The Questions and the Child...

Am I the only one, or it keeps happening to all of us...that irresistible urge to speak out...to say out things you probably shouldn't be...to ask the questions, which aren't meant to be asked...

I personally hate mysteries...they attract you..you want to uncover them...but then there are situations when you are expected to behave like grown ups...and not question...being a grown up demands a maturity from you...the maturity to know what should be asked, and what should be...I detest that maturity...I would have prefer going back to being a kid...to simply ask...from anyone...without bothering about the consequences...without the fear of making a fool out of myself...without really wondering how the other person would perceive...

I loved the freedom that my nephew has...how easily he sat besides me while I was working...and simply said.."I want to talk to you...I need to know why you don't have kids yet?"...I'm sure only he can ask this..that innocently, that cutely...and though he can make me stop my work for the few moments...he even gives me the reason to reflect...but at least he has the freedom to ask aloud...not that he would really get true answer...not that I am looking for true answers...because I know, true answers are a rare thing in this world...but I could see he was at peace...he had said aloud what he wanted to...why don't I have that freedom any longer...why do I need to suffocate with my question, but not speak out aloud...

Growing up looked like so much fun...and not that I relent being a grown up...it does have its perks...but growing up has started meaning that my wings cannot really make me fly...I have the freedom to do as a I please...but all that I do would be evaluated...and hence, I really don't do what I might feel like doing...I manage my life in compartments...one separated from the other...because there is so much I'm expected to do, so much I am not expected to...I've to be someone for someone, I've to be someone else for the other...and do I get lose myself in these persona...do I really don't get a chance to speak what's in my mind...

I so want to ask a hundred question...I am holding back...for a day when they all would flood out...because no matter how much I grow...how soon I held on to maturity...there resides a child within...a child who wants to talk, without thinking about consequences...a child who wants to ask the questions, without really thinking if it really is right to ask...a child who wants the answers, even if they really aren't true...

Of Routine, Changes, Courage and of course; Life...

The extended weekend is ending...and it would be back to usual official weekday schedule in another few hours...and that's not to say that my weekends aren't usual...it's kind of same stuff I end doing every weekend, extended or not...make sure to finish a novel...catch on at least a couple of series from US/UK (which makes you wonder why don't we make something as engrossing and sensible as then...why are we stuck to daily shows rather than weekly...why don't we believe in seasons but go on n on n on in continuity...)

Anyways, in short, coming to the crux of it; every now n then (more often than not), life gets predictable...same old set of rules...same routine...same things that happen, and same that do not...and then every once in a while (rarely), we try to break free of the mould...to change things, because the routine is no longer acceptable...but then again, do we really know how to break it...we probably know nothing but that usual routine...that has been the life for us...and that's why, even though we wish, hope and pray for it...we resist changes...even if we know it's better to change some habits, to learn something new...we have an impulsive tendency to make no changes....to let things go on as they are...

Trying to bring a change...proposing a change, is a risk...a risk we won't take...not in general...not unless we are forced to...because though a risk can be rewarding, what we see is how it can hurt...how often do we resist wishing for something  better, just because we fear we might end up losing the little routine that we have...the routine that we are probably bored of, but is still better than losing it altogether...no wonder, it takes courage, to explore, to discover, to succeed, and mostly importantly, to fail...

Who says, losers are coward, the cowards are the ones who never played...the losers were the ones who risked it all...who took chances even when they knew they could end up being called 'loser'...they were no less, if not more, brave than the winners...and the more you are willing to lose, the more you stand to win...but then, few things...few people, few moments...are too precious to be lost, they are what makes you feel secure...they give you a stability...so you hold on to them...you make them your routine...you try to be content with them...live with it, be happy with them...and you try no to wish for more...but then again, when you don't try for better,  you end up with one inevitable question...is what you have, going to stay...you aren't trying to move up to something better, won't one to you just slip to something lower...

After all, there are some strange way of nature....even to maintain our routine life, we need to take the risk...try to make changes...resist our implicit instinct...keep on bringing something new...keep things alive...to ensure, we aren't bored of the routine...and the routine isn't bored of the same old us...

PS: Once again, I started with something...and reached totally somewhere else...with lot of hidden meanings..playing with words, which conceal what I meant at place...a code, buried so deep in words, that maybe if I read it again myself a couple of days down the line, I won't get it...but that's where the fun lies...read a line; and interpret it the way you like...even if we don't change...the words, apparently remaining same, change in their meaning...sounds a lot like life!

Wandering thoughts...

I hold you close...I cherish you..and I detest you...I know I'm never going to get rid of you, maybe, actually very likely, I don't even want to...

You moisten up my eyes, both in happiness and despair...you have defined me, or was it I who created you...you really haven't turned out to be the way I wanted you to be, you aren't exactly what I hoped you would be...but that's the way it always has to be...things aren't supposed to be the way we expect them to be...else where would we find the challenge of changing them...but then I don't know, do you create me, or do I create you...which one of us is dependent on the other...

