The Question of "M"

This day comes in every person's life, almost every because there are exceptions to everything, but then, this day inevitable comes up...some of us confess it has, some of us never will...some of us would accept it, some would deny it forever...and since the new age gives us everything in abundance, the reasons and the chances, for this day to come sooner than later, increases....

It has been like over 2 years now, since the time I first came to know random xyz who is my classmate/ colleague/ batch mate/ anyone who is close to my age/ thoughts/ background is getting committed (on nah, committed is like ages old story, our generated started the trend of getting committed right in school, isn't it!!) engaged/ married....And then it has been at least like 18-19 months since every day (lets not exaggerate, though the daily frequency is like a frequent occurrence) week I get to witness a couple of albums full of roka/ engagement/ marriage/ 'any other ritual associated with being married and happily ever after' in the Facebook activities...

Phew! It's fun to watch...seriously, all the glittering pics...to compare a wedding over the other (oh, don't we even attend the wedding to do that, why be partial to pics), to check the beautiful dresses and decorations...to pass our judgement as to how good the bride-groom look together or what a total misfit they are...to wonder what happened to the guy/girl the bride/groom in pic were actually dating...or end up sighing wishfully for those who ensured their school romance blossoms into marriage (this one is specially for all the girls who so grew hearing the love tales and happily ever afters...)

And then comes the day....the day you try hard to fight...the day you hope would never come...the day you end up questioning yourself, "Isn't it time for you to get married?"...now that is one dreadful question...because you never have an answer....but a lot of questions attached to it...and yes, I won't try and play around the bush, that day has come for me...and that made me think too...and as I said, it's a dreadful question, I didn't have an answer...but lots of questions attached to it...

So taking the logical deduction way (oh, we MBAites are great with logical skills you see), every question needs to be broken into two parts, the for and the against...so like a real intelligent person, I turned the single question into two, why is it time for me to get married...and why it isn't time for me to get married...

Why (Is It Time) To Get Married:-

a. Because the day when the question of marriage has come up in my mind has come...

b. Because everyone around me is getting married (we are all sheep and rats after all...moving in herds and racing, no denying that)

c. Because I need someone new in front of whom I can crib day in and day out...and that person has no choice but to listen to it all and be sympathetic..

d. Because my parents finally do need a sigh of relief...

e. Because it is the 'right age'...eww!! what is a 'right age'???

f. Because it's time I've given up any possibility of finding a guy to romance myself, and marriage is the last attempt I have at anything romantic in my life (I can crib about this point in detail some other time :D )

g. Because I need a big break from office (now this one is a win win!!)

h. Because that would make my relatives and mom-dad's family friends stop asking my parents as to when am I getting married within 10 minutes of me visiting there homes with parents (and then my parents wonder why I don't like going out with them!!)

i. Because if it has to happen some day, why not today (specially since life is getting a little too monotonous now)

j. Because I can always hope for a foreign tour post marriage (oh common, if air tickets to Singapore costs as much as air tickets to Goa, Singapore it has to be!!)

After ten solid (which melted down to liquid) reasons of why it's time to get married, I have to move to the next part of why it isn't the time yet...

Why (Is It Time) Not To Get Married:-

a. Because I've the habit of getting useless thoughts...if I start paying heed to all the thoughts and questions, I would have already had 5 kids!!

b. Because I need to wait and try getting the hands on experience from few trusted source...how did they really adapt to being married...

c. Because I really don't think I am ready for that promotion and added responsibility...common, all I do is wake, eat, office, home, eat, work, sleep...and my schedule has no scope of adding any more items in it...

d. Because I know of no one I can actually pounce and marry...good guys are so tough to be trapped...

e. Because right now I can still relish in the fact that I can have a drastic change in my life by marrying...once married, what change can I dream of when life gets monotonous (keep in mind, having kids is not a change!!)

f. Because, it just is not the age...I am still a kid (which on thinking hard, I plan to remain forever...)

g. Because that's a risk, I really am not willing to take...

h. Because somethings are better the later...

i. Because it hasn't happened till now...after all, when something has to happen, it happens...and since marriage hasn't happened till now...probably it didn't have to happen...

j. Because I'm trying to come up with equal points as in previous question, because I really can't figure out my feelings myself...so how do I trust myself with a commitment that big...

