, one should think twice before reading...for it would leave you feeling helpless...it would make you cringe..it would make you wish you could help change thing...but in the end you 'll know, there is nothing you and I can do (or at least nothing we would really take up to do)..

After coming with all the cons of reading a novel I really would recommend, I'll have to say it has its pro too...it shows you the faith of two young girls..it shows you what being human is...you come to detest life...you want none of it...you count days and minutes of agony...and still you don't think of dying..because there is someone you want to live for...even when it looks like nothing is worth living...it shows love too...not the romantic one, but the bond two sisters, who lost everything in moments, share...none of the cruelties life served them weakened the love they had...

It shows the healing power of memories...living in past doesn't help...but sometimes our past gives us the courage to live through our present...it's just up to us, which past we chose to think about...the happy one or the sad one..and how we perceive the past...

It shows that growing up corrupts us...the sweetest and most angelic person in this book was a ten year old kid...who really didn't care how the world of elders work...even after having a set of parents who were as far as one could be from being role models, the child remained pure at heart..he showed the selfless caring, without a reason...

The two sisters, Ahalaya and Sita (I loved the names), weren't larger than life characters...though at places I really wondered how can they survive through all this...the protagonist, Thomas was very much human...and wasn't made a larger than life character...he had his shortcomings...and he wasn't made a hero turning miracles..things happened, and thankfully they didn't give him the entire (or even little) credit of being the reason behind those things happening...fighting for the gals, he somewhere found peace in his life...his wife would probably need a little more analytic to be understood...

All in all, a nice read...at around 380 pages, coming towards the last 100, I did feel it could be trimmed a little...there were too many details about the combat operations one could have done without...but then again, for most part of it, it was a page turner...even if a sad, heart-wrenching one, it was a page turner none the less...

The Perfect Mornings "They" Shared...

They never were morning persons...not until they started welcoming the mornings together...she was someone who found it easier to sleep at 6 in morning, rather than waking up at 6...he was the one who tried ending his day by 12, till before he met her...when you love someone, you don't try to change them, you start changing for them...and they both changed...for each other...

He made sure his night begins after hers...she ensured her days started before his...she had realized that mornings weren't all that bad...specially when they meant it was the beginning of one more day with him...and no, she wasn't afraid, that another day would mean she had a day less to spend with him...for she knew, she had him for her life...or eternity...whichever lasts longer...

Cuddled in his arms, feeling him from head to toe, she had welcomed countless mornings with him...it was a surreal feeling...watching the sunrise through their bedroom window...waking up that early in the morning, gave them hours to talk to each other...a time where the worldly troubles still were to wake...moments when they were fresh enough to talk about themselves...of every tiny li'l thing that mattered to them...those were the moments of plain, unadulterated joys..planning the evening ahead...giving words to the unspoken promises of the night before...having their fill of each other before they lost each other for the few waking working hours...

Life was too fast paced...days were demanding for both of them...but then, when you really want to live few moments, you take out time to create them...morning was their time..a time for togetherness...a time when the rising sun's light ensured brightness in their lives...when it was time to get up, and live the dreams they had weaved together at night in reality...

PS: Just had to write it...specially since, I woke up like around 5:45 in morning after ages (don't worry, I went back to sleep right away...because of two reasons...unlike her, I didn't have anyone to welcome the morning with...and somehow 5:45 in morning doesn't mean sunrise in Hyderabad...it was all dark looking out from the window) But for moments, before I went back to sleep, I did wonder, it must be something special to welcome mornings together as couples (even if its a Monday morning)...have a little time for each other before the matters of the world and jobs took over the day...who would enjoy the mornings better than 'they'...after all, night paves the way for morning...and after amazing nights in togetherness, mornings couldn't be anything less for 'them'...and it's a short one...well, because I slept within a couple of minutes (and hence couldn't go about imagining the finer intimate details ;) )

Their - The Wordless Unison

She was lying on his chest...her eyes closed...his heartbeats were so clear to her...it was a rhythm she had memorized by heart...those heartbeats were her personal lullabies...the melody that relaxed her as she slowly slipped into oblivion...sleep is supposedly rejuvenating for everyone, but she could bet, the few moments she was bestowed with before the sleep took over her, were the ones most precious to her...