It's tough to separate me out from you...you are that much woven in me...what we share is a perfect love-hate relationship....how so often, I wish you weren't here...that I wasn't forced to deal with you...and then suddenly when I am down, you turn up to be the one to bring smile to my face...

There is so much I've done, it could be right or wrong...but you took it all...you nurtured it, you make sure I know of my deeds...and it's not that you really teach...I do same things again...sometimes you win, proving me that I would end recreating you...sometimes you lose, I end up rewriting you...and as much as I want to run away from you, I'll still come back to you...because you are what I know for sure...you are what I identify with...

You are my friend...you are my foe...you are my shadow...or maybe you are 'Me'...


“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Sometimes they are not, but they precious still the same...Because they are, who you are...

The Question of "M"

This day comes in every person's life, almost every because there are exceptions to everything, but then, this day inevitable comes up...some of us confess it has, some of us never will...some of us would accept it, some would deny it forever...and since the new age gives us everything in abundance, the reasons and the chances, for this day to come sooner than later, increases....

It has been like over 2 years now, since the time I first came to know random xyz who is my classmate/ colleague/ batch mate/ anyone who is close to my age/ thoughts/ background is getting committed (on nah, committed is like ages old story, our generated started the trend of getting committed right in school, isn't it!!) engaged/ married....And then it has been at least like 18-19 months since every day (lets not exaggerate, though the daily frequency is like a frequent occurrence) week I get to witness a couple of albums full of roka/ engagement/ marriage/ 'any other ritual associated with being married and happily ever after' in the Facebook activities...

Phew! It's fun to watch...seriously, all the glittering pics...to compare a wedding over the other (oh, don't we even attend the wedding to do that, why be partial to pics), to check the beautiful dresses and decorations...to pass our judgement as to how good the bride-groom look together or what a total misfit they are...to wonder what happened to the guy/girl the bride/groom in pic were actually dating...or end up sighing wishfully for those who ensured their school romance blossoms into marriage (this one is specially for all the girls who so grew hearing the love tales and happily ever afters...)

And then comes the day....the day you try hard to fight...the day you hope would never come...the day you end up questioning yourself, "Isn't it time for you to get married?"...now that is one dreadful question...because you never have an answer....but a lot of questions attached to it...and yes, I won't try and play around the bush, that day has come for me...and that made me think too...and as I said, it's a dreadful question, I didn't have an answer...but lots of questions attached to it...

So taking the logical deduction way (oh, we MBAites are great with logical skills you see), every question needs to be broken into two parts, the for and the against...so like a real intelligent person, I turned the single question into two, why is it time for me to get married...and why it isn't time for me to get married...

Why (Is It Time) To Get Married:-

a. Because the day when the question of marriage has come up in my mind has come...

b. Because everyone around me is getting married (we are all sheep and rats after all...moving in herds and racing, no denying that)

c. Because I need someone new in front of whom I can crib day in and day out...and that person has no choice but to listen to it all and be sympathetic..

d. Because my parents finally do need a sigh of relief...

e. Because it is the 'right age'...eww!! what is a 'right age'???

f. Because it's time I've given up any possibility of finding a guy to romance myself, and marriage is the last attempt I have at anything romantic in my life (I can crib about this point in detail some other time :D )

g. Because I need a big break from office (now this one is a win win!!)

h. Because that would make my relatives and mom-dad's family friends stop asking my parents as to when am I getting married within 10 minutes of me visiting there homes with parents (and then my parents wonder why I don't like going out with them!!)

i. Because if it has to happen some day, why not today (specially since life is getting a little too monotonous now)

j. Because I can always hope for a foreign tour post marriage (oh common, if air tickets to Singapore costs as much as air tickets to Goa, Singapore it has to be!!)

After ten solid (which melted down to liquid) reasons of why it's time to get married, I have to move to the next part of why it isn't the time yet...

Why (Is It Time) Not To Get Married:-

a. Because I've the habit of getting useless thoughts...if I start paying heed to all the thoughts and questions, I would have already had 5 kids!!

b. Because I need to wait and try getting the hands on experience from few trusted source...how did they really adapt to being married...

c. Because I really don't think I am ready for that promotion and added responsibility...common, all I do is wake, eat, office, home, eat, work, sleep...and my schedule has no scope of adding any more items in it...

d. Because I know of no one I can actually pounce and marry...good guys are so tough to be trapped...

e. Because right now I can still relish in the fact that I can have a drastic change in my life by marrying...once married, what change can I dream of when life gets monotonous (keep in mind, having kids is not a change!!)

f. Because, it just is not the age...I am still a kid (which on thinking hard, I plan to remain forever...)

g. Because that's a risk, I really am not willing to take...

h. Because somethings are better the later...

i. Because it hasn't happened till now...after all, when something has to happen, it happens...and since marriage hasn't happened till now...probably it didn't have to happen...

j. Because I'm trying to come up with equal points as in previous question, because I really can't figure out my feelings myself...so how do I trust myself with a commitment that big...