And as a true consultant, reaching an answer is never mandatory for me...in fact, leaving the question open, is what comes naturally...so I really don't know if I should, or if I shouldn't...all I know is, it would happen when it has to...and till it doesn't happen, I can wait for it...once it happens, I can only hope never to feel like finding a way out of it ;)

PS: Somewhere while penning typing this one down...I started craving for my bed...I need to sleep so badly...so got to end this post in haste...maybe a couple of days/weeks/months later, I will pick up the post again and edit it...hoping for a conclusion even then is going to be tough....

A quote...and lots of thoughts...

Was just going through few old notes and collections...and came across this one quote, no idea from where it came and who has coined it...just that it touched me (duh, being a gal, n that too a touchy one, it had to...why else would I find this one in one of my all time favorite quotes collection...)

And I never would say what love is...to me, something I said years back is the truest I know of love...it is inexplicable (and still we spend ages explaining it), beyond words (and yet we spend eternity trying to define it and put it in words) and unreasonable (still, if you love someone, you are expected to answer that person why on this earth you love him/ her)...but somewhere, I find myself agreeing to every word of this quotation...here it goes...

I won't say I know what love is for everyone, but I can tell what it is for me...

Love is knowing the worst about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than anyone else...

Love is trusting someone enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you have been ashamed of...

Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you....

Love is loving them....even when its the last thing you should do...

Just left me with a couple of thoughts...

- reading it, I don't think anyone of us can say love can happen just once..in fact, I don't even think, love needs to happen to only one person at a time...can't we confide with a couple of special ones..don't we know the bad parts of few people and still accept them with all our hearts...and one is definitely going to b in a very risky place if one finds comfort only in presence of a single person...love by itself, doesn't need to be with one...it's just the conventional way we start looking at love...

- once it happens, it just can't go...if it goes, it never was there...and truly, opposite of love, isn't hate...it's ignorance...and that never comes easy..

- I just ended up remembering few people (and a couple really special people) while reading the quotes...so yeah, I at least love a little too many :)

And love covers a lot of other expects...for example, I love the quote itself...not that I can confide in it, or get weak in my knees or trust it ;)

The other side of the 'Expectation'...

There is one thing we all probably have heard or been told a number of times..."Root cause of all the heartaches and troubles in the world is having Expectations" ...there have been sermons I have read and heard, asking us not to expect anything...for if we don't expect a thing, those expectations won't be broken down...it wouldn't hurt to see people behaving in a way we never dreamed them to behave in...it won't kill us to see things we thought would surely happen turn impossible in this lifetime...

And still, at times I wonder, there is something worse than having expectations...it's knowing that people expect you to do something, to be someone...to behave in a way, u really don't feel like behaving in...it's a risk to expect something out of someone, but it's a hard task to come true to someone's expectations...it's easier to expect any day, than to stand true to what one expects you to be like...I am who I am, and still, I know very few will take us for who we are...there are so many layers to each of us...and sometimes I am sure, it's not us who wishes to be a person of multiple layers...it's just what the world made us...we come to treasure few people, and then we realize the expect something from us...to those people we become what they believed us to be, for it's better to add a layer in our personality, than to risk losing them...

No one is really perfect, I don't even understand why anyone is expected to be perfect...life has never been perfect in itself...else why would life be full of ups and downs...then why are humans expected to be always nice, or few are blamed to be always evil...I really doubt black and white exists in this world...it's mostly always grey, though we hardly accept it...