Each night there was an unspoken effort to prolong those moments...secretly she tried to keep the sleep at bay as long as she could...and she knew such an effort, from her side, won't be appreciated by him...it was simple to understand...if she wanted to savor every moment of being close to him, wrapped in his arms...he wanted to see her sleeping in his arms...he secretly craved to see her oblivious to the world...sleeping without a care...him being her whole world...

It wasn't as if he had no idea what she felt, unless she was asleep....all the while she was awake he was aware of the love she had for him, or the trust she had put on him, of her every feeling, things she said, looks she gave...they said it all...but in all honesty, it was when she was asleep in his arms he felt her extreme level of belief in him...in her abandon at night, he could see her innocence...her face resting on his chest made his chest warm like nothing else could...her palm resting on his shoulder, made him believe she would always be beside him...holding on to him, for his life and hers...

It had been her fantasy....the whole idea of spending the night in the arms of a man...a man she could trust, a man who would have her completely...a man she can claim as solely hers...and that's all she had told him...no, in fact she had demanded him to wrap his arms around her...it feet so safe and secure...not that she feared being attacked, but she so wanted to feel wanted...feel precious...feel protected...

It made him feel special....someone wanting him, needing him around to find her sleep...it made him feel elated, he was what coming home meant to a special girl...if being in his arms made her feel special, it was because she was special...it was because she made him feel like he thought he never would...there is something beyond words which happens when you know someone looks up to you...you tend to give them the best you could...you try your best to be the person they believe you are...and then you realize, you truly are the person they thought you to be...it's not that you are putting an effort to be what they want...it is just that you enjoy being the person you are in their company...maybe that's what you always were, but never realized...

He felt her soft breaths on her chest...a soft smile spread on his lips...after countless nights spent together, he knew she is almost asleep...he knew she was losing another battle of hers to keep waking...he kissed her hairs softly, as he patted her arms softly...she feather kissed her chest before losing herself...it was time to travel...time to leave the beautiful reality they both had weaved together...to vivid colorful dreams...for they knew the dreams would come true....they both were already living in one...

Who says love needs words to be spoken out aloud...who says eyes speak it all...sometimes during the dark hours of night...all it takes is the tunes of heartbeats and the whisper of breaths to say it all...and it speaks louder than words....and is clearer than the sight of eyes...for it comes from the two hearts, who know each other..like they are one...

PS: I just couldn't find a pic serene and warm enough to put it on here (maybe I am looking out for a dream whose pics do not exist in reality...so after spending a time longer than it took to write the entire post, I finally gave up and settled down with the pair of legs...no pics came close to match the writer's imagination after all..)

Never let me go... by Sachin Garg

Finally I finished another novel (now don't think I haven't finished one in last one month...that's just not possible, I need at least a novel a week), but then I finished a novel, I would definitely write about...it's by the same author, Sachin Garg, I had once gone gaga about (reading his first, I'm not 24...) and turned too critical reading his second (It's first love...)...and with the third, I never knew where I am going...

For starters,  the second novel and this one, 'Never Let Me Go..' are supposedly true accounts...sort of his autobiography...taking a year of his life at a time...I am saying supposedly, because I am the one who claims to have had a super-happening life...with things one doesn't even dream (or have nightmares of) happening in real...and still reading these books, specially the latest one, I am still not able to accept such tragedy do happen in real life...that's what the main issue with any tragic event is...they are hard to believe...it's human nature to believe in fairy tales, but seldom does one really think something bad can happen in reality...unless it happens with us...

