The Questions and the Child...

Am I the only one, or it keeps happening to all of us...that irresistible urge to speak out...to say out things you probably shouldn't be...to ask the questions, which aren't meant to be asked...

I personally hate mysteries...they attract you..you want to uncover them...but then there are situations when you are expected to behave like grown ups...and not question...being a grown up demands a maturity from you...the maturity to know what should be asked, and what should be...I detest that maturity...I would have prefer going back to being a kid...to simply ask...from anyone...without bothering about the consequences...without the fear of making a fool out of myself...without really wondering how the other person would perceive...

I loved the freedom that my nephew has...how easily he sat besides me while I was working...and simply said.."I want to talk to you...I need to know why you don't have kids yet?"...I'm sure only he can ask this..that innocently, that cutely...and though he can make me stop my work for the few moments...he even gives me the reason to reflect...but at least he has the freedom to ask aloud...not that he would really get true answer...not that I am looking for true answers...because I know, true answers are a rare thing in this world...but I could see he was at peace...he had said aloud what he wanted to...why don't I have that freedom any longer...why do I need to suffocate with my question, but not speak out aloud...

Growing up looked like so much fun...and not that I relent being a grown up...it does have its perks...but growing up has started meaning that my wings cannot really make me fly...I have the freedom to do as a I please...but all that I do would be evaluated...and hence, I really don't do what I might feel like doing...I manage my life in compartments...one separated from the other...because there is so much I'm expected to do, so much I am not expected to...I've to be someone for someone, I've to be someone else for the other...and do I get lose myself in these persona...do I really don't get a chance to speak what's in my mind...

I so want to ask a hundred question...I am holding back...for a day when they all would flood out...because no matter how much I grow...how soon I held on to maturity...there resides a child within...a child who wants to talk, without thinking about consequences...a child who wants to ask the questions, without really thinking if it really is right to ask...a child who wants the answers, even if they really aren't true...

Of Routine, Changes, Courage and of course; Life...

The extended weekend is ending...and it would be back to usual official weekday schedule in another few hours...and that's not to say that my weekends aren't usual...it's kind of same stuff I end doing every weekend, extended or not...make sure to finish a novel...catch on at least a couple of series from US/UK (which makes you wonder why don't we make something as engrossing and sensible as then...why are we stuck to daily shows rather than weekly...why don't we believe in seasons but go on n on n on in continuity...)

Anyways, in short, coming to the crux of it; every now n then (more often than not), life gets predictable...same old set of rules...same routine...same things that happen, and same that do not...and then every once in a while (rarely), we try to break free of the mould...to change things, because the routine is no longer acceptable...but then again, do we really know how to break it...we probably know nothing but that usual routine...that has been the life for us...and that's why, even though we wish, hope and pray for it...we resist changes...even if we know it's better to change some habits, to learn something new...we have an impulsive tendency to make no changes....to let things go on as they are...

Trying to bring a change...proposing a change, is a risk...a risk we won't take...not in general...not unless we are forced to...because though a risk can be rewarding, what we see is how it can hurt...how often do we resist wishing for something  better, just because we fear we might end up losing the little routine that we have...the routine that we are probably bored of, but is still better than losing it altogether...no wonder, it takes courage, to explore, to discover, to succeed, and mostly importantly, to fail...

Who says, losers are coward, the cowards are the ones who never played...the losers were the ones who risked it all...who took chances even when they knew they could end up being called 'loser'...they were no less, if not more, brave than the winners...and the more you are willing to lose, the more you stand to win...but then, few things...few people, few moments...are too precious to be lost, they are what makes you feel secure...they give you a stability...so you hold on to them...you make them your routine...you try to be content with them...live with it, be happy with them...and you try no to wish for more...but then again, when you don't try for better,  you end up with one inevitable question...is what you have, going to stay...you aren't trying to move up to something better, won't one to you just slip to something lower...

After all, there are some strange way of nature....even to maintain our routine life, we need to take the risk...try to make changes...resist our implicit instinct...keep on bringing something new...keep things alive...to ensure, we aren't bored of the routine...and the routine isn't bored of the same old us...

PS: Once again, I started with something...and reached totally somewhere else...with lot of hidden meanings..playing with words, which conceal what I meant at place...a code, buried so deep in words, that maybe if I read it again myself a couple of days down the line, I won't get it...but that's where the fun lies...read a line; and interpret it the way you like...even if we don't change...the words, apparently remaining same, change in their meaning...sounds a lot like life!

Wandering thoughts...

I hold you close...I cherish you..and I detest you...I know I'm never going to get rid of you, maybe, actually very likely, I don't even want to...

You moisten up my eyes, both in happiness and despair...you have defined me, or was it I who created you...you really haven't turned out to be the way I wanted you to be, you aren't exactly what I hoped you would be...but that's the way it always has to be...things aren't supposed to be the way we expect them to be...else where would we find the challenge of changing them...but then I don't know, do you create me, or do I create you...which one of us is dependent on the other...

It's tough to separate me out from you...you are that much woven in me...what we share is a perfect love-hate relationship....how so often, I wish you weren't here...that I wasn't forced to deal with you...and then suddenly when I am down, you turn up to be the one to bring smile to my face...

There is so much I've done, it could be right or wrong...but you took it all...you nurtured it, you make sure I know of my deeds...and it's not that you really teach...I do same things again...sometimes you win, proving me that I would end recreating you...sometimes you lose, I end up rewriting you...and as much as I want to run away from you, I'll still come back to you...because you are what I know for sure...you are what I identify with...

You are my friend...you are my foe...you are my shadow...or maybe you are 'Me'...


“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Sometimes they are not, but they precious still the same...Because they are, who you are...

The Question of "M"

This day comes in every person's life, almost every because there are exceptions to everything, but then, this day inevitable comes up...some of us confess it has, some of us never will...some of us would accept it, some would deny it forever...and since the new age gives us everything in abundance, the reasons and the chances, for this day to come sooner than later, increases....

It has been like over 2 years now, since the time I first came to know random xyz who is my classmate/ colleague/ batch mate/ anyone who is close to my age/ thoughts/ background is getting committed (on nah, committed is like ages old story, our generated started the trend of getting committed right in school, isn't it!!) engaged/ married....And then it has been at least like 18-19 months since every day (lets not exaggerate, though the daily frequency is like a frequent occurrence) week I get to witness a couple of albums full of roka/ engagement/ marriage/ 'any other ritual associated with being married and happily ever after' in the Facebook activities...

Phew! It's fun to watch...seriously, all the glittering pics...to compare a wedding over the other (oh, don't we even attend the wedding to do that, why be partial to pics), to check the beautiful dresses and decorations...to pass our judgement as to how good the bride-groom look together or what a total misfit they are...to wonder what happened to the guy/girl the bride/groom in pic were actually dating...or end up sighing wishfully for those who ensured their school romance blossoms into marriage (this one is specially for all the girls who so grew hearing the love tales and happily ever afters...)