I know I've been hurt...for I expected a lot...from people, from things, and yes from life itself...and still, when I am out of that cribbing and crying mode (which I rarely am :P ), I do accept the fact that I've been blessed way more than many...I am blessed with a love, unconditional love at that...I might not have turned out as the happiest person, but I never was not cared for...and still, I expected more...I expect so much more out of people...and when I think of all that is expected from me, in those few moments I realize, how much I am burdening others with my demands and wishes...how vocal I am at times with criticism...

How do we judge someone...we all have different parameters of right and wrong...when we don't agree by those who judge us, how do we gain the right to judge someone else...how do we really go about selecting a person to be good enough for us...and that's exactly what we have done since childhood...picked friends, took sides, categorized everyone around us a person we looked up to or down at...when does a child starts doing that...who taught us to do it...I even wonder, did I really expect anything as a child...I guess not...and still I was happier, not because my expectations weren't there to be broken...simply because I knew no one really expected anything of me too...not something life changing...

Now, it's scary...now I have to sit and wonder, how am I really supposed to behave...how would certain action of mine be comprehended as...do I come across as too arrogant, or am I behaving too clingy...actions lose their fun when you have to think a hundred times before taking it...and still, that's what happens these days...I am doing something, but what would other think of this action from me...would they find me an attention seeker...or am I going to come out at someone who wants to be aloof...

Yeah, it's yet another mindless banter...but still, just give it a thought...how many of us would behave the way we behave..and do the things we do, if only we knew, we are from the expectations of the world...growing up is an irony...you get independent, you are free...and still, you are caged behind the bars of expectation...you can't fly, because there is the web of world's rule book of the right and wrong...

Having expectations hurts....but knowing, you are the one the world and people expect from; is tougher to deal with....like it's easier to blame, than to do....but then, I don't claim to be perfect, I have my shortcomings...so what, life hasn't been perfect to me too...and we all still love life, so I really am not 'Expecting' too much, if I expect people to love me :)

The Perfect Mornings "They" Shared...

They never were morning persons...not until they started welcoming the mornings together...she was someone who found it easier to sleep at 6 in morning, rather than waking up at 6...he was the one who tried ending his day by 12, till before he met her...when you love someone, you don't try to change them, you start changing for them...and they both changed...for each other...

He made sure his night begins after hers...she ensured her days started before his...she had realized that mornings weren't all that bad...specially when they meant it was the beginning of one more day with him...and no, she wasn't afraid, that another day would mean she had a day less to spend with him...for she knew, she had him for her life...or eternity...whichever lasts longer...

Cuddled in his arms, feeling him from head to toe, she had welcomed countless mornings with him...it was a surreal feeling...watching the sunrise through their bedroom window...waking up that early in the morning, gave them hours to talk to each other...a time where the worldly troubles still were to wake...moments when they were fresh enough to talk about themselves...of every tiny li'l thing that mattered to them...those were the moments of plain, unadulterated joys..planning the evening ahead...giving words to the unspoken promises of the night before...having their fill of each other before they lost each other for the few waking working hours...

Life was too fast paced...days were demanding for both of them...but then, when you really want to live few moments, you take out time to create them...morning was their time..a time for togetherness...a time when the rising sun's light ensured brightness in their lives...when it was time to get up, and live the dreams they had weaved together at night in reality...

PS: Just had to write it...specially since, I woke up like around 5:45 in morning after ages (don't worry, I went back to sleep right away...because of two reasons...unlike her, I didn't have anyone to welcome the morning with...and somehow 5:45 in morning doesn't mean sunrise in Hyderabad...it was all dark looking out from the window) But for moments, before I went back to sleep, I did wonder, it must be something special to welcome mornings together as couples (even if its a Monday morning)...have a little time for each other before the matters of the world and jobs took over the day...who would enjoy the mornings better than 'they'...after all, night paves the way for morning...and after amazing nights in togetherness, mornings couldn't be anything less for 'them'...and it's a short one...well, because I slept within a couple of minutes (and hence couldn't go about imagining the finer intimate details ;) )

Their - The Wordless Unison

She was lying on his chest...her eyes closed...his heartbeats were so clear to her...it was a rhythm she had memorized by heart...those heartbeats were her personal lullabies...the melody that relaxed her as she slowly slipped into oblivion...sleep is supposedly rejuvenating for everyone, but she could bet, the few moments she was bestowed with before the sleep took over her, were the ones most precious to her...