Coming back to the book, it starts with the twenty first year of the author's life...and somehow rather than being Sachin in the book, he went ahead and took the name Samar...and in case he had used the same name in his last novel, than I shockingly had missed out on it...but if he hadn't, it's kind of understandable...it's easy to write the happy phase of your life with your own identity...it's the sad phase, the guilty phase, and the phase we never really could understand; where we need the identity of some third person, some other name to hide behind....but to think of it, it really isn't much of a sad novel...unless of course you inch towards its last parts...

I guess, it's the raw emotions that touch me way more than the cute college romance...which is kind of so lovey dovey that I no longer am able to identify it (yeah, I know, the granny aged me)...so the beginning of the novel was kind of expected for me...it was the way the first novel of the series (It's first love...) had gone by..with the old characters returning...a couple of more thrown by...and to some extent, it did take me to a place where I really wasn't expecting much from the book...it seemed like the usual, 'I always was the right guy, she wasn't' saga...

Then came the place with too much of beer, weed and partying around...being the person I am...drinking/ smoking/ joint/ partying all night...it never strikes a chord with me...the only thing that kept me hooked was the new gal in picture...somewhere I did identify with her (don't ask me why...because I can never have guts like her...to take those risk)....and then when her character ended (in a way that opens all the ways for her to return in coming books)...it was again casual turning of pages for me to finish the novel...

To give the  book its dues, the last few pages did shock me out...I believe I should appreciate Sachin...for not going for the publicity stunt by stretching those emotional parts (oh, we all know, tear jerkers find a lot of fans...and I know, he could have actually gone ahead and made a whole novel out of those last few pages...garnered all sympathy...but I do respect him for keeping it short...because so often, there really aren't words to express what we feel)...but then a part of me says he wasted too many pages of the novel talking about inconsequential things rather than talking about those part which mattered the most...the ones who found a place only in last 30-35 odd pages of the book...but then, it was his life...it's his novel..I'm sure he wrote it in a way that justifies his life..

So it touched me...it still touches me...We all make mistakes...and we all talk about our mistakes...to the ones we trust, to the ones we can confide in...to the ones who we know won't whisper about it to the world...but coming out in open, talking about our mistakes and consequences openly...it takes a lot...at least I haven't found the courage to do it...and I don't know how it feels after doing...does it feel a lil more free...as if a weight did lift up from our heart...or would it make me feel as if all the eyes are at me...accusing me of doing something deadly wrong...I don't think I ever would take chances to find out what it really feels like...

Anyways, coming back to the book....it's a light read, till it gets a lil too heavy...but even in those light moments, I found places to think about...places I could identify with (which definitely weren't the places where an engaged guy tries to get laid with a gal...or a guy pursuing engineering, decides to run a shackle...or the endless drinking session and getting wasted...) but then tiny small things that were said and done, does make one think at points...

All in all...a nice read...quick one too...and definitely one, I would think a couple of times even after ending...and yeah, I know the 22nd year of his life would be coming out too...and I for sure 'll read that too...the guy still has my attention...in fact, he is now like a mystery to me...I still am unable to believe all this is true...after all, novels do have hint of fiction in them...how else would they sell...but I know it all could very well be truly true...and he can be yet another example of, life moves on...no matter what happen, we continue to live...we come to term with the past...and start building a future...I am not the only one who did that...the whole world does it...

Do read it...if you have any affinity to love stories and emotional stuffs...but don't read it before you read the first one in the series (and I am saying this, even when I was the one criticizing the first one...but then you have to read that one...to really know the characters of this one...else it's a plain disconnect..) And I hope to find the author had happier and better life in the 22nd year...after all, when post peak came the trough...after trough should come the peak...

Wondering of the "Dead-Ends"

It has been long...like 20 days long, when I last ventured into venting out something...and I thought, that is it...I carried through my resolution in January, and trust me, one month is pretty long enough...so after 6 weeks I can give up with that a post a week resolution for the year...but then coming here...counting the number of posts I have up for the year, "mann mein fir vishwas jaga...ummeed ki ek kiran nazar aayi...aur fir main...main chali aayi" ;)

Last couple of weeks...were definitely my busiest ones..and of course what can keep you busy other than job...so it was a little too challenging...but then, once it's done with...you kind of start feeling good of having done it (and of course you start feeling tooooo lazy to start working on new things :| well, very human..) 