And then comes the day....the day you try hard to fight...the day you hope would never come...the day you end up questioning yourself, "Isn't it time for you to get married?"...now that is one dreadful question...because you never have an answer....but a lot of questions attached to it...and yes, I won't try and play around the bush, that day has come for me...and that made me think too...and as I said, it's a dreadful question, I didn't have an answer...but lots of questions attached to it...

So taking the logical deduction way (oh, we MBAites are great with logical skills you see), every question needs to be broken into two parts, the for and the against...so like a real intelligent person, I turned the single question into two, why is it time for me to get married...and why it isn't time for me to get married...

Why (Is It Time) To Get Married:-

a. Because the day when the question of marriage has come up in my mind has come...

b. Because everyone around me is getting married (we are all sheep and rats after all...moving in herds and racing, no denying that)

c. Because I need someone new in front of whom I can crib day in and day out...and that person has no choice but to listen to it all and be sympathetic..

d. Because my parents finally do need a sigh of relief...

e. Because it is the 'right age'...eww!! what is a 'right age'???

f. Because it's time I've given up any possibility of finding a guy to romance myself, and marriage is the last attempt I have at anything romantic in my life (I can crib about this point in detail some other time :D )

g. Because I need a big break from office (now this one is a win win!!)

h. Because that would make my relatives and mom-dad's family friends stop asking my parents as to when am I getting married within 10 minutes of me visiting there homes with parents (and then my parents wonder why I don't like going out with them!!)

i. Because if it has to happen some day, why not today (specially since life is getting a little too monotonous now)

j. Because I can always hope for a foreign tour post marriage (oh common, if air tickets to Singapore costs as much as air tickets to Goa, Singapore it has to be!!)

After ten solid (which melted down to liquid) reasons of why it's time to get married, I have to move to the next part of why it isn't the time yet...

Why (Is It Time) Not To Get Married:-

a. Because I've the habit of getting useless thoughts...if I start paying heed to all the thoughts and questions, I would have already had 5 kids!!

b. Because I need to wait and try getting the hands on experience from few trusted source...how did they really adapt to being married...

c. Because I really don't think I am ready for that promotion and added responsibility...common, all I do is wake, eat, office, home, eat, work, sleep...and my schedule has no scope of adding any more items in it...

d. Because I know of no one I can actually pounce and marry...good guys are so tough to be trapped...

e. Because right now I can still relish in the fact that I can have a drastic change in my life by marrying...once married, what change can I dream of when life gets monotonous (keep in mind, having kids is not a change!!)

f. Because, it just is not the age...I am still a kid (which on thinking hard, I plan to remain forever...)

g. Because that's a risk, I really am not willing to take...

h. Because somethings are better the later...

i. Because it hasn't happened till now...after all, when something has to happen, it happens...and since marriage hasn't happened till now...probably it didn't have to happen...

j. Because I'm trying to come up with equal points as in previous question, because I really can't figure out my feelings myself...so how do I trust myself with a commitment that big...

And as a true consultant, reaching an answer is never mandatory for me...in fact, leaving the question open, is what comes naturally...so I really don't know if I should, or if I shouldn't...all I know is, it would happen when it has to...and till it doesn't happen, I can wait for it...once it happens, I can only hope never to feel like finding a way out of it ;)

PS: Somewhere while penning typing this one down...I started craving for my bed...I need to sleep so badly...so got to end this post in haste...maybe a couple of days/weeks/months later, I will pick up the post again and edit it...hoping for a conclusion even then is going to be tough....

Answers, she didn't wish to know...

Contrary to popular belief, it is easy to read a person's eyes...more so if the person is close to you...what is tough, is to gather the courage to look into the eyes of the one you care about...for you fear what you might see there...and then again, it is easy to listen to someone talk everything good...what is tough, is to believe them...

Being human, she chose the easy way...time and again hearing what he said...unable to truly believe in it...and she knew, she would know the truth if she looked in his eyes, but she just couldn't gather the courage to do the same...truth is good...and she respected him for being true...but hopes and dreams are necessary to live...she wanted to live...so she hoped for him to be wrong...she dreamed of changing his heart one day...

Logically, rather philosophically; for she was always great in philosophy...which human is not; she knew it's not right to demand someone to change...it's not even good for her own self to hope someone would change...how can they, when she could not...but then, where he was concerned, philosophy failed...logic never had a part to play...and she knew it was something beyond her...for once, she has to take a detour from her planned out, penned to perfection life...and take a risk...play a gamble, she was assured of losing since the very first day...but she still took the chance...she chose to wait for time to come...and hoped for him to change before the time comes..

She smiled, she laughed...not just to show...but the real ones...and she collected those memories...the time spent with him was precious...more so because it was running out...so fast that now, even when she was in his arms, she couldn't help but think of the night when she would no longer have the warmth around her...she knew it was time to make the distance...to slowly slip off his arms and get used to the vast space of the bed...but somehow she couldn't make herself do that...she couldn't stop her treacherous body of slipping a lil more close to him...of her arms cuddling him a lil closer....sometimes she felt like holding him so close, wrap him so tight, that they could no longer be distinguished as two different beings...how does she engulf him in her...or get lost inside him that no longer the two of them could be separated...

She ended up kissing his forehead softly...looking at him sleeping in peace...wondering if he ever had the thoughts on similar lines...wondering how he could sleep, while she is busy trying to find a way to stop the running time...or find a way to be together before the time runs out....it was easy to put the blame on him...accuse him of never really wanting a forever..wasn't the fairy tales ending in 'happily-ever-after' meant just for gals...but at times like this, she did wonder if she wasn't great enough to be actually coveted for life...was what they shared not precious enough to be fought for...and then she knew, it wasn't easy to fight...she wasn't sure if she was ready for the fight either....but then, she wasn't even ready to let go off him...and for sure, she had no idea which of the two paths would she choose, had the choice left to her...and a slow smile spreads on her lips...for she remembered, she had all the choices regarding them, a say in all that he and she shared, but this was one choice she wasn't offered...he had made clear of it way back...when the time comes to make this choices of fighting and fleeing, it would be his...

And while she was the one counting minutes till the time runs out...she couldn't help contemplating how he would make his choice...for isn't he the one who never first hand did hurt...not that she never cried in the relation...or whatever it is that they had...but it never was his intention....it was just because the two different individuals they were...the way one was too emotional...the way other lived in the moment...the way she thought about future...the way he was cool with all the present day brings with it...she couldn't help but wonder, how he would give her the first direct blow...how would he make the choice that could wreck her apart...how would he go about giving her that expected shock...would she really meant so little to him that he would do that in a minute...or would he finally fight for her because he felt something unlike he felt for anyone else till date...and maybe, oh no; for sure, his eyes held the answer to most of her questions...but, she didn't have the strength to face those answers....