Each night there was an unspoken effort to prolong those moments...secretly she tried to keep the sleep at bay as long as she could...and she knew such an effort, from her side, won't be appreciated by him...it was simple to understand...if she wanted to savor every moment of being close to him, wrapped in his arms...he wanted to see her sleeping in his arms...he secretly craved to see her oblivious to the world...sleeping without a care...him being her whole world...

It wasn't as if he had no idea what she felt, unless she was asleep....all the while she was awake he was aware of the love she had for him, or the trust she had put on him, of her every feeling, things she said, looks she gave...they said it all...but in all honesty, it was when she was asleep in his arms he felt her extreme level of belief in him...in her abandon at night, he could see her innocence...her face resting on his chest made his chest warm like nothing else could...her palm resting on his shoulder, made him believe she would always be beside him...holding on to him, for his life and hers...

It had been her fantasy....the whole idea of spending the night in the arms of a man...a man she could trust, a man who would have her completely...a man she can claim as solely hers...and that's all she had told him...no, in fact she had demanded him to wrap his arms around her...it feet so safe and secure...not that she feared being attacked, but she so wanted to feel wanted...feel precious...feel protected...

It made him feel special....someone wanting him, needing him around to find her sleep...it made him feel elated, he was what coming home meant to a special girl...if being in his arms made her feel special, it was because she was special...it was because she made him feel like he thought he never would...there is something beyond words which happens when you know someone looks up to you...you tend to give them the best you could...you try your best to be the person they believe you are...and then you realize, you truly are the person they thought you to be...it's not that you are putting an effort to be what they want...it is just that you enjoy being the person you are in their company...maybe that's what you always were, but never realized...

He felt her soft breaths on her chest...a soft smile spread on his lips...after countless nights spent together, he knew she is almost asleep...he knew she was losing another battle of hers to keep waking...he kissed her hairs softly, as he patted her arms softly...she feather kissed her chest before losing herself...it was time to travel...time to leave the beautiful reality they both had weaved together...to vivid colorful dreams...for they knew the dreams would come true....they both were already living in one...

Who says love needs words to be spoken out aloud...who says eyes speak it all...sometimes during the dark hours of night...all it takes is the tunes of heartbeats and the whisper of breaths to say it all...and it speaks louder than words....and is clearer than the sight of eyes...for it comes from the two hearts, who know each other..like they are one...

PS: I just couldn't find a pic serene and warm enough to put it on here (maybe I am looking out for a dream whose pics do not exist in reality...so after spending a time longer than it took to write the entire post, I finally gave up and settled down with the pair of legs...no pics came close to match the writer's imagination after all..)

Never let me go... by Sachin Garg

Finally I finished another novel (now don't think I haven't finished one in last one month...that's just not possible, I need at least a novel a week), but then I finished a novel, I would definitely write about...it's by the same author, Sachin Garg, I had once gone gaga about (reading his first, I'm not 24...) and turned too critical reading his second (It's first love...)...and with the third, I never knew where I am going...

For starters,  the second novel and this one, 'Never Let Me Go..' are supposedly true accounts...sort of his autobiography...taking a year of his life at a time...I am saying supposedly, because I am the one who claims to have had a super-happening life...with things one doesn't even dream (or have nightmares of) happening in real...and still reading these books, specially the latest one, I am still not able to accept such tragedy do happen in real life...that's what the main issue with any tragic event is...they are hard to believe...it's human nature to believe in fairy tales, but seldom does one really think something bad can happen in reality...unless it happens with us...