There are days when you count every minute of the day...and then there are days that pass in blink of an eye...so while I do complain of getting bored and not having things to kill time, February, being as short as it is, did fly off for me...and now, well...things seem even more on fast track..specially with travelling on cards...hopefully this travel would all be good news (though I still can't motivate myself to be really upbeat about the travelling part...I seriously detest moving)

What happened to blog...took its toll on reading too...have been pretty slow on that front as well :( But no worries...to welcome the weekend, I had a huge Flipkart courier waiting for me when I returned home...between those books and my ebooks, it seems my time should be spent well :D :D (and hope that I find time enough to read all that I want to...which is kind of like asking for moon..)

Ab since I am back...so should my regular dose of philosophy be...haven't we all been in a situation, where we know that this is the limit of goodness and happiness we can get...that we never would have the right to demand more...and we kind of knowingly move ahead with it...resolving never to demand more...thinking that what we are being bestowed with, is more than what we can ask for...not willing to let go off that happiness in our lives...

And then haven't after a period of time (which is like few year for some people, few months for others...maybe few weeks or even days for someone as hasty and impossible as me), don't we just detest the fact that we want so much more, but it just won't be right to demand more...that whole turmoil of wishing for something, and knowing you shouldn't be wishing for it...you don't have a right to it, because right from the beginning you knew the limits you could go to....then passes few more weeks (or months, or years, or days, as applicable from individual to individual)...when the questions start at the back of your mind...why are you really doing this..if you are doing it, don't you deserve something more out of it...there you start wondering why aren't you getting back what you are giving from your end...and you tend to forget at times, this is what you bargained for...no one really asked you to go out of the way and start doing/ thinking/ feeling/ caring as much as you ended up doing...and just because you did, you don't have the right to demand the same from other end...

It's confusing...I know...but that's life...so yeah, with whatever little time I have after the craziness called work-space, I kind of tend to ponder over it...why do we tend to move on a path, knowing that it would meet a dead-end...and then when we reach that dead-end, we kind of shout unfair...we want to keep on moving ahead...we want a new road laid down, specially for us...and even when the smartest choice (a) then is to retrace the steps back and return, it takes us long, really long to convince ourselves that we really need to return (b), rather than waiting day in and day out to see a new way forward... 

(a) - Okie, accepted, had we been smart enough, we never would have walked on a path with dead end and not the destination on it..so common, we aren't smart enough to make the smartest choice...but having a li'l mercy, one can make the second smartest choice possible...

(b) - let's not get into the preachy mode of, one should build a path on reaching a dead end...it's philosophy, not a self help, do it yourself, dig in and make the way concept...there are few things, which are just beyond us...which depends more on the situation and people around us...so no, building the road ahead is not possible..I can start shoving the land...understand the analogy!!

And yeah, we crib...we complain...some of us walk back all the way to the point we started from (that's whenever we get into senses)...people like me wait for too long...and even when we walk back, it's like we are waiting for something to happen...some excuse to turn back and travel to that dead end again...with the hope that maybe the road ahead from that dead end has magically appeared...it's tough...really tough to let go..and it would be way too long (if not forever), before I'll learn how to do that...

PS: If none of the scribbling makes sense, don't worry..it's something wrong from my side, and nothing is wrong with your comprehension skills (duh!! you already know that...don't you? ) And as an excuse for myself, it happens...specially when you end up sleeping before you saw 10 on the clock...and found yourself up at 2, with the thoughts of how dumbly you forgot to send some mails that required to be sent ASAP (and it's too late already)...and you still can't help but make sure now that you remember, you do the work...looks like the rest of the night (if there is any left as per general conception of night), would be spent hoping to find my beauty sleep again...sighs...Life sure is tough!! :P