She kissed his closed eyes softly before slowly settling back on his chest...kissing him soft, closing her eyes...if only he ever took two minutes to notice, why she couldn't bring herself to look in his eyes...why she is busy escaping his gaze whenever they were together during the day....did he ever wonder why she makes it a point to sleep after him....because in the darkness of night, when he is sleeping in oblivion with his eyes closed, is the only safe time for her to look at his face...and remember his picture for the years to come...the only way she could truly appreciate him and collect more memories to thrive on while avoiding the answers to her endless questions....for she chose to be happy...to live in the moment even when the future bothered her...to be with him till time came for it all to end...after all, love made her strong to play the gamble...but love made her weak to face the answers, not till she has a choice to escape from them...

At it's best...A total random post...

It has been a long time...real long time since I was here...kind of over two months...maybe coming home does that to you...and well, honestly, it has been a crazy time!

Not that I have started working at home...I don't do the tiniest bit more here than what I used to do back at the service apartment...but I just don't know where time flies...I can't even say I am busy with office...office was there back in Hyderabad too...just that, now I feel guilty of living at home, and still not able to spend much time with ma-pa...such are my crazy schedules these days...morning, office, evening, home, calls, dinner, calls, sleep...phew..now I seriously wonder how do people manage office and home together...I really salute to all the working married women (let's not even talk about the ones with kid!!)

Anyways, finally back here...have there been any updates in the time gap...nah, not much...I just aged another year...adding on to the years, still not really growing up...I still do the same mistakes...I am still as confused as ever before...still the hopeless cribber...still continue to get angry in a minute and cool down in even half of that...seriously, minute by minute; day by day; life moves on...and then you realized years have gone by...you have become a completely different person...and well, you never realized...

Suddenly talking to few people make you realize it's over a year you last met...oh, there are those whom I haven't seen in like 3-4 years...and when you really think about it...it gives you a real surreal feeling...they used to be people I have shared my entire days with...done crazy things...gone out shopping (yeah, I got to count shopping...that too is keeping me busy these days...weekends at least...after all it's the return of the SALE season...and I am not even going to count how many new dresses I am getting, because mom has suddenly started loving me twice she used to...God bless her...n touchwood for me!!)

Coming back to the minutes, days and years...well; these are the times when I sleep on Sunday night waiting for the Friday night to come...and somewhere, while praying and hoping for the week to end, I don't even realize I am like living 5 days of my life, just wishing for them to get over...come on, seriously...is this really the way we want things to be...living 5/7th of your life waiting for the time to pass by...nah, doesn't sound a very interesting life...

So, I just try finding something to really look forward to in the day...and well, it could be anything...waiting to talk to someone, wait to meet someone...or maybe something as little as, wait to just binge on something you are craving for...yeah, it gives more fun element than to wait for the day to end...so that you are closed to the weekend...reading novels is another thing I do wait for...after all, I still have my target of 52 books this year standing in front of me...just that it seems to be getting a little tough now...but well, what's the fun in taking a challenge if it never seems challenging....

Again, thinking about waiting...at least waiting for weekend (even though it takes 5 days off your life) isn't really bad...at least weekend does arrive...I mean, it's always those 5 dreadful days...the 120 hours...whereas waiting for something everyday, is kind of risky...kind of waiting for someone, makes you go in the dependent place...you really wait for someone, and they don't show up...you count minutes to talk to someone, and realize they are held up with some work....real mood dampeners...I accept...but then I also accept that when something you expect, hope and pray for, it really happens, you actually can't stop but smile the whole day long (don't all of us smile on Saturdays ;) )....I actually had two days in this week I really couldn't stop being happy...and that was for something really so sweet...something, which honestly can be crazy for people...inconsequential maybe...

But then I do realize, it's easy to be tensed...it's easy to be angry...it's easy to crib and just want things to get over with...and it definitely is tough to keep the smile on your face (and more importantly your heart)...but it's not all that tough to....you just need to find few things...few people...and few moments, you just have to start capturing that (and it's easier said than done...I know...I still am not able to do it often...being as we are...we do find tough to live in the moment...) Just smile...smile because you still are able to find a reason to smile...

And then again, find time to do what you love doing...not to forget, give your best to what you are expected to do...even if you don't like it...after all,  if you can't get rid of it, deal with it the best you could...

Too much gyaan I know...a lot too random, I know...but that's how I am...and I honestly had no topic...but I wanted a post out here, since it has been just too long....so even a random should do ;)

Here is me, signing off for the night (hopefully not for the month or year...) and again keeping fingers crossed, that I will soon come back here...with a more streamlined stuff...till then, count the minutes, hours, days, weeks and years...and make sure, to make them count :D

iRead: Lilac House..which really isn't about the house but people who make home

The Lilac House: A Novel by Anita Nair
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

It's one of the really hard book to review about...and though I am one of the worst critic for novel with loose ends...hanging neither here nor there and left to imagination (that too when you are just weaving those characters throughout the novel!!), I still will applaud the author for the way she wrote...a real break from the usual Indian writings...

Coming to the subject, the name is probably misleading...yes it starts with the lilac house; but that's not where it thrives and build on...in fact I don't know which story was the one that was the highlight...Mira's or Jak's...or Smriti's...it's a novel where you can't really hold anyone guilty (other than two characters I would say...Giri, I don't know what the author had so much against the lead woman's husband...portrayed him as a complete hopeless person ;) and then Nina...they lead guy's wife...you don't really have to show one half of a marriage to be wrong to depict that the second half was right...)

It's confusing at times...there are swarms of people...kind of a psychological study of lot of humans...what they think, why they behave the way they do...sometimes you wonder why did she actually include this character, but I appreciate the way she has tried to beautifully analyze and build each character..and then of course, there is a lot of time zone shift...without even telling you...people are suddenly in their past, then they are in future...and then you just don't know where they went...

All said and done, the story pulls you in...and it wasn't just the young girl, people my age would identify with, but it's even the turmoils of a wife, a mother, a woman (and let's not be biased, turmoils of the male species too) that would touch us...we might not comprehend them fully, for thankfully we aren't still that grown up, but we definitely would realize they are true...and even though the story is exaggerated at places, it holds you to it, and that, per me, is a definite win for an author...

A good read for women...not something to be completely avoided by men...and well, all I would say is, I hope there comes a sequel (though I highly doubt it)...for I just don't want to imagine a happy ending, but be convinced that the author actually did give them a happy ending...


View all my reviews

PS: Just checking how the feed directly from GoodReads work...not that I generally write this big reviews there...but once I did, I thought why not bring it here too...and as for ratings..there is no in between 3 and 4 in GoodReads...but here I can...so I say 3.65 (exploiting the freedom by not putting it as 3.75 :D )

The B'day Wish of being a Child Forever...

It was the birthday of the cutest, sweetest, coolest, without doubt naughtiest (and at times the most devilish) 7 year old gal I know of...and we kind of share the perfect love-hate relationship....probably she is the closes cue I have in understanding mom (the part where you love and really care, rather have all the motherly feelings in the world for, and still you can't help but end arguing, bickering, fighting and correcting them)...