And as a true consultant, reaching an answer is never mandatory for me...in fact, leaving the question open, is what comes naturally...so I really don't know if I should, or if I shouldn't...all I know is, it would happen when it has to...and till it doesn't happen, I can wait for it...once it happens, I can only hope never to feel like finding a way out of it ;)

PS: Somewhere while penning typing this one down...I started craving for my bed...I need to sleep so badly...so got to end this post in haste...maybe a couple of days/weeks/months later, I will pick up the post again and edit it...hoping for a conclusion even then is going to be tough....

Answers, she didn't wish to know...

Contrary to popular belief, it is easy to read a person's eyes...more so if the person is close to you...what is tough, is to gather the courage to look into the eyes of the one you care about...for you fear what you might see there...and then again, it is easy to listen to someone talk everything good...what is tough, is to believe them...

Being human, she chose the easy way...time and again hearing what he said...unable to truly believe in it...and she knew, she would know the truth if she looked in his eyes, but she just couldn't gather the courage to do the same...truth is good...and she respected him for being true...but hopes and dreams are necessary to live...she wanted to live...so she hoped for him to be wrong...she dreamed of changing his heart one day...

Logically, rather philosophically; for she was always great in philosophy...which human is not; she knew it's not right to demand someone to change...it's not even good for her own self to hope someone would change...how can they, when she could not...but then, where he was concerned, philosophy failed...logic never had a part to play...and she knew it was something beyond her...for once, she has to take a detour from her planned out, penned to perfection life...and take a risk...play a gamble, she was assured of losing since the very first day...but she still took the chance...she chose to wait for time to come...and hoped for him to change before the time comes..

She smiled, she laughed...not just to show...but the real ones...and she collected those memories...the time spent with him was precious...more so because it was running out...so fast that now, even when she was in his arms, she couldn't help but think of the night when she would no longer have the warmth around her...she knew it was time to make the distance...to slowly slip off his arms and get used to the vast space of the bed...but somehow she couldn't make herself do that...she couldn't stop her treacherous body of slipping a lil more close to him...of her arms cuddling him a lil closer....sometimes she felt like holding him so close, wrap him so tight, that they could no longer be distinguished as two different beings...how does she engulf him in her...or get lost inside him that no longer the two of them could be separated...

She ended up kissing his forehead softly...looking at him sleeping in peace...wondering if he ever had the thoughts on similar lines...wondering how he could sleep, while she is busy trying to find a way to stop the running time...or find a way to be together before the time runs out....it was easy to put the blame on him...accuse him of never really wanting a forever..wasn't the fairy tales ending in 'happily-ever-after' meant just for gals...but at times like this, she did wonder if she wasn't great enough to be actually coveted for life...was what they shared not precious enough to be fought for...and then she knew, it wasn't easy to fight...she wasn't sure if she was ready for the fight either....but then, she wasn't even ready to let go off him...and for sure, she had no idea which of the two paths would she choose, had the choice left to her...and a slow smile spreads on her lips...for she remembered, she had all the choices regarding them, a say in all that he and she shared, but this was one choice she wasn't offered...he had made clear of it way back...when the time comes to make this choices of fighting and fleeing, it would be his...

And while she was the one counting minutes till the time runs out...she couldn't help contemplating how he would make his choice...for isn't he the one who never first hand did hurt...not that she never cried in the relation...or whatever it is that they had...but it never was his intention....it was just because the two different individuals they were...the way one was too emotional...the way other lived in the moment...the way she thought about future...the way he was cool with all the present day brings with it...she couldn't help but wonder, how he would give her the first direct blow...how would he make the choice that could wreck her apart...how would he go about giving her that expected shock...would she really meant so little to him that he would do that in a minute...or would he finally fight for her because he felt something unlike he felt for anyone else till date...and maybe, oh no; for sure, his eyes held the answer to most of her questions...but, she didn't have the strength to face those answers....

She kissed his closed eyes softly before slowly settling back on his chest...kissing him soft, closing her eyes...if only he ever took two minutes to notice, why she couldn't bring herself to look in his eyes...why she is busy escaping his gaze whenever they were together during the day....did he ever wonder why she makes it a point to sleep after him....because in the darkness of night, when he is sleeping in oblivion with his eyes closed, is the only safe time for her to look at his face...and remember his picture for the years to come...the only way she could truly appreciate him and collect more memories to thrive on while avoiding the answers to her endless questions....for she chose to be happy...to live in the moment even when the future bothered her...to be with him till time came for it all to end...after all, love made her strong to play the gamble...but love made her weak to face the answers, not till she has a choice to escape from them...