Coming back to the book, it starts with the twenty first year of the author's life...and somehow rather than being Sachin in the book, he went ahead and took the name Samar...and in case he had used the same name in his last novel, than I shockingly had missed out on it...but if he hadn't, it's kind of understandable...it's easy to write the happy phase of your life with your own identity...it's the sad phase, the guilty phase, and the phase we never really could understand; where we need the identity of some third person, some other name to hide behind....but to think of it, it really isn't much of a sad novel...unless of course you inch towards its last parts...

I guess, it's the raw emotions that touch me way more than the cute college romance...which is kind of so lovey dovey that I no longer am able to identify it (yeah, I know, the granny aged me)...so the beginning of the novel was kind of expected for me...it was the way the first novel of the series (It's first love...) had gone by..with the old characters returning...a couple of more thrown by...and to some extent, it did take me to a place where I really wasn't expecting much from the book...it seemed like the usual, 'I always was the right guy, she wasn't' saga...

Then came the place with too much of beer, weed and partying around...being the person I am...drinking/ smoking/ joint/ partying all night...it never strikes a chord with me...the only thing that kept me hooked was the new gal in picture...somewhere I did identify with her (don't ask me why...because I can never have guts like her...to take those risk)....and then when her character ended (in a way that opens all the ways for her to return in coming books)...it was again casual turning of pages for me to finish the novel...

To give the  book its dues, the last few pages did shock me out...I believe I should appreciate Sachin...for not going for the publicity stunt by stretching those emotional parts (oh, we all know, tear jerkers find a lot of fans...and I know, he could have actually gone ahead and made a whole novel out of those last few pages...garnered all sympathy...but I do respect him for keeping it short...because so often, there really aren't words to express what we feel)...but then a part of me says he wasted too many pages of the novel talking about inconsequential things rather than talking about those part which mattered the most...the ones who found a place only in last 30-35 odd pages of the book...but then, it was his life...it's his novel..I'm sure he wrote it in a way that justifies his life..

So it touched me...it still touches me...We all make mistakes...and we all talk about our mistakes...to the ones we trust, to the ones we can confide in...to the ones who we know won't whisper about it to the world...but coming out in open, talking about our mistakes and consequences openly...it takes a lot...at least I haven't found the courage to do it...and I don't know how it feels after doing...does it feel a lil more free...as if a weight did lift up from our heart...or would it make me feel as if all the eyes are at me...accusing me of doing something deadly wrong...I don't think I ever would take chances to find out what it really feels like...

Anyways, coming back to the book....it's a light read, till it gets a lil too heavy...but even in those light moments, I found places to think about...places I could identify with (which definitely weren't the places where an engaged guy tries to get laid with a gal...or a guy pursuing engineering, decides to run a shackle...or the endless drinking session and getting wasted...) but then tiny small things that were said and done, does make one think at points...

All in all...a nice read...quick one too...and definitely one, I would think a couple of times even after ending...and yeah, I know the 22nd year of his life would be coming out too...and I for sure 'll read that too...the guy still has my attention...in fact, he is now like a mystery to me...I still am unable to believe all this is true...after all, novels do have hint of fiction in them...how else would they sell...but I know it all could very well be truly true...and he can be yet another example of, life moves on...no matter what happen, we continue to live...we come to term with the past...and start building a future...I am not the only one who did that...the whole world does it...

Do read it...if you have any affinity to love stories and emotional stuffs...but don't read it before you read the first one in the series (and I am saying this, even when I was the one criticizing the first one...but then you have to read that one...to really know the characters of this one...else it's a plain disconnect..) And I hope to find the author had happier and better life in the 22nd year...after all, when post peak came the trough...after trough should come the peak...

The Question of Love...

I was on a reading spree this weekend...completed three novels over the last two days (one of which was going since a week..and two were started n finished this weekend itself), and yeah, I want to say a lot about them (they were all really good to be honest, and I am just being lazy in doing a review)..and then I had started this fourth one (which would have to wait for another weekend to get over with)...