And I know she has the best mother in the world...if the 7 year old teaches me how to be really happy and enjoy your birthday (not that I am a great learner/ follower...I still won't be able to gather even 10% of her excitement)...her mother showed me how much can you really plan for the kid you were threatening and warning just 24 hours back...

Some relations are probably just like that...you openly would hurt each other, say things you never really mean...in fact there would be time you probably would actually even feel that you mean each and every hurtful thing that you are saying....but dig a little deeper, and you will realize; you turned hurtful because you were hurt (not that it's a excuse good enough, but still, it does holds true)...

Feelings are always like that...unreasonable...you never can really justify what you feel, why you feel...it's just that you are in a particular mood, and you expect the world would go as per your mood...I still remember the time I used to really count the days to my b'day...I know the time I was super excited...I needed to have a new dress, I had to distribute chocolates in the class...I wanted the cake at 12...and when did it all slowly turn into wishing for a quiet b'day...planning a test to see who all remembers you b'day (as if you are Gandhi incarnated and very soon your b'day is going to be a national holiday...) 

There is a girl, who is growing up...and slowly turning into all that I probably have already turned into...in front of our eyes, she would one day become someone who knows everything in the world but has misplaced her innocence and childish zeal somewhere...and what's more, in all probability she is most probably actually looking forward to grow up (and that makes me again wonder, are b'days really the time to rejoice...each passing year is a little more of innocence lost, a little more of responsibilities piling in...some more of worldly tasks to do...and then again, how old are we, when we really realize that we should have never wished to grow old...)

I don't know what to gift you sweetie-pie...for I know all you can wish for at the moment would be yours (of course, a brother would still win over a pet dog in your demands....and we can't really gift you stars)....there is something I truly wish for now, though it can never be attained once lost...I just wish you the zest for life..I won't wish for you to grow up, I will just wish you retain the child in you as long as you really can... growing up is necessary to move ahead in the world, but staying a child within is even more necessary to have a life, full of smiles...

And I know, your maasi is saying something which would make absolute no sense to you...but one day it would (after all you might read this one fine day...given that you get the reading genes from your mom)...and that day won't be too far I feel...for I still remember the time when you were yet to come in our lives...when I had your mom completely for me (yup, I am a greedy girl..I loved having sort of two mothers ;) ) and I remember the tiny little you...I still remember making those diamonds from the hand...singing Twinkle-Twinkle a hundred time, just to ensure you get distracted and gulp down a little milk (you really haven't grown up from your habit of making it a real long task to ensure you are done with your food!!)...I remember the time you made your grand-parents a kid with you...I remember the time your nani really craved for you once you were gone back...I won't forget the 3 year old you taking classes of 7 year old lots...how would I ever forget the umpteen fights we always had (yeah, your mom still blames me of becoming a kid of your age with you...and somewhere I am thankful to you for making that happen...you wake up  the little kid, the devil one, in me...)...and I really can't wait for the day you actually come back here...forever (which is a long time, but isn't all that bad in India...you and I can fight way more often and I can gather lot of other things to remember!!)

I am not too good in saying things aloud...you aren't old enough (thankfully) to understand the complicated web of feelings...but if you ever do feel lonely; just remember, there are loads of people; who love you...a lot...and though the world would seem against you, you just have to thing of few, and they would be there!! Wishing you a real happy b'day...once in which, you don't really have to grow  up...but just have all the fun, and be treated like a princess...for you are one (or a pixie, if that's where your new interest lies...my fairy who now has wings ;) ) Happy B'day Dear!!

(PS: You actually have a personal right around you...and though you might not always love her, and I don't agree by her ways...she is probably the best gift you got 7 years back...an angel of a mom!! )

Quick Status Check...

And it's back to those days when time flies...oh, if it isn't very obvious; I am back home (and yes, haven't stepped out of home since last 80 hours, that's when I popped in as a surprise package for ma-pa...and well, surprises can be both happy n sad in any case ;) )

So yeah, it's almost 4 days since I am back...and I had taken two days leaves thinking to get few things in order at home before I get stuck with my day in and day out regular office routine...and well, time flew...I don't know what I did for the last four days (other than the but obvious, SLEEP)...for I definitely didn't turn up as a good daughter n made the day any special for mom (and such an angel she is, as per her, there is is nothing special as Mother's day...every day is her day...till the marketing people devised a day specially to increase their sales!! Then I had to be a fair daughter as well..pa was super sad reading the news that for an average 20 billion dollar spent for mother's day, only 11 billions are spent for father's day...I just had to show him that I love them both equally, so nothing special for either...not a good daughter I know...but I'll live in the khushfahmi of being a very good daughter!!)

That's how home-coming is for me...I step inside the home, and then it takes a lot of universal conspiracy to push me out of home...home is a parking slot from where my car refuses to take a reverse gear (talking of cars and gears, I need to get myself enrolled in some driving brush up classes...all in order to get a licence...and stop relying on dad for drop and pick up services from office....reminds me, I need to find a goodie good car as well for him; he might, but I don't trust myself with a new car :D )

So yup, looking from an eye of an outsider (or honestly, even mine) I kind of live a very closed, total homely life once at home..now that I have to go to office tomorrow, it again isn't something I am really looking forward to...but that would come in routine...other than that...well, let's see what makes me step out of the home before di turns up and I go on a real shopping spree (of late I have found something different, which I coined up as online-window-shopping)...but then di's yearly visit give us both ample of reasons to shop...and if nothing, this year, it seems like di n I are going to have a lot of time together alone (oh, I don't count the kids in our way...and jiju's can always be sidelined)...

Now that the prayers and counting days to come back home are over...I am gearing up to count the days till the lovely angel in disguise of devil (or the other way round) is ready to show up at home...and then again, I will find another count beginning...it's always good to have something to look forward to ;)

A quote...and lots of thoughts...

Was just going through few old notes and collections...and came across this one quote, no idea from where it came and who has coined it...just that it touched me (duh, being a gal, n that too a touchy one, it had to...why else would I find this one in one of my all time favorite quotes collection...)

And I never would say what love is...to me, something I said years back is the truest I know of love...it is inexplicable (and still we spend ages explaining it), beyond words (and yet we spend eternity trying to define it and put it in words) and unreasonable (still, if you love someone, you are expected to answer that person why on this earth you love him/ her)...but somewhere, I find myself agreeing to every word of this quotation...here it goes...

I won't say I know what love is for everyone, but I can tell what it is for me...

Love is knowing the worst about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than anyone else...

Love is trusting someone enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you have been ashamed of...

Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you....

Love is loving them....even when its the last thing you should do...

Just left me with a couple of thoughts...

- reading it, I don't think anyone of us can say love can happen just once..in fact, I don't even think, love needs to happen to only one person at a time...can't we confide with a couple of special ones..don't we know the bad parts of few people and still accept them with all our hearts...and one is definitely going to b in a very risky place if one finds comfort only in presence of a single person...love by itself, doesn't need to be with one...it's just the conventional way we start looking at love...

- once it happens, it just can't go...if it goes, it never was there...and truly, opposite of love, isn't hate...it's ignorance...and that never comes easy..

- I just ended up remembering few people (and a couple really special people) while reading the quotes...so yeah, I at least love a little too many :)

And love covers a lot of other expects...for example, I love the quote itself...not that I can confide in it, or get weak in my knees or trust it ;)

The Travelling Times...

There are phases in life when one chooses silence...there are phases, when the silence chooses us...and then there are the travelling phases which ensures silence...

In last three weeks, I have been across 5 states...reached places I never knew existed in India...met people, I really doubt I will ever meet again...lived without connectivity (now I can write an entire epic over that)...all in all, it has been one of its kind of experience...and in between all this, found a new meaning to silence...there have been days, I went on talking just 20 odd sentences in a day...there have been nights when I have been on call for hours (I really give a damn to roaming now ;) ) Walked with strangers...realizing few people are born helpful, and few are going to create troubles, no matter what...

It has been a journey of a lifetime (specially when you are someone like me, who openly detests travelling)...there have been times, I have craved to go back home...there have been moments when I have lost my cool, because I couldn't find a way back home....and no wonder, there has been a lot of cribbing (when I can crib without reason, I have been given ample of reasons in last few days..) But for a change, let's count the positives of all the travelling I am doing in last few days...

A. I ended up reading a lot...at least in the first few days, stuck at a place where my life was confined to guest house and factory....and the road in between...I completed almost 3 novels in just a week :D

B. I re-affirmed my theory that I can actually live and adapt at any place I am thrown at...

C. Worked in completely unstructured, unknown, clueless environment with no one to reach out for help...phew, I still don't know how good or bad the result has been (would know sooner or later, so keeping the fingers crossed...and please please please pray for me...that I don't fail big time!!)

D. Had a brief experience of the Nomad's life (and have had enough of it too honestly)...being someone who loves to plan, I almost ended up spending time on the platform while people argue and disagree where I should be staying...that was one phase I never 'll forget...in fact I was confused too at the time...to shout out, to return back..or to spill give way to tears :|

E. Actually have started missing the work I was doing...I now miss the regular office hours...the kind of expected work...the known faces around...and the regular routine...

F. Realized that one should never complain about traffic...you tend to find yourself in a worse than before situation every time you complain...

G. Have seen a lot of mornings...mornings as in opened my eyes (and in few cases even dragged my sweet self) out of bed as early as 6:30 or so...and that my dear, is an achievement for a gal who in last 9 months (that since post training), hasn't got up from bed before 9...

H. Not that I never have gone in deep thoughts (or my bouts of philosophy as I call it), but still after long demanding days and all the travelling, I kind of haven't been able to dwell on sad thoughts or philosophy for long ;)

I. While writing this blog, realizing it's already mid of my travel (hopefully) and then again, its mid April...just 4 more months till I meet my favorite person...and yeah yeah, just 2 more till I celebrate (or rather witness) the silver jubilee of my existence (gives me a chance to coin the 25th step)

J. Got the surprises of more weddings coming up next year (which is kind of both happy and sad news...happy for people finding their life partners...but kind of lost trying to understand why is everyone in such a hurry to marry...this seems like a race I am destined to be last in :P )

K Proud of myself of being able to count 10 days in a trip that I just crib about :D

Anyways....that's about it at the moment...my writing needs a little oiling...and I need to get back to thinking mode...before I can actually write something...but before that, I have to sit and wonder, how to survive through the next week...once again in between stranger's faces and clueless work...

Till then, keep praying, that I return back home, safe and sound (I won't even bother hoping to return back sane...that's even more impossible than impossible itself!!)

(Just as clarification...neither are my travel bags pink, they are both black honestly, and a maroon handbag...nor am I least happy as the girl is...but yeah, I am definitely living out of suitcase...and finally unpacked for the first time Friday, after almost 3 weeks of travelling...else it was a daily routine of opening the bag and trying to pick out a dress to wear...and always ready to leave the place to travel somewhere else..)

The woes of Moving (rather Packing)

And it's the time to move...

That's what life has all been about for long...being a daughter of a bank employee, I've moved across places...a year here and a year there, we were once again packing and moving...and still, I know, I have shifted way less than my elder siblings...

Any interview that I remember, I've always said adaptability as my strength...to prove it is simple...I've changed almost ten schools...how can one survive that unless one adapts to the changes...new places...new people...new set of rules...and still, deep within me, I know, I haven't been all that successful...

I did move, I did adjust...but then, there wasn't an option with me...I moved because I had to...I adjusted because the whole bunch of new people won't change for me...in the process, I changed...not that I regret that, change is the only constant after all...but sometimes I do wonder, why don't I just go around and talk with anyone and everyone...after all, that should be easy for me...with so much of changing places n meeting new people that I have done in my life...but then, somewhere in between shifting and moving places, I started accepting that I am not in my comfort zone...rather than falling in the lure of friends and then bidding them goodbye, I made a world within myself...

Uff...too much of philosophy (which I know is truly me)...but then main crux is, even after shifting home so many times...seeing truck-loads of things being packed and unpacked...I still have huge issues while moving...like today...

When I realized I have to move, I thought me being a single person (no strings attached, and hence no gifts loaded on me in last ten months), who absolutely had no necessity to buy any furniture or utensils (perks of being in a service apartment), I won't need any movers/packers/courier people's help to move back to home (Yeah!! I finally am shifting to home...now my blog would have more of home complains rather than office and loneliness ones :P ) 

But then, I was realistic, I knew, I have seen two "Sale Season" staying alone in Hyderabad...and I even remember that I've given free health advice to people in the name of Retail Therapy...since I'm an age old loyalist of that therapy, I realized I definitely have added a lot of luggage (add to it, the multiple visits home were always for bringing stuff from there to here and never vice-versa)... So realistically, I went to the market n bought a big suitcase (the biggest that you get...the ones used for foreign travels (as if I would ever need them for that purpose :| )) 

Then thanks to some travel uncertainty, I started packing up long back...till I realized that two big suitcases (I had one more of that bada wala suitcase pehle se baba!!) and a normal sized trolley, won't be enough to fit my requirement....sighs...I really wasn't inclined to buy a new bag...so finally it was the time to move ahead and look for packers and movers...but then no credible packer and mover would be ready to take goods weighing like just 60 kgs at max...sighs...then came n picture GATI...

Now the less I say about it, the better...for I've already opened the carton I had packed for the movement and stuffed as much as I could back in the suitcase...those people never showed up...never liked the experience of calling up the customer care, Gati just made me have one of the worst ones...so here I'm (kind of feeling in the third world)...thinking how much additional baggage I'll pay tomorrow (and more importantly, hoping that they let me just put all the luggage, charge me, but not refuse me!!) And most importantly, what I am wondering right now is...where the hell do I pack my shoes and sandals...I just can't pick which ones to take and which ones to leave in that :(

Phew!! It's tough to move (even when you are moving to a place you want to move to ), and leaving old people behind, meeting new ones isn't the only challenge...the main challenge is looking at your belongings and wondering how to pack them and where (and of course wondering, since when did you start owning so much of them ;) )

I just hope this ordeal ends by tomorrow evening...and I settle down at home, with of course all my little few belongings!!