It's by a new author which has actually amazed me by the first novel I read...after I was on verge of giving up on Indian authors, I found I am not 24 by Sachin Garg, and maybe I will pull myself for a review later, but all in all, he is worth the read...Starting with his second novel, I turned pages to read the beginning of it...a place where the author had tried to give (or rather wonder) his views about love...and it touched a raw place in me...somewhere it seemed that here is a guy as lost as me...and if not lost, as confused...probably I am trying to take credits, but his words seemed kind of the ones that can come from me (and all apologies to the author for trying to compare myself with him)...but for those who know, here are the online 2 pages of the part I am talking about...read it and do let me know if you find any resemblance :D

Have just read a couple of the chapters of the book...but still, I am most amazed by the beginning only...kind of made me think quiet a lot...it's not that different people have different definitions of love, in fact same person has multiple definition of love..I love lots of people...and I love them all in a different way....and then again, my beliefs and feelings regarding love are definitely not what they used to a few years back...

When I change as a person, how can I expect someone to keep loving me the same way even when I change...I know the time when I had been innocent..and I know I can no longer say I am one...I was the one who was childish...and now sometimes I myself feel I am far too serious...how do I expect someone who fell in love with the cute kid, to love the mature, overgrown (and don't you dare say old) me...how can I bring myself to love someone who is no longer the complementary person I looked for...

Yeah, I know...I am uselessly wondering a lot...but then I just went a few years down in the memory...I care for all those who are close to me, who once were close to me...without whom life seemed impossible once...and whom I thought I loved...I still care for them...they are still special...but I don't think I love them...in fact sometimes I wonder if I ever loved them...my definition of love probably has changed...probably 'll continue to change...and probably a forever love is one in which you find a soul mate who changes with you (or rather with whom I can change)...and even while saying this, I doubt it really is possible...

At some point of time in life, all of us 'll compromise...and maybe it's finding a person irresistible enough to compromise for that is love...of I don't know...I maybe never will...but yeah, other than this eternal love on which millions of love stories are written, I know one thing for fact now...the love of family is definitely an unconditional one...they really can forgive almost anything...no matter how bad you are, your parents and siblings have the magic of finding the good in you (or rather the fault of being unable to see your fault)...

PS: I really have no idea why I wrote whatever I wrote...to be honest I am afraid to even look back at it...because I know I might just erase it all...but sometimes (or most often) one should come up with raw, incoherent post...maybe this is just one of them...do check the author's note though...it's way better lined up (would have to be...after all the proof reads and editing ;) ) Hopefully would be back sooner...with something better...

When words fail, it's love...

Over the years, I have been complimented for my vocabulary...I am supposed to be the one with excellent collection of words with her...in fact, there honestly have been times when I have been accused of using my ways with words to confuse or convince people of things which I don't really mean...again, over the years, I have insisted, that words fail you where things, rather,  people who matter the most are concerned...

It's easy for me to write down long official mails, it's not all that tough for me to write long personal mails too...in fact anyone and everyone who has ever been close to me, has witnessed one of my never ending mails (with few honest souls even accepting that they never found patience enough to read the mail entirely...) But eventually in the end, I still feel, I fail to put even 10% of what I feel in words, no matter how I try (and you better not blame my feeling too much for this failure..) And honestly, even when I put so much in words, I know I am better just with letters and mails...I lose it out in saying my feelings aloud in person...

Something happened just a few minutes back...something very small, but something very sweet...just made me realize, you don't really need words to care about someone...in general, the more you love someone, the less you tell them, in fact the less you are able to tell them (there always are exception, I have one of my own...and I am glad that there is at least one person I really can tell what I feel for her...blessed) 

Sometimes to understand someone loves you, you need to ignore what they say and how they behave...you just have to be alert to see how they react...sometimes the ones who really love you and care for you are the silent ones...who never said a word about it over the years, because they had no clue how to express themselves...that's how true, genuine and surreal the feeling is...

But at times, even those who play with words (yeah I have to come to my case too :P ), who keep on repeating the words to convince you they mean it, do mean it (so you  better trust me tiny-miny bit)...there are those who say it aloud, there are those who cannot...there are people you truly let yourself exposed to...there are cases when the stakes are too high...even me being me, fail to tell what I feel to a couple of people who mean the world...and every so often, I am scared, I won't ever get a chance to let them know what I really felt for them...the ones who really are, are the ones we take for granted...