PS: The pic suits so well....how I am trying to cram all I can in my three innocent carry bags...sighs...I pity them, but I can't help them....they got to make space for my shoes now!!!!

The other side of the 'Expectation'...

There is one thing we all probably have heard or been told a number of times..."Root cause of all the heartaches and troubles in the world is having Expectations" ...there have been sermons I have read and heard, asking us not to expect anything...for if we don't expect a thing, those expectations won't be broken down...it wouldn't hurt to see people behaving in a way we never dreamed them to behave in...it won't kill us to see things we thought would surely happen turn impossible in this lifetime...

And still, at times I wonder, there is something worse than having expectations...it's knowing that people expect you to do something, to be someone...to behave in a way, u really don't feel like behaving in...it's a risk to expect something out of someone, but it's a hard task to come true to someone's expectations...it's easier to expect any day, than to stand true to what one expects you to be like...I am who I am, and still, I know very few will take us for who we are...there are so many layers to each of us...and sometimes I am sure, it's not us who wishes to be a person of multiple layers...it's just what the world made us...we come to treasure few people, and then we realize the expect something from us...to those people we become what they believed us to be, for it's better to add a layer in our personality, than to risk losing them...

No one is really perfect, I don't even understand why anyone is expected to be perfect...life has never been perfect in itself...else why would life be full of ups and downs...then why are humans expected to be always nice, or few are blamed to be always evil...I really doubt black and white exists in this world...it's mostly always grey, though we hardly accept it...

I know I've been hurt...for I expected a lot...from people, from things, and yes from life itself...and still, when I am out of that cribbing and crying mode (which I rarely am :P ), I do accept the fact that I've been blessed way more than many...I am blessed with a love, unconditional love at that...I might not have turned out as the happiest person, but I never was not cared for...and still, I expected more...I expect so much more out of people...and when I think of all that is expected from me, in those few moments I realize, how much I am burdening others with my demands and wishes...how vocal I am at times with criticism...

How do we judge someone...we all have different parameters of right and wrong...when we don't agree by those who judge us, how do we gain the right to judge someone else...how do we really go about selecting a person to be good enough for us...and that's exactly what we have done since childhood...picked friends, took sides, categorized everyone around us a person we looked up to or down at...when does a child starts doing that...who taught us to do it...I even wonder, did I really expect anything as a child...I guess not...and still I was happier, not because my expectations weren't there to be broken...simply because I knew no one really expected anything of me too...not something life changing...

Now, it's scary...now I have to sit and wonder, how am I really supposed to behave...how would certain action of mine be comprehended as...do I come across as too arrogant, or am I behaving too clingy...actions lose their fun when you have to think a hundred times before taking it...and still, that's what happens these days...I am doing something, but what would other think of this action from me...would they find me an attention seeker...or am I going to come out at someone who wants to be aloof...

Yeah, it's yet another mindless banter...but still, just give it a thought...how many of us would behave the way we behave..and do the things we do, if only we knew, we are from the expectations of the world...growing up is an irony...you get independent, you are free...and still, you are caged behind the bars of expectation...you can't fly, because there is the web of world's rule book of the right and wrong...

Having expectations hurts....but knowing, you are the one the world and people expect from; is tougher to deal with....like it's easier to blame, than to do....but then, I don't claim to be perfect, I have my shortcomings...so what, life hasn't been perfect to me too...and we all still love life, so I really am not 'Expecting' too much, if I expect people to love me :)

A Walk Across the Sun by Addison Corban

I just loved the cover of the book...it was kind of 'Pick me up, I look so glam' kind of cover...and yet when I read the blurb, it was anything but a glam book...the first one by the author, set up in Indian background, which coming by an author who isn't Indian, deserves accolades (in fact, I did wonder, why can't the Indian author pick such serious stuff about Indian background rather than concentrating on love stories and collage romance gone right and wrong)...

It's not a happy novel...child trafficking and molestation never is...being a novel it does give everything a believable but happy ending (as happy as it could ever realistically be), but then again, it was honest in a couple of parts...where it clearly said, trafficking isn't something that would stop by stopping the sellers...you can stop one, hundred new would arise...it is going to go on till there are buyers...sex is a commodity, till the buyers exist, people would sell...and there is no way to eliminate all the buyers...not in our lifetime...that's the harsh truth, a truth none of us can change...

I liked the way it moved...at points it made you understand that it's not just India...any country, no matter how advanced, has its own section of people who are living a life worse than hell...simply because there are people in every country who are well-off, rich and still sadist enough to take pleasure in putting someone through hell...it showed the red light areas not just of Mumbai, but went on till France and New York...and they aren't just Asian gals...there are Russians, there are Americans...what started from India, what centered in India, took the global picture...

This is one thought provoking novel (which really tempted me to write a couple of more philosophical posts...I am somehow trying to hold that temptation back...because somewhere I feel I've already turned life too serious and I need happy thoughts not things to ponder and wonder over...the book is great, my timing to read it was wrong)...and then again, no matter how much I liked the novel, I still would say, it's one, one should think twice before reading...for it would leave you feeling helpless...it would make you cringe..it would make you wish you could help change thing...but in the end you 'll know, there is nothing you and I can do (or at least nothing we would really take up to do)..

After coming with all the cons of reading a novel I really would recommend, I'll have to say it has its pro too...it shows you the faith of two young girls..it shows you what being human is...you come to detest life...you want none of it...you count days and minutes of agony...and still you don't think of dying..because there is someone you want to live for...even when it looks like nothing is worth living...it shows love too...not the romantic one, but the bond two sisters, who lost everything in moments, share...none of the cruelties life served them weakened the love they had...

It shows the healing power of memories...living in past doesn't help...but sometimes our past gives us the courage to live through our present...it's just up to us, which past we chose to think about...the happy one or the sad one..and how we perceive the past...

It shows that growing up corrupts us...the sweetest and most angelic person in this book was a ten year old kid...who really didn't care how the world of elders work...even after having a set of parents who were as far as one could be from being role models, the child remained pure at heart..he showed the selfless caring, without a reason...

The two sisters, Ahalaya and Sita (I loved the names), weren't larger than life characters...though at places I really wondered how can they survive through all this...the protagonist, Thomas was very much human...and wasn't made a larger than life character...he had his shortcomings...and he wasn't made a hero turning miracles..things happened, and thankfully they didn't give him the entire (or even little) credit of being the reason behind those things happening...fighting for the gals, he somewhere found peace in his life...his wife would probably need a little more analytic to be understood...

All in all, a nice read...at around 380 pages, coming towards the last 100, I did feel it could be trimmed a little...there were too many details about the combat operations one could have done without...but then again, for most part of it, it was a page turner...even if a sad, heart-wrenching one, it was a page turner none the less...

The Perfect Mornings "They" Shared...

They never were morning persons...not until they started welcoming the mornings together...she was someone who found it easier to sleep at 6 in morning, rather than waking up at 6...he was the one who tried ending his day by 12, till before he met her...when you love someone, you don't try to change them, you start changing for them...and they both changed...for each other...

He made sure his night begins after hers...she ensured her days started before his...she had realized that mornings weren't all that bad...specially when they meant it was the beginning of one more day with him...and no, she wasn't afraid, that another day would mean she had a day less to spend with him...for she knew, she had him for her life...or eternity...whichever lasts longer...

Cuddled in his arms, feeling him from head to toe, she had welcomed countless mornings with him...it was a surreal feeling...watching the sunrise through their bedroom window...waking up that early in the morning, gave them hours to talk to each other...a time where the worldly troubles still were to wake...moments when they were fresh enough to talk about themselves...of every tiny li'l thing that mattered to them...those were the moments of plain, unadulterated joys..planning the evening ahead...giving words to the unspoken promises of the night before...having their fill of each other before they lost each other for the few waking working hours...

Life was too fast paced...days were demanding for both of them...but then, when you really want to live few moments, you take out time to create them...morning was their time..a time for togetherness...a time when the rising sun's light ensured brightness in their lives...when it was time to get up, and live the dreams they had weaved together at night in reality...

PS: Just had to write it...specially since, I woke up like around 5:45 in morning after ages (don't worry, I went back to sleep right away...because of two reasons...unlike her, I didn't have anyone to welcome the morning with...and somehow 5:45 in morning doesn't mean sunrise in Hyderabad...it was all dark looking out from the window) But for moments, before I went back to sleep, I did wonder, it must be something special to welcome mornings together as couples (even if its a Monday morning)...have a little time for each other before the matters of the world and jobs took over the day...who would enjoy the mornings better than 'they'...after all, night paves the way for morning...and after amazing nights in togetherness, mornings couldn't be anything less for 'them'...and it's a short one...well, because I slept within a couple of minutes (and hence couldn't go about imagining the finer intimate details ;) )

Their - The Wordless Unison

She was lying on his chest...her eyes closed...his heartbeats were so clear to her...it was a rhythm she had memorized by heart...those heartbeats were her personal lullabies...the melody that relaxed her as she slowly slipped into oblivion...sleep is supposedly rejuvenating for everyone, but she could bet, the few moments she was bestowed with before the sleep took over her, were the ones most precious to her...

Each night there was an unspoken effort to prolong those moments...secretly she tried to keep the sleep at bay as long as she could...and she knew such an effort, from her side, won't be appreciated by him...it was simple to understand...if she wanted to savor every moment of being close to him, wrapped in his arms...he wanted to see her sleeping in his arms...he secretly craved to see her oblivious to the world...sleeping without a care...him being her whole world...

It wasn't as if he had no idea what she felt, unless she was asleep....all the while she was awake he was aware of the love she had for him, or the trust she had put on him, of her every feeling, things she said, looks she gave...they said it all...but in all honesty, it was when she was asleep in his arms he felt her extreme level of belief in him...in her abandon at night, he could see her innocence...her face resting on his chest made his chest warm like nothing else could...her palm resting on his shoulder, made him believe she would always be beside him...holding on to him, for his life and hers...

It had been her fantasy....the whole idea of spending the night in the arms of a man...a man she could trust, a man who would have her completely...a man she can claim as solely hers...and that's all she had told him...no, in fact she had demanded him to wrap his arms around her...it feet so safe and secure...not that she feared being attacked, but she so wanted to feel wanted...feel precious...feel protected...

It made him feel special....someone wanting him, needing him around to find her sleep...it made him feel elated, he was what coming home meant to a special girl...if being in his arms made her feel special, it was because she was special...it was because she made him feel like he thought he never would...there is something beyond words which happens when you know someone looks up to you...you tend to give them the best you could...you try your best to be the person they believe you are...and then you realize, you truly are the person they thought you to be...it's not that you are putting an effort to be what they want...it is just that you enjoy being the person you are in their company...maybe that's what you always were, but never realized...

He felt her soft breaths on her chest...a soft smile spread on his lips...after countless nights spent together, he knew she is almost asleep...he knew she was losing another battle of hers to keep waking...he kissed her hairs softly, as he patted her arms softly...she feather kissed her chest before losing herself...it was time to travel...time to leave the beautiful reality they both had weaved together...to vivid colorful dreams...for they knew the dreams would come true....they both were already living in one...

Who says love needs words to be spoken out aloud...who says eyes speak it all...sometimes during the dark hours of night...all it takes is the tunes of heartbeats and the whisper of breaths to say it all...and it speaks louder than words....and is clearer than the sight of eyes...for it comes from the two hearts, who know each other..like they are one...

PS: I just couldn't find a pic serene and warm enough to put it on here (maybe I am looking out for a dream whose pics do not exist in reality...so after spending a time longer than it took to write the entire post, I finally gave up and settled down with the pair of legs...no pics came close to match the writer's imagination after all..)

Never let me go... by Sachin Garg

Finally I finished another novel (now don't think I haven't finished one in last one month...that's just not possible, I need at least a novel a week), but then I finished a novel, I would definitely write about...it's by the same author, Sachin Garg, I had once gone gaga about (reading his first, I'm not 24...) and turned too critical reading his second (It's first love...)...and with the third, I never knew where I am going...

For starters,  the second novel and this one, 'Never Let Me Go..' are supposedly true accounts...sort of his autobiography...taking a year of his life at a time...I am saying supposedly, because I am the one who claims to have had a super-happening life...with things one doesn't even dream (or have nightmares of) happening in real...and still reading these books, specially the latest one, I am still not able to accept such tragedy do happen in real life...that's what the main issue with any tragic event is...they are hard to believe...it's human nature to believe in fairy tales, but seldom does one really think something bad can happen in reality...unless it happens with us...

Coming back to the book, it starts with the twenty first year of the author's life...and somehow rather than being Sachin in the book, he went ahead and took the name Samar...and in case he had used the same name in his last novel, than I shockingly had missed out on it...but if he hadn't, it's kind of understandable...it's easy to write the happy phase of your life with your own identity...it's the sad phase, the guilty phase, and the phase we never really could understand; where we need the identity of some third person, some other name to hide behind....but to think of it, it really isn't much of a sad novel...unless of course you inch towards its last parts...

I guess, it's the raw emotions that touch me way more than the cute college romance...which is kind of so lovey dovey that I no longer am able to identify it (yeah, I know, the granny aged me)...so the beginning of the novel was kind of expected for me...it was the way the first novel of the series (It's first love...) had gone by..with the old characters returning...a couple of more thrown by...and to some extent, it did take me to a place where I really wasn't expecting much from the book...it seemed like the usual, 'I always was the right guy, she wasn't' saga...