I don't know what is better...to love and never really express it in words, or to love and keep reminding the other person about it day in and day out, so much that the other person stops cherishing it...I have no clue as to which love is stronger...I know I feel awesome when someone truly tells they like me, they care for me or they love me (you never can be sure how true what they say is ;) ) but at times few unsaid gestures leave me in tears...there are people I won't forget for what they said...there are people who would forever be in my mind for how they made me feel...

But for sure, when you fail to find the right set of words...when you write something and delete it tens of times...when you want to say something but you loose your voice...when all you do is be silent...sit out in a corner, so much in corner that the person might even forget you exist, it's love...

I know few people love me, even when they never have said it aloud in years....I know they know how much I love them, because I doubt I will ever be able to put it down in words...and I just hope, one day we all realize sometimes, when words fail...it's because there is too much of love to be spoken about...

I love love but...

I guess I was just waiting for d clock to strike 12..so dat I don't break a promise on promise day itself..yeah I know I had promised a proper post wid proper reasoning and perfect reasoning and I frankly doubt if this post wud qualify dat criteria..for a change,this is my first post from mobile..so hopefully it 'll b small given how typing on a touch phone is a deadly task..

So coming to d post..d week of love made me feel a lot of things..starting from d fact dat I'm almost 24 n single, it was a mixed feeling..yeah I can b a lil upset over d fact dat everyone around me is busy making plans n celebrating wid their partners n I'm sittin in my room..blogging :P but then again I'm happy too..I don't have to worry and fret abt buying gifts n making plans..everything has pros n cons..being single is no different..

There r actually instances which make me wonder if I can actually survive in a relationship..I mean I know I'm sweet,cute n adorable :P everyone says so :D but I doubt myself in a relation..was just analyzing myself as a gf candidate..n realized I'll b a big let down..just jotting down d shortcomings of me, for a change khud ki burai hi sahi afterall even during our interviews v prepare to answer what our weakness r n try to justify them as strength..this ain't going to b any different :D 

The list can serve a dual purpose..can scare off any guy who thinks of getting in a relation with me,haan baba khushfahmi hai meri ki koi aisa galti se bhi schema :P par here goes d list :)

1. Meet the Maharani: Yup, dats d nickname my roomies back during B.Tech days had given me..n even they accept it wasn't bcoz I was lazy, which I am,I accept..no one really did give any concrete reason for it..but everyone feels I'm too pampered by my family..spoilt wid things I necessarily don't need..right from excess of clothes,to phone replacements, imported coffee n what not..it actually just makes me a lil demanding n choosy at the same time..tough for a guy to handle :D

2. Sole peaceful existence: Yeah, even a management degree doesn't help me..I just am not fond of going out..love my solace..I like being alone and love being wid close friends..but I'm a social disaster..a complete no disc no pub person..so I very much am a let down to any guy's social group..wud love to spend time with d guy but he definitely wud miss on showcasing his gf to d world..I just am not d right person for it..more of candlenight dinner..a walk at d beach person..

3. Chatterbox: As I said, I love being with friends..and any guy I get in a relation with got to b one of my closest friend..I don't talk much in general..but in known close groups I just love to talk..I doubt guys can continue talking for hours once a reln is like a year or so..tough job to do :)

4. Rebel Me: The pampered soul, dats me, has issues being told what to do, how to dress, where to go..I mean it's a big negative..but unless it's a request I take it as challenge..I am a feminist I doubt at times...I just can't take the orders, it any day feels great to do things u r asked not to do..afterall no one tells me how I shd behave when my parents hav given me freedom to live the way I want..

5. Ambitions: They make u strive, they make u work hard..they make u see d dreams, but they r very tough for d people around u..I know it bcoz I've seen it..I've seen how expectations kill u..how u r required to match d success ur siblings have attained, b equally well off if not more..n I've no issues from people who expected from me..they r d ones who love me d most n want d most for me..do not want me to get stable n stale..but I've become too ambitious maybe..