Then came the place with too much of beer, weed and partying around...being the person I am...drinking/ smoking/ joint/ partying all night...it never strikes a chord with me...the only thing that kept me hooked was the new gal in picture...somewhere I did identify with her (don't ask me why...because I can never have guts like her...to take those risk)....and then when her character ended (in a way that opens all the ways for her to return in coming books)...it was again casual turning of pages for me to finish the novel...

To give the  book its dues, the last few pages did shock me out...I believe I should appreciate Sachin...for not going for the publicity stunt by stretching those emotional parts (oh, we all know, tear jerkers find a lot of fans...and I know, he could have actually gone ahead and made a whole novel out of those last few pages...garnered all sympathy...but I do respect him for keeping it short...because so often, there really aren't words to express what we feel)...but then a part of me says he wasted too many pages of the novel talking about inconsequential things rather than talking about those part which mattered the most...the ones who found a place only in last 30-35 odd pages of the book...but then, it was his life...it's his novel..I'm sure he wrote it in a way that justifies his life..

So it touched me...it still touches me...We all make mistakes...and we all talk about our mistakes...to the ones we trust, to the ones we can confide in...to the ones who we know won't whisper about it to the world...but coming out in open, talking about our mistakes and consequences openly...it takes a lot...at least I haven't found the courage to do it...and I don't know how it feels after doing...does it feel a lil more free...as if a weight did lift up from our heart...or would it make me feel as if all the eyes are at me...accusing me of doing something deadly wrong...I don't think I ever would take chances to find out what it really feels like...

Anyways, coming back to the book....it's a light read, till it gets a lil too heavy...but even in those light moments, I found places to think about...places I could identify with (which definitely weren't the places where an engaged guy tries to get laid with a gal...or a guy pursuing engineering, decides to run a shackle...or the endless drinking session and getting wasted...) but then tiny small things that were said and done, does make one think at points...

All in all...a nice read...quick one too...and definitely one, I would think a couple of times even after ending...and yeah, I know the 22nd year of his life would be coming out too...and I for sure 'll read that too...the guy still has my attention...in fact, he is now like a mystery to me...I still am unable to believe all this is true...after all, novels do have hint of fiction in them...how else would they sell...but I know it all could very well be truly true...and he can be yet another example of, life moves on...no matter what happen, we continue to live...we come to term with the past...and start building a future...I am not the only one who did that...the whole world does it...

Do read it...if you have any affinity to love stories and emotional stuffs...but don't read it before you read the first one in the series (and I am saying this, even when I was the one criticizing the first one...but then you have to read that one...to really know the characters of this one...else it's a plain disconnect..) And I hope to find the author had happier and better life in the 22nd year...after all, when post peak came the trough...after trough should come the peak...

Wondering of the "Dead-Ends"

It has been long...like 20 days long, when I last ventured into venting out something...and I thought, that is it...I carried through my resolution in January, and trust me, one month is pretty long enough...so after 6 weeks I can give up with that a post a week resolution for the year...but then coming here...counting the number of posts I have up for the year, "mann mein fir vishwas jaga...ummeed ki ek kiran nazar aayi...aur fir main...main chali aayi" ;)

Last couple of weeks...were definitely my busiest ones..and of course what can keep you busy other than job...so it was a little too challenging...but then, once it's done with...you kind of start feeling good of having done it (and of course you start feeling tooooo lazy to start working on new things :| well, very human..) 

There are days when you count every minute of the day...and then there are days that pass in blink of an eye...so while I do complain of getting bored and not having things to kill time, February, being as short as it is, did fly off for me...and now, well...things seem even more on fast track..specially with travelling on cards...hopefully this travel would all be good news (though I still can't motivate myself to be really upbeat about the travelling part...I seriously detest moving)

What happened to blog...took its toll on reading too...have been pretty slow on that front as well :( But no worries...to welcome the weekend, I had a huge Flipkart courier waiting for me when I returned home...between those books and my ebooks, it seems my time should be spent well :D :D (and hope that I find time enough to read all that I want to...which is kind of like asking for moon..)

Ab since I am back...so should my regular dose of philosophy be...haven't we all been in a situation, where we know that this is the limit of goodness and happiness we can get...that we never would have the right to demand more...and we kind of knowingly move ahead with it...resolving never to demand more...thinking that what we are being bestowed with, is more than what we can ask for...not willing to let go off that happiness in our lives...

And then haven't after a period of time (which is like few year for some people, few months for others...maybe few weeks or even days for someone as hasty and impossible as me), don't we just detest the fact that we want so much more, but it just won't be right to demand more...that whole turmoil of wishing for something, and knowing you shouldn't be wishing for it...you don't have a right to it, because right from the beginning you knew the limits you could go to....then passes few more weeks (or months, or years, or days, as applicable from individual to individual)...when the questions start at the back of your mind...why are you really doing this..if you are doing it, don't you deserve something more out of it...there you start wondering why aren't you getting back what you are giving from your end...and you tend to forget at times, this is what you bargained for...no one really asked you to go out of the way and start doing/ thinking/ feeling/ caring as much as you ended up doing...and just because you did, you don't have the right to demand the same from other end...

It's confusing...I know...but that's life...so yeah, with whatever little time I have after the craziness called work-space, I kind of tend to ponder over it...why do we tend to move on a path, knowing that it would meet a dead-end...and then when we reach that dead-end, we kind of shout unfair...we want to keep on moving ahead...we want a new road laid down, specially for us...and even when the smartest choice (a) then is to retrace the steps back and return, it takes us long, really long to convince ourselves that we really need to return (b), rather than waiting day in and day out to see a new way forward... 

(a) - Okie, accepted, had we been smart enough, we never would have walked on a path with dead end and not the destination on it..so common, we aren't smart enough to make the smartest choice...but having a li'l mercy, one can make the second smartest choice possible...

(b) - let's not get into the preachy mode of, one should build a path on reaching a dead end...it's philosophy, not a self help, do it yourself, dig in and make the way concept...there are few things, which are just beyond us...which depends more on the situation and people around us...so no, building the road ahead is not possible..I can start shoving the land...understand the analogy!!

And yeah, we crib...we complain...some of us walk back all the way to the point we started from (that's whenever we get into senses)...people like me wait for too long...and even when we walk back, it's like we are waiting for something to happen...some excuse to turn back and travel to that dead end again...with the hope that maybe the road ahead from that dead end has magically appeared...it's tough...really tough to let go..and it would be way too long (if not forever), before I'll learn how to do that...

PS: If none of the scribbling makes sense, don't worry..it's something wrong from my side, and nothing is wrong with your comprehension skills (duh!! you already know that...don't you? ) And as an excuse for myself, it happens...specially when you end up sleeping before you saw 10 on the clock...and found yourself up at 2, with the thoughts of how dumbly you forgot to send some mails that required to be sent ASAP (and it's too late already)...and you still can't help but make sure now that you remember, you do the work...looks like the rest of the night (if there is any left as per general conception of night), would be spent hoping to find my beauty sleep again...sighs...Life sure is tough!! :P