When did d wishes of those around me became my wishes I  don't know..par today I want a picture perfect comfortable life..I, without any guilt, openly accept dat love alone wud never b enuf for me..I'm practical enuf today to realize d value if money n basic comforts of life in absence of which love slowly fades away..bitter truth

6. Hot headed: One of the biggest con..I get angry quiet too often :( trying to work on it..still no solution..and the more I love n care for someone, more I'm open or close to someone, the higher r the chances of dat person listening to my useless angry crap..yeah I cool down soon but d damage is done..I end up saying lot of hurting things which I rarely do mean..n no use being sorry then..I know I don't deserve being forgiven, though there r those pampering and spoiling souls who actually have always ignored my angry banter..

This is one point I actually have no excuse for..but it's may e a true law..v hurt only those v love :-| and I'm becoming an expert of dat..sighs

7. Mr. Perfect: I'm a gal who can't use even d most common of slangs..in fact I know people find it shocking d way I generally am stuck to 'aap' in my conversation, including my lil nieces n nephews, turning to 'tum' only wid friends of my age n rarely ever does a 'tu' slips off my mouth...tough for a guy to match..u can't b a guy till u hav few slangs on tip of your tongue, till u can pass few double meaning comments in friend circle..and I actually don't mind it..but I refuse to accept such talks to happen around me..so a guy has to b hyper alert to ensure he doesn't slip sum not so gud word while I'm around :P

Similarly I'm absolute teetotaler..n I can't stand smoking n drinking..maybe I'm just scared of it's consequences..so I do get cold feet as soon as I see a guy getting into either..looks like soon there wud b just no eligible guys for me..again sighs ;)

8. Respect: Again a tough deal breaker..a relation as per me won't survive even when there is a lot of love n no money issues...I do need to respect d guy n b able to look upto him..n believe me, earning someone's respect is even tougher than earning a person's trust..specially in case of me..I myself feel dat I've too high standards, I expect too much..but then I know there exist guys who have all my respect so shouldn't d one I've to b with whole my life deserve d same :)

9. Insecured: Bachpan se..na jaane kyun..I'm both insecure n possessive..once I love a person I can bear anything but loosing dat person..I mean I'm into things completely, there r just no half measures..I'm just too scared of them..I, touchwood, haven't lost anyone close to me..witnessed distances cropping up,but never been completely shut off..and I can't bear d thought of same..so well I'm ready to face anyone n any situation...but u just got to convince me time n again dat u won't leave me alone midway..I demand hundred person commitment bcoz I give dat..

10. I'm a Gemini: Yeah the list can keep on going..and even touchphones can't reduce my post size..but well..trying to make d last point out of unlimited reasons..on a bittersweet light note..I love being a Gemini. It's one of d most colorful n interesting zodiac sign..but it's most unstable too..I know zodiacs r like a superstition but still..I do find few right applicable points...

I've kind of dual personality..tough to handle...

It's hard to grab,n if grabbed retain my attention..

Commitment comes a lil late for me...

I love my freedom n individuality..being with just one person completely is a kill daunting...and a threat to independence :D

And so the list goes on.......

Wow now I really do know d mystery behind my single status..n well it's not all dat bad..I do have lots of chocolate supply, soft toys, people who care n 'll always be around me, a really loving family...and again last but not the least, the right to flirt n eye any guy I want too..without being wrong..it's nice to keep on evaluating guys n find dat they wud fail some parameter or other..sadistic pleasure :P

And no hard feelings..I really am happy for all the couples around me...trust me when it has to happen it 'll happen with me..n I know a lot 'll change in me over d years..so well one day people might even pull my leg n say inni bad bad baatein karti thi n dekho ab sab defy Kar rahi hai..a part of me wants dat day to come soon...a part of me is celebrating the singlehood till it's bestowed to